WDID, W never mentioned talking to anyone about what had happened to her, and I doubt she did. Kind of her "I don't need anyone" attitude.
Would she ever? Doubt it again. I've read enough to know that something like that happening to her could be where she gets her need for male validation. And I'm assuming here, but I can see how it probably played a part in her A. A stressful time comes around with our relocation and her really not liking her new job and along comes the predator and, like Break says, fills her up with so much confidence and "love and affection" that it's like a drug that she couldn't resist.
So now she's convinced herself because she doesn't get that euphoric high from me, that she must not love me.
Things were really good yesterday. But I just wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle. Will W EVER realize that what she's looking for is unattainable, but will keep looking because she got that "high" from OM? Will she keep looking and bounce from relationship to relationship when the "high" wears off? How long do I give her to come to the realization that what she has right in front of her is "real" and not what she's looking for?
I know I can't convince her myself. I know she has to come to the conclusion on her own. So I guess I just need to continue to be the rock in our relationship and when I can't be the rock any longer, end things and let her decide what she wants to do with her life.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
The comment you made about bouncing from relationship to relationship My W has said this to me before...how she wants to fall in love over and over.. childish when you think about it.
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
I know I can't convince her myself. I know she has to come to the conclusion on her own. So I guess I just need to continue to be the rock in our relationship and when I can't be the rock any longer, end things and let her decide what she wants to do with her life.
Hence my continued concern for her total lack of desire for any introspection.
So now she's convinced herself because she doesn't get that euphoric high from me, that she must not love me.
Oh no. You're mindreading. Her behavior doesn't suggest that at all. She may HAVE felt that way, but she's come closer and closer to you suggesting otherwise now.
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Things were really good yesterday. But I just wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle. Will W EVER realize that what she's looking for is unattainable, but will keep looking because she got that "high" from OM? Will she keep looking and bounce from relationship to relationship when the "high" wears off? How long do I give her to come to the realization that what she has right in front of her is "real" and not what she's looking for?
Again, she hasn't told you she's thinking that. In fact your frustration is that she won't tell you anything. So you're filling in the blanks with your fears...who says she's "looking for" anything right now? She's with you. She is clearly showing signs of growing closer to you. Read that article again, it said that stuff like the hand jerking away stuff was an involuntary response and should improve, but now you're attributing all these thoughts to that action.
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I know I can't convince her myself. I know she has to come to the conclusion on her own. So I guess I just need to continue to be the rock in our relationship and when I can't be the rock any longer, end things and let her decide what she wants to do with her life.
Time will tell...you have a natural deadline in the future with the move, so just do this one day at a time right now. Think you need more GAL at this point, and less dwelling on what thoughts you think are going through W's head.
Suggestion........Stop trying to interpret every single action and statement!! It will drive you crazy! When she's back in the fold you will know it. Life will go on if she doesn't. You gave her a gift of maintaining the stability of the family during her affair and even after repeated punches to the face, you accepted her back because you love her. Right now she doesn't realise fully how big of a gift that was. And she knows you love her probably more than any other male ever has. How much that means to her that is the question yet to be answered. Soon you will find out if that fact is enough to snap her out of her MLC/Childhood induced funk. If not, you and your sons will survive without her.
The clock is ticking on your relationship, she just doesn't realise it yet. She thinks she can continue to give you scraps and you will accept it and always be there. Well for now its OK as long as things keep heading in the right direction....but eventually you have to get there. She knows what you want, she just needs to want the same thing.
Relax for now, you are is a better place than most.
Suggestion........Stop trying to interpret every single action and statement!! It will drive you crazy! When she's back in the fold you will know it. Life will go on if she doesn't. You gave her a gift of maintaining the stability of the family during her affair and even after repeated punches to the face, you accepted her back because you love her. Right now she doesn't realise fully how big of a gift that was. And she knows you love her probably more than any other male ever has. How much that means to her that is the question yet to be answered. Soon you will find out if that fact is enough to snap her out of her MLC/Childhood induced funk. If not, you and your sons will survive without her.
The clock is ticking on your relationship, she just doesn't realise it yet. She thinks she can continue to give you scraps and you will accept it and always be there. Well for now its OK as long as things keep heading in the right direction....but eventually you have to get there. She knows what you want, she just needs to want the same thing.
Relax for now, you are is a better place than most.
You just contradicted yourself.
She's doing the best she can. It isn't "scraps" it's the pieces she's relearning to give. If H4U looks at her genuine steps toward him as "scraps" she's tossing him then they are in trouble.
None of you LBS's want to hear that your efforts are scraps, do you?
Break, the problem is, I feel like they're scraps. Granted, those scraps seem to be growing more and more. And sometimes I even get an appetizer out of them! But I appreciate the post. Your insights are very helpful and up lifting. Ya know, there have been many times when I've thought to myself, "I know we had a good marriage and I know she didn't go looking for this affair, so as long as I'm strong enough to give her the time she needs, we'll make it". Question is, will I be strong enough to last until she figures it out?
Pup, Her lack of introspection concerns me also, but ya know, she sleeps on the couch and there have been a number of times the last couple weeks when I've gone to bed that she's looked at me with a pained look on her face and I have no idea if maybe she does that introspection while on the couch, in the dark, by herself. Problem is, she's so frickin stubborn that if she was looking at herself she'd never let me know. And until she's ready to talk (if ever), I'll never really know whether she's taken that look.
Flynn, I know you're right. I need to quit analyzing every little thing. A few months ago I got good at looking at our relationship once a week and comparing it to previous weeks. But after our connection on vacation, I think it got my hopes up and my expectations too high. I became too impatient again. I almost wish we hadn't ML on the trip because it was so passionate, I know she was having "those" feelings for me, but how can they be turned off so quickly after? Of course, with us going to Gatlinburg this weekend, if we "connect" again, I'm not going to turn it down. We've got a fireplace and 2 person jacuzzi tub in our room. How much more of a setting conducive to romance do you need?
But I have noticed a few small things the last few days that are some of the same things I saw shortly before vacation. I won't go into the details because they're pretty insignificant to everyone but me, but they're there and they tell me she's getting more comfortable again. But we'll see.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Well you could get more romantic from a women's point of view but I also think that you don't want this to end up like a big seduction scene.
Bring some bubbles or bath salts for the bath and some candles. Make it for her and if she invites you in then that is all the better.
Have some champagne and chocolates or wine if she doesn't like champagne(not everyone does). Just think of the small things that will surprise her and show her how much you love and want her.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Break, the problem is, I feel like they're scraps. Granted, those scraps seem to be growing more and more. And sometimes I even get an appetizer out of them! But I appreciate the post. Your insights are very helpful and up lifting. Ya know, there have been many times when I've thought to myself, "I know we had a good marriage and I know she didn't go looking for this affair, so as long as I'm strong enough to give her the time she needs, we'll make it". Question is, will I be strong enough to last until she figures it out?
I know you feel like they are scraps...but that's why I said that. Because I believe she IS trying. Only you can decide if and when it's enough. I hope she can come closer.
