H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Starting a new thread for when this one locks. Here's the last one:
This is your life on MLC!
Thank you for checking on me!

Peace,
Dawn

[One Day]

(((Dawn))))

Sorry to hear about your H- that's pants. How are you doing? I need to catch up on your thread.

L. xx

[MidwesternGirl]

Dawn:

You will be okay. Surround yourself with friends as much as you can because they do care about you.

I know how difficult this is and you will make it.

[Dawn of Hope]

Thanks, Lisa and MWG, I appreciate your posting to me! Other thread hasn't locked yet (not sure why), so I continue to post there for the moment (when I have time!).

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Okay, other thread finally locked, a while after I expected it to.

I'm back from my workshop trip to Michigan. This was the final one of the every-other-month series that has been going for a year. I actually flew this time instead of driving, and was glad I did. It wasn't much more expensive than the fuel I would have had to pay for, and also it wasn't great driving weather everywhere I would have had to go. For the first of these workshops, back in February, I spun into a ditch in a blinding snowstorm during the drive there, and I really didn't want to repeat that experience.

It was a pretty good workshop experience, although I was sort of embarrassed that everyone else was considerably better prepared for "show and tell" on the last day than I was, due to my emotional issues causing me major problems with getting anything done over the last few weeks. I didn't talk about any of that to these folks, although we have developed relationships to a certain degree over the course of this year--I just felt that I have told enough people about my M sitch that it's time to be a little more restrained about it. I will continue talking to people who already know, but I don't think I need to spread it any farther right now. I also have this feeling that I need to stop saying negative things about H, and I have some distance to go on that.

I have not had any communication with H since our voice-mail exchange on Friday night, although the neighbors told me they saw him here both Saturday and Sunday, as promised, so I guess he got my message. It's a little odd that he didn't check to make sure I got back okay. Not because I think he cares what happens to me (although he says he does, I don't entirely believe it), but because if I hadn't, and nobody twigged to it right away, the cats would be in trouble because they would run out of food and water. I saw a few signs that he was here, so I would have known even if they hadn't told me, but there weren't any big surprises. I saw that he had taken a few more things, but not much. I was a bit disturbed to see that a few things had vanished that were in the "marital aid" department, but...well, it's not like I didn't know about his extracurricular activities, and heaven knows I won't be using any of that stuff without him. There's still plenty of it here, though. (Don't get too excited...it's nothing very outrageous!)

I ended up staying up all night Saturday night trying to get this final project done, and then working as I could during class. I slept almost the whole flight home on Sunday evening(although that was less than two hours), then 15 hours that night.

I just signed up for FB (under the name Dawn Hope) a few days ago, and have now linked up as friends with Kalni, Ali, Lisa (One Day), Mishka, Jeff (Virtually Handsome)...umm, several other people have sent me friend requests, and I accepted all of them, but I don't know who all of them are here on the board! So if you did, and the correlation is not intuitively obvious by your FB handle (and you didn't send me a note of explanation with your friend request), please send me a FB message explaining who you are! I still need to spend some time posting pictures and filling out my profile, but I'm signed up, anyway. I'll probably not check on there as much as here, so if you send me a private message on FB, please post a note here on my thread so I will go check FB ASAP.

I'm feeling more detached from H now. I really don't care to hear from him unless he changes a lot from the way he's been with me lately, and gets his brain back. I'm certainly not contacting him unless I have to to handle business. I could check up on him, of course, as I know where he will be at certain times, but I just don't really care that much right now, nor do I see any point. I'm still puzzling over the $1500 that appeared on the credit card bill for a furniture store in OW's hometown. But I'm not spending a lot of energy on it.

Frankly, I'm just worn out after nearly a year and a half of dealing with this man who looks like my H but really isn't. I'm still sad, tired, angry. I just wish he would go away and come back when he's reformed, which hopefully won't be endless years away, but I can't count on that. I know I have work to do on myself, so that's what I will concentrate on. I know I've made a lot of strides from where I was a bit over a year ago...but sometimes it seems like the goal keeps getting farther away. I don't feel numb, exactly...more like emotionally (and physically) exhausted. I'm still having a lot of problems getting stuff done or going to bed at a reasonable hour, although I don't cry much or anything. I'm pretty sure this is my depression popping out with a little different pattern, although I've had trouble with both of these things for a while, but not as much as I do now.

