A quick history......found out about H's A mid-September. He moved out of our home and in with OW at the end of Sept. He has now been back home for two weeks. I asked him today if he still felt unable to talk with me (he said I talked "down" to him) and he said "I don't know." We kept a discussion going for a few minutes and one thing he said is that he's not in the same place as he was when we got married. Well, duh, you're not supposed to be. Marriage is a journey; you fall in and out of love and then back in again. I told him that there were several things that I need to say and do but I'm afraid of pushing him away again. Plus, he's trying to take care of his elderly mother who appears to be declining daily (mentally). He's certain that he'll have to move in with her sooner rather than later. That scares me to death because it'll make it that much easier for him to rekindle the A and I wouldn't have any idea. I see my IC tomorrow, but I really needed to put this out there. I keep telling myself that this is just the embryo stage of this whole thing and that I need to be patient and diligent, but I gotta say, I'm not doing any of that very well.
He refuses to go to counseling. I haven't set boundaries yet, but am doing so tonight. I don't believe I've done a 180 because I'm not real sure what to do to accomplish that.
Unfortunately, no boundaries were set when he moved back in. Complete dumb move on my part. Right now, I am writing a letter to him in an attempt to set boundaries. I've always been able to say things better when I write than when I try to talk. Plus, I'm able to say exactly what I need to say without getting sidetracked.
Here's the letter I'm writing. I may edit it a little but it's basically it.
Dear WH, Today, I took a shot at the whole discussion thing and I don’t feel that we got very far. So, once again, I find myself writing you a letter to get everything out. It is my hope that one day we will be able to talk to each other again. Almost eleven years ago, we made vows to each other. Part of those vows was for better or worse and this is definitely a time where the latter comes into play. I am committed to our marriage and have faith that together we can make it better again. Like I said earlier, I am happy that you decided to come home. I believe that we can get thru this together and come out of it a stronger couple than ever. Unfortunately, there are some conditions that should have been set before you moved back home. I didn’t do it two weeks ago and haven’t done it yet out of extreme fear of you leaving again. At the same time, by me not setting some boundaries, I am doing an incredible disservice to myself. I need to start taking care of myself for the betterment of everyone involved. With that being said, this is what needs to happen in order for you to stay in the house with us and to make any reconciliation possible…….. 1. You have to cut all contact with Sonja. A marriage consists of two people not three. There is no way to have a relationship with her and try to reconcile with me at the same time. And you can’t wean yourself off of that relationship because it won’t help make it any easier. 2. There has to be complete transparency on your part. I need to know where you are, who you’re with, and when you’ll be home. If you’re going to be late, even 5 minutes, I need you to call and tell me. Leaving me to wonder and speculate is mean and hurtful. I need to have access to your cell phone and the cell phone bills. I had complete trust and confidence in you and it was totally shattered into a million pieces. I hate the feeling of not being able to trust you. Every time you walk out that door, it pains me over and over again. You’ll need to provide pertinent information, such as any contact attempted or made, without me having to ask. If I have to ask, I will think you are trying to hide it again. 3. You need to decide on marriage counseling or seeing a counselor by yourself. There is just no way around this. If you feel that the counselor and I will be attacking you, then see someone on your own. Some things in life you just have to have help figuring out. 4. I need to be able to ask any question about the affair and know that I will get a complete and truthful answer from you. Don’t start being afraid of hurting me now, there are things I need to know so that I can heal from all this. If the answers are dishonest or incomplete, that will only make it hurt more when the complete & honest truth comes out. You might hear the same questions over and over, but please be patient with me and keep answering them. I understand that this is a lot to take in right now and probably seems impossible at the moment, but I am here to help you in any way I can. This is going to be a long, difficult road but I would rather travel it with you than without you.
That's a real good letter. The only suggestion I would make is to change "you need to" to "I need you to." No-contact/transparency should be positioned as something YOU need in order to be able to trust him again, based on what he's done.
Thank you for posting your great letter about setting boundaries. That is something that will be very useful to others. I should have done that with my husband after I found out about his EA. My IC is a DBer but she did not suggest I do anything about setting boundaries. My husband is not sure if he even wants to stay married, perhaps my IC feels that gives me less power to set boundaries. And like you, I was afraid of pushing him away again. But now I see that you do need to set boundaries or else you are just letting him eat cake. So giving him that that letter is essential for you to take some control of this situation.
Hi Momma, I would take out the word "Unfortunately". Also I would not let H know that you are fearful for him to leave. That is giving him too much control. I think the letter is good. Let us know..good luck
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
