I agree. I would rather have it be a stranger. This is truly a double betrayal. I just can't understand how she could have done that. And certianly making no excuses for my H, but I was there and know how shell shocked he was. It is horrible, but it isn't totally uncommon. You are so fragile after you go thru a situation like that, I mean, think about it.
What type of a woman could do that to her girlfriend .... going thru breast cancer and having just spent months thinking that she was going to die? Bald and sick and radiated? Not much of a friend I think.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
I read your sitch and I so know how you feel! The OW in my sitch was my H's secretary (so cliche!) and we commuted together for 2 years. We teased each other that she was his "work wife". (28 year old skinny blonde!) I bought her the gifts my H gave to her for her birthday, Xmas, baby shower.....When she had problems in her marriage, I talked to her and supported her and gave advice. We even went to parties at her parents house!
I don't understand how these women life with themselves!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Morning ladies-coffee is really good. Dentist at 9. cold here and i want to stay under covers on my day off.
Hope-thanks for the advice and I know exactly what you are saying. Good thing for us right now. can't fix the old M. I have learned you never really know where the wind will take you and there are unexpected surprises, some good and some bad, at every turn so I will just go on and whatever happens is what happens. Big 180 for me cuz i'm one of those jump in with two feet and hit your head on the side of the pool people. LOL
I didnt' say you had to stop pity party yet. You just have to get it out so you can get to the real stuff. You are so calm, trying to be so grown up about all of this. That is all. Did you shred her?
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Morning everyone. No, I didn't get a chance to shred her, yet. Walked into the house last night after work and before I even had my coat off my BFF was right on my heels at the back door. H was there and he ended up making dinner for the 3 of us. We started a Tuesday night tradition when I was sick...her H and my H are on the same golf league together, so on Tuesday night she used to come over and sit with me when the guys were out golfing. We kind of continued the tradition, sometimes meeting out somewhere, but most often at my house since it is on the way home to hers. I managed to hold it together again, although I could tell that she was looking at me closely, and she finally said "you look really tired." I told her that I was, that work was really killer lately. She understands. We are in the same field, but different agencies. We have been through thick and thin together for 23 years, and she has been onboard with what has been going on with H up to this point. I guess I am just not ready to share this with her. Don't know if I ever will be.
Anyway, after she left we sat together on the couch for a while and H reached out and took my hand. He held it for quite a while. Wish that the night had ended on that note, but it didn't. When we went to bed he did not turn off the bedside light like he usually does. He started talking and we both started crying. I don't think he was esplaining things to me as much as talking to himself. I listened for as long as I could, but the pain was pretty unberable and I finally said that I wished that he hadn't told me. That he had poured out his guilt at my expense and now I am miserable. I don't remember what he said next, but he did leave the bedroom and sleep on the couch.
This morning the mini-alien was back. He was mad because we had planned for me to do the computer work last night that is necessary for him to sign up for the talent bank portion of our state's unemployment program. Because we had company it didn't get done and he was pissed that he was going to have to take care of that himself. I was unsympathetic, I told him that he could get his OW to bust her a$$ for him, that I was sick of doing everything to support him while he did so little to help me get thru my heartache. Maybe I'm getting to the anger part of this now.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Yes Hope, I would say there was some anger there, but I like your response. H wants you to do everything for him.
I am glad that you had your dinner made for you that was nice.
Not sure but is it a good sign that he is telling you everything, even if it is more than you want? That is just a question for anyone I guess. Is that a stage, where he begins to let everything out?
I want to start off by saying, I think you are doing an amazing job and have shown quite a bit of grace in the face of all this (well except for the experimental gun re-sighting)!
I see you have had some interesting events as of late, most noticeable is your H admitting the full extent of his actions
The good news is he had the strength to own up to this. I think it also helps explain a lot of his erratic alien type behavior over the last year. The guilt can be pretty oppressive even if it comes across as him blaming you for feeling guilty….afterall if you were not there, there would be nothing to feel guilty about…sounds messed up, but so is the whole situation.
I also think he has been doing a very good job of communicating with you since admitting this. Realize he will make mistakes in his communication or may overlook things that may really get to you. He is making an effort, it took a lot to admit this, he has probably feared it for quite some time. The good news is he has lifted this burden from himself and should probably be more like his old self. If you had re-sighted his gun a few months ago instead of last week, I imagine the reaction would have been significantly different.
The bad news is you have now accepted the burden. You now have to deal with this. It is probably always been something you suspected or feared but never had definitive proof. So now you have the devil you know instead of the one you don’t. Whether it is an EA or PA it really doesn’t matter, they all pretty much bite. Like you said he has had a year to dwell on this moment, you are dealing with it all at once. This is not easy, but it should not be completely unexpected either.
The only advice I can give is to look at it from a couple different perspectives:
Your H has strayed but through the year MLC alien sightings he has decided to stay with you. It could have gone the other way and your strength is to be credited with keeping him in the home. Now you have to decided, knowing what you do, do you still want him. I suspect that the fact that you are still here would make me think that you do. So now how do you deal with the betrayal, the hurt and the pain……Your H feels better, Your H’s OW probably feels better….you have the burden.
This might sound a bit off the wall, but probably the best approach (once you get rid of your initial anger) is simply compassion and forgiveness…anything else is just going to make you feel worse over time and lead to resentment or shame. Realize that everyone involved is human and therefore have needs and have weaknesses. We would like our spouses to not have these, particularly when we need them the most….but at the end of the day they are human just like you and me.
Accept that everyone had a play in this horrible situation. It is easy to lay the blame at the OW, but the fact remains that your H had a play in this as well, as did her H and to a lesser extent yourself (due to your treatment). I don’t believe people go out looking for affairs. They typically happen because some basic need is not being met by the one they love the most. Someone is found that meets that need and they become like a drug. Please understand I am by no means blaming you, you were more likely than not unable to meet his need due to your treatment or perhaps the C showed him your mortality and that “scared” him into a genuine MLC. It is not hard to see how your H looked attractive to the OW, after all he was fulfilling the “father” need to her children when her H was not around. It could be this man was a great H in every other way but this need was at the top of her list. We would all like our spouses to rise above these trials….some are better at it than others.
This by no means excuses the behavior, but I feel it does show the humanity of it. So find the strength to forgive those involved. You will feel better. Also continue with the good communication, this will be key to keeping the two of you from going down this path again. Now is the time where you show true unconditional love……it will be work and it won’t be easy…..but you have what it takes.
I probably won’t post in quite a while, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Holiday season and you seemed like you really needed a friend. It may seem rough right now, but I truly feel this will be a better year for than last year was.
Take Care,
TD
PS: Things are going pretty good in my life. We have been doing a lot of renovation to the house, looking at invitro again after the first of the year and just renewed our vows in Vegas.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Thanks for the Hugs SC. I don't know how they live with themselves either, but it seems that there are more and more people that are able to do it these days.
That evil makes me sick.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The more you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
It speaks to me and I am feeling like I can be stronger and control myself.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
