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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: hope3343] #1653342
11/19/08 04:29 PM
11/19/08 04:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 114
Arizona
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marisol35 Offline
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Hi Ladies!

I'm also curious about what TxMom asked....have any of you paid for coaching sessions and what was your experience? Hope it sounds like you have.

Hope I'm concerned about your C. I mean he may be looking out for your best interests but then it would have thrown me off as well for him to suggest a PI to protect yourself.

How are you doing T2L? We haven't heard from you!!

How is it going All? What did you decide to do?

Today is my 1st dance class! I'm excited and looking forward to it after work.

I do have interesting news for you all and please feel free to lend your thoughts on this.....

OK so last week H out of the blue asks me if I am in a relationship with his cousin. His cousin was the best man at our wedding. For some unknown reason he thinks we are together but we are not. Neither his cousin nor I have shown him any reason that we are together so its almost like jealousy or something has taken over his logical thinking. Anyway I told him whether I am or not is none of his business because he made his choice and is living his life and I am doing the same. I never told him that I was or wasn't. I in fact called his cousin to let him know that he thinks we are together and I also told his cousin that I didn't know where he got this from nor that I have said anything to make him believe this. His cousin was shocked as well.

So that was Tuesday of last week. Yesterday he emails me about our D16 and when will she ever talk to him. I told him she is just not ready yet but that its important for him to show her as much as possible how much he misses her and loves her. Then later at 8pm he texts asking if we were home. We were not so I told him we were not home and at a friends house. He says he was in the area and his son wanted to see where we lived. That makes me wonder but I just don't think twice about it. Then he texts again at 9pm asking about Thanksgiving. I tell him we will be out of town. He asks where and I tell him. He says it looks like it will just be him and his mom. I don't respond to that and I just let him know that I talked with D16 and that I will do what I can to let her know how much he misses her. He thanks me and that was it. Then I get a text at 1130pm from him asking who I am dating these days besides his cousin. I could not believe it. I waited a bit and responded (which I probably should not have) its not about dating its about meeting people and discovering who I am. Then he starts demanding the truth and why can't I just tell him if I did or didn't. I told him that if I said I did it would ruin his relationship with his cousin and if I said I didn't he would just call me a liar because he already believes I did. I ended the conversation and told him he should focus on his life and not on if I am with his cousin or not. THEN I get an email this morning with the subject line saying "Yes or No!" I do not plan on responding to his email.

So tell me ladies why the sudden interest who I am dating and why does he care if I did or didn't have a relationship with his cousin (which I have not). He is confusing me. Regardless why is knowing so important to him. What difference will it make? He wants a D.

How should I respond if I should even respond to something like this?


Me35/H35
D16/SS14
M-1yr/known H 18yrs
1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35
2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21
Moved out 8/21/08
H filed D on 9/9/08

God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: marisol35] #1653355
11/19/08 04:48 PM
11/19/08 04:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 724
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hope3343 Offline
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Hi Marisol, that fog babble just kills us. Ok, H is having the A and he wants to know if you are cheating??

You don't want his cousin stuck in a situation that he did not create if H decides to act on his craziness.

If you respond I would do it in a joking way without giving any information.
Say something like "I am a married woman, why would I be dating...LOL -- Oh that's right it is you that is married and dating. Too funny"
In that way it puts it back on his actions.
How long has it been since D16 talked to H? My D15 is on 1 month with no contact.
I sent a couple of pictures to my H from D15's homecoming. One picture was me and her (with my recent weight loss!) Had to see what H was missing..lol I just said look how beautiful she was.


Me 53
H 50
D16, D29
M 22 years
bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H
8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also
bomb II - H moves 10/1
expose ow 10/22
D to be final 9-09
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: hope3343] #1653360
11/19/08 05:00 PM
11/19/08 05:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 114
Arizona
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marisol35 Offline
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Arizona
It is!! This fog stuff is craziness....it just doesn't make sense. He told me he asked his cousin but he wanted to hear it from me. I told him well you got your answer from your cousin. Its almost like he wants me to say that I did so he can have a reason to not come back and if I say I didn't then he will think he still has me or something so he can continue on with his A. I know he won't do anything to his cousin, they are like brothers which is why I think it is killing him so much to not know.