Sorry to be such a voice of doom and gloom right now. I'm really sort of caving, I guess. I felt pretty good this weekend when I was with my classmates (when I wasn't feeling guilty and embarrassed about my lousy work habits), but I haven't actally seen another person since I got home Sunday night, and haven't talked to anyone except my mother. Just been hiding in my house with my cats; haven't even taken a shower in two days. Yuck, I guess I really am having problems. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon (nothing to do with my mental health, just a routine unrelated checkup), and yoga class tonight, so I should be getting out a little. <sigh> Guess I'll catch a few hours of sleep before I have to be presentable. I'm getting sort of sick of listening to myself complain, so I'm signing off now.

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Doing a bit better today. I actually spent about 6 hours today working on something for a client that was supposed to be done a couple of weeks ago. I have really been kicking myself for not having started, but couldn't seem to do anything about it. So that's a definite improvement--I'm close to halfway done now.

I have been falling asleep at random times since Sunday night--it's not narcolepsy, it's simple exhaustion from insufficient sleep. In fact, a little while ago, I was posting to MWG's thread, and I dozed off in the middle of typing, and the computer shut down and I lost the whole post. Bummer. I have been noticing today that I am slightly dizzy, too, which I also attribute to the exhaustion, since I don't feel ill in any other way. And now I'm going to bed, and it's only 3:45 a.m. Will catch up later.

Peace,
Dawn

[MidwesternGirl]

I am glad to hear you are doing better.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey dawn

Thats fantastic that you got half the job done, I'm impressed! I never did finish my novel :-( I went into a sitting at home reading mode, not too productive. I think you should be rightly proud of yourself!

Also good to hear you made it to the weekend class and interesting that you felt better being around people. This is something I push myself to do, but I need to do more of. I thikn me and you are quite similiar in that we tend to spend large amounts of time alone, at home, with cats, cogitating.. where we feel safe.. and I too stay up late and find it hard to go to bed (but I make myself by 1ish as I do have work some mornings). When I dont though.. I am up till 2.30 and then in bed till nearly lunchtime and get all annoyed at myself!

I thkn if I had more structure, or more people to go see, it would stop me falling back on old comfort zone stuff, like hiding in the house. I recgnise its a hiding to nowhere.. so I do understand. Hey lets both try .. get out a bit more, get to bed earlier.. ? Make a pact!

Sorry you are so tired all the time.. is that partly to do with your ADs? And yes, the last 18 months of being on eggshells may have caught up with you!

You thought anymore about setting the alarm.. so you have to wake up like 8/9am, to reprogram your body clock? Especially now your H is not there to hog the alarm...
Thinking of you as always and sending hugs,
Al x

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey there, Ali,
Thanks for posting to me. Looks like I have a lot of lurkers, but not so many posters.

I'm doing okay. I finished the work that was seriously overdue and got it shipped off tonight, finally, so that was a relief. I have several more orders that I need to get started on pretty soon, and people to contact.

I am still totally off track with my sleep schedule, but I hope I can get that under control pretty soon. I still find myself just exhausted all the time, but won't know if that is something to worry about unless I'm getting sleep in a more regular pattern. I think the exhaustion problem will diminish as I start to get the sleeping thing dealt with, and as I get past the shock, which I'm starting to do.

Talked to my friend Lynn tonight; we are tentatively planning to get together Sunday to do some holiday baking. I will probably do some pumpkin pies tomorrow, and then we'll do cookies on Sunday. I need to do grocery shopping tomorrow and also go to the library and take care of several business-related things. Then hopefully I can go to bed at a reasonable hour tomorrow night and get myself to church on Sunday. I really miss going to church, but mine doesn't have any regular services later than 10:30 a.m., which for me is really pushing the schedule to "crack of dawn" level, so I usually don't make it out of bed in time to attend. I want to change that (along with about 10,000 other things!).

I also decided, after reading the "Charlyne Cares" message (and a story on their site) a day or two ago, to change my mind about a decision I had already made, and actually do some decorating for Christmas...although I will pick and choose what I want to put up. H was always more into decorating than I was, so it was more his thing... For a while since H moved out, almost 3 weeks ago now, seeing Christmas lights made me sad, but I'm dealing with that better now. At least I don't have to compromise about the way I would like it, although truthfully I was never very bothered about the way he did it. But there's your thin silver lining.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I have no one to exchange gifts with, so I don't have to worry about shopping except for food. Nobody will be here for Christmas, so I don't have to do a lot in the way of guest preparations.

Okay, I think there might be a few other odds and ends, but I'm running out of brainpower since I'm so tired, so I will leave it at that.

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Oh yeah, I added some pictures and things on FB. Still missing a lot of the ones I would like to put up since they were on the fried computer, so those will have to wait until H recovers them from electronic limbo. I do like putting names and faces together.

Peace,
Dawn