I just don't know if I should respond or just leave it alone.

My D16 has not seen her dad since Oct 17th. That was the last time she actually talked to him and saw him.

If this is a sign of hope that he still loves me what would be the best way for me to approach this?


Me35/H35
D16/SS14
M-1yr/known H 18yrs
1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35
2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21
Moved out 8/21/08
H filed D on 9/9/08

God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: hope3343] #1653368
11/19/08 05:15 PM
11/19/08 05:15 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 724
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hope3343 Offline
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Originally Posted By: hope3343


If you respond I would do it in a joking way without giving any information.
Say something like "I am a married woman, why would I be dating...LOL -- Oh that's right it is you that is married and dating. Too funny"
In that way it puts it back on his actions.


In this way you are responding -- just not in the way your H wants and maybe it will diffuse his anger. You know when they are in the fog babble that they rewrite everything. This is just another way for H to prove he is right having his A. You do not need to buy into that. good luck


Me 53
H 50
D16, D29
M 22 years
bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H
8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also
bomb II - H moves 10/1
expose ow 10/22
D to be final 9-09
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: hope3343] #1653386
11/19/08 05:30 PM
11/19/08 05:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 114
Arizona
M
marisol35 Offline
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Arizona
Hope - You mentioned you have done the DB counseling sessions...how was that for you? Thanks for the advice....


Me35/H35
D16/SS14
M-1yr/known H 18yrs
1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35
2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21
Moved out 8/21/08
H filed D on 9/9/08

God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: marisol35] #1653511
11/19/08 07:02 PM
11/19/08 07:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 724
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hope3343 Offline
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Posts: 724
I did 3 and I am doing one last one on Friday. They are very good. I have not had one in over a month. I went to Jody.


Me 53
H 50
D16, D29
M 22 years
bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H
8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also
bomb II - H moves 10/1
expose ow 10/22
D to be final 9-09
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: hope3343] #1653562
11/19/08 07:34 PM
11/19/08 07:34 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 59
Chicago Burbs
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AllW8SBF Offline
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Chicago Burbs
Ok I'm going to go back and read more but needed to make note of a few things I read from everyone.

First you girls are some of the most brillant and grounded woman I know. Hell yeh he should be able to get a clue of his own on what I want - I'm sure he can't because he is so wrapped up in himself, but his birthday is a week after mine and I already bought 1 thing - it is small and cost like nothing so in case we didn't buy gifts I wouldn't be too upset spending money. But I know it's something he'd like - duh it's Cowboys.

Next someone asked - Marisol I think, about the DB coach, for me (I talk to Cheryl), I can't say that it's absolutely necessary. I mean, I think praying is WAY more important and useful and it's free! Even if God does nothing I feel better when I think of God and all the great things he's done in my life, even after all this. But I have NONE to talk to about this, (with the exception of you girls and I feel horrible for coming on here so much and some of the things I say can't be fun to hear), and now I'm really feeling bad for telling my sis, because she's dealing with a lot, and now she just brought up if H is taking his meds and that she worries that she knows all this and is not telling M & D and then if he did something to me she'd feel so guilty.
So for me I need talk to someone who is pro marriage and can handle this. IE DB coach. But I think a priest could do the same. But I still can't believe that is what their there for. So I can't get myself up to talking to one, don't know where to start.
I only talk to DB coach every other week. And they get you in for 3 sessions, but tell you there is a special if you do 6. So I did that.
She really just listens to me, and I tend to make the realization of what I need to do. But WHY can't I get the answer when the problem occurs - IE when he's passive aggressive.

Where in OK you going Marisol?
I've been thinking of taking a road trip to TX just before the TG holiday and it would take me through Tulsa.

I'm not sure about the PI Hope, part of me thinks sure to protect yourself both with concerns to Divorce but also at work, if you have a PI and work finds out about H and what do you call her she got all that work done, well you can say you had suspicions but needed to get proof before you could come forward so that protects your job too.
And I think the thought is that it may help drag out the divorce giving more time for H to come out of fog but I think that could push him farther in. So I'm more on the side of no PI.

And HOPE, I'm not sure what D would do for H since he can't come out about how he misused his position at company for he'd lose job. But am I getting the feeling your thinking that he's thinking so crazy he won't care how f*cked his life gets?

This Thursday my church has a Divorce Recovery thing about dealing with the holidays. I'm not going - I'm going to the movies with some girls I just met.
And Rejoice Ministries just did their thing about the holidays saying that it's really worse for H's during this time. We have family, and with the exception of H not there we continue our traditions where they can't/don't.

OK this is long enough, and I need to go back to first post and read forward now.


Jen
Me 32
H 35
Married 8yrs 3/11/2000 - Together 10 yrs
No Children

1st Bomb - 7/1999
2nd Bomb - 8/2004
3rd A - 10/2006
4th A & Bomb - 10/12/08

Done sweeping things under the rug, I need to start doing something...But what?
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: marisol35] #1653657
11/19/08 08:51 PM
11/19/08 08:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 302
Southern California
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Trying2live Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 302
Southern California
Marisol,
LOLOLOLOL that is classic! I'm sorry but I'm loving his desperation. You owe him no explanations and I think your answer of finding yourself and work on your self was simply mah-velous! Its not judgmental.

Wonder if the paradise of fog land is not going so well.

Remember have NO EXPECTATIONS and keep the neutral answers going if you must answer.

He unfortunately will have to ride out the D16 thing as did my H. These are not little kids and have their own thoughts and feelings and we truly can't force anything. Little children are obviously different.

I wouldn't even respond to the questions about cousin. I do like the fact that he's interested though. I mean its true no matter how you answer that question its like damned if do and damned if you don't.


Me-38 H-38
Married 18years
Daughter-17 & Son-9
Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08
Left home 5/08/08
Moved in with OW 08/01/08

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.
-- Lee Iacocca
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: hope3343] #1653659
11/19/08 08:52 PM
11/19/08 08:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 302
Southern California
T
Trying2live Offline OP
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Trying2live  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 302
Southern California
Originally Posted By: hope3343


If you respond I would do it in a joking way without giving any information.
Say something like "I am a married woman, why would I be dating...LOL -- Oh that's right it is you that is married and dating. Too funny"

Yeah that's a great response if you need to give one.


Me-38 H-38
Married 18years
Daughter-17 & Son-9
Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08
Left home 5/08/08
Moved in with OW 08/01/08

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.
-- Lee Iacocca
Re: Trying2Live-Post #5 [Re: AllW8SBF] #1653661
11/19/08 08:56 PM
11/19/08 08:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 114
Arizona
M
marisol35 Offline
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Posts: 114
Arizona
Hey All - Thanks for the insight on the DB coach. I am going to Bixby, OK which is right outside of Tulsa. My aunt lives there.

I would consider talking to your parents about what is going on. My mom knew something was happening and I just broke down and told her. They may not be pro-marriage because of the pain they see their daughter in (my parents are not pro-marriage at all). I understand now why they feel that way because I would do the same for my daughter but in having gone through this myself it would be her decision and I would support her either way. In time, I know that if I were to talk to my parents and if I were to reconcile they would be there for me as I am sure your parents would do the same for you.

Ok, I just got an email from H saying "stop ignoring me! I'm going to keep bothering you until you give me an answer!"

This is insane.....what would your response be?


Me35/H35
D16/SS14
M-1yr/known H 18yrs
1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35
2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21
Moved out 8/21/08
H filed D on 9/9/08

God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
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