Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

I talked with a guy friend of mine who said I was overreacting. (And he usually is not one to 'stick up' for my H.) He said that "single" is the default and that just because my H didn't put pics of me in there, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. My friend said that if his wife used the same criteria (ie, number of pics of her in his profile) she would be mad too. His thinking is that people should post themselves in their profile.
I would have agreed if there weren't a ton of pics of my H's sibs. Friend said I was probably not being fair by not just stating what I was upset over.

So, H called me to find out why I was upset. I explained that maybe I was misunderstanding, but since I am looking for "clues" to see what his state of mind is, the 'clues' didn't look good. He started to 'explain' why he had posted pics, which computer he was on, etc and I told him I wasn't wanting an explanation- he can post whatever pics he wants. I was looking at the big picture which is he lists himself as single and I was glaringly missing from his profile. So then he says "Well, that one pic was the only one good one of you.." which made me say "uh no. There were plenty from Costa Rica- the trip which was also missing from the profile."

On Saturday I had said that I needed to see some sort of forward movement/better communication and he said he would "ponder" on it.

I said "look, in lieu of open communication, I am stuck looking for clues. You had said you would "ponder" things. Have you done that?" He said he had been thinking about that and we would talk about it tomorrow. (New Years Eve)

I said I was sorry for sort of ambushing him, but my feelings were hurt and he said "no, you're right." So, that was "good" in the sense that my friend made it seem like I had just made a very big mistake and that my H would probably be mad at me for being falsely accused of something.

Little nervous about how New Years will go down, but it is what it is. I have started to push him and that usually means he will push back. The other night (before I asked if I should give up) he was talking about how important it was that we separate so that he could try out this music thing; he had *thought* that success at work was important, but turns out it wasn't and he wished he would have been more involved with the kids; that family is good for some people and fulfills them, but not for him--it's just been a disappointment for him. My response to that was that we still had a chance to make it different and he didn't need to toss out the baby with the bath water.

Anyway- I dunno. I just know that I feel like I have spent the past year getting nowhere.

[NikB]

(((Trixi)))

I have SO much to say but also a party to get ready for and have somewhere from 40-75 people coming over (just love people who won't RSVP and an H who won't confirm!). Anyway.... I will post very very briefly on the things that jumped out at me the most. Sound like a plan?

He bought RockBand 2 as a Christmas present for the house, and told me that I get to be the drummer (or guitar player) and can come play whenever I want. That I am "part of the band".

Oh good lord... what are you both, 12???

He apologized and agreed that he has been being a jerk and hasn't been showing me that I am important.

Well... at least you're in agreement.

Good thing (for him) you're still willing to let him call all the shots, and constantly reminding him that you're there waiting and wishing and hoping. I base that on this:

Saturday night I asked H point blank if I should just give up and he said he didn't want me to.

I think it's pretty sad, needy, and clingy that you asked this... not to mention, giving him all the power again. "should I give up on getting scraps of attention from a man who clearly is barely interested in having me in his life?" yuck.

I am hoping that your response was better.

He has had me help him move his son into a different room, drive him and SS around all over the place, asked me to help him get things organized and cleaned up (which I did) and he can't even manage to include ME in his online life???!!! And he put he was SINGLE when there are much better options like the truth:"married". Or even "In a relationship" or "It's complicated". But single?!?

Can I rephrase this just a little bit?

"I have chosen to bust my a$$ moving son into different room, driving him and SS all over the place even though he is barely including me in his life at all. I even helped him get organized and clean things up when he asked, while STILL treating me like I'm totally unimportant to him."

I kinda agree with your friend that the "status" isn't that big of a deal since it DOES default to Single - but after you told him you were upset about it and he didn't change it? THAT is a big deal.

I explained that maybe I was misunderstanding, but since I am looking for "clues" to see what his state of mind is, the 'clues' didn't look good.

I don't even know what else to "say."

The other night (before I asked if I should give up) he was talking about how important it was that we separate so that he could try out this music thing; he had *thought* that success at work was important, but turns out it wasn't and he wished he would have been more involved with the kids; that family is good for some people and fulfills them, but not for him--it's just been a disappointment for him.

Well.. there you have it. Remember awhile back when you posted your thoughts and SS's about family being most important? I told you I felt that it might be to you and to him but it was up to H to decide his own priorities (sad as they might be). It seemed obvious at the time it was NOT in fact family. Now, he has confirmed it for you.

Do you want to be married to a man who doesn't find family fulfilling and does not want it to be his top (or even a high) priority in his life?

Anyway- I dunno. I just know that I feel like I have spent the past year getting nowhere.

I totally agree.. especially in your R/M, but I feel like you're still missing a huge chunk of your personal growth and movement forward, too. If you were focusing on yourself and making your future wonderful no matter what - I think you'd feel that you've gotten a lot farther. This is something *I* need to get refocused on, too. I feel like the first 6 months of this year I did a LOT of that, the past 6 months or so - not so much. Like a stall, or something.

(((Trixi)))

(a hug to go with all those icky 2x4s!).

I hope that you have a wonderful New Year's Eve and day! I am in a way sad you are spending it with your H. I think it would have been an awesome 180 to get all decked out and go to a party or something. Maybe even drop by for a "pre-party cocktail" with H (looking and feeling fabulous of course!!!), then leaving for your party. Probably too late but... give it some thought? If you know of anything you could go do?

Most importantly of all I wish you a very Happy New Year! I hope that 2009 is the year that you choose to love YOURSELF more than your H. And I wish us both the motivation we need to make those strides in personal growth, too. Sound good??

Happy New Year!!

[Trixi]

Hey Nik-
I agree that I haven't done enough in the way of personal growth this past year. H and I are supposed to "talk" tonight. It could go either way, I think.
I have SO much more to tell, but I don't think that now is the right time.

When he was talking about how we 'needed' to separate so he could try out this music thing, it was more in the past tense. SS is definitely holding a mirror up to H. There appears to be a bit of a shake up going on. The other day we came back from going out and RM had gotten there before us and we came in and it stunk like pot and SS groused and then I said to H "Dude, it reaks in here" and H says "I told RM to keep his door shut.." And I just looked at him like 'uh huh. what's your point?' and he said "I need to talk to him again."

Just to clarify one thing-- I hadn't said anything about the "Single" designation until yesterday afternoon when I was also talking about the pictures. I haven't been back to FB, so I don't know if he has been back and/or changed anything.

I hope you have a great time tonight! And I am really looking forward to hearing how you are going to 'get back on the wagon' with regard to your own personal growth. Is this in addition to, or in lieu of figuring out a bigger goal for you and your H?

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hugs to YOU!! you have been a real blessing for me this past year+.
Here's to a much better 2009!

[NikB]

Oh good lord... what are you both, 12???

I just wanted to apologize for this.. I'm sorry! It sounded OK in my head but it looks really, really rude on paper.

It just struck me as "funny" (not the "ha ha" funny) that here you are worrying about your future, your M, what to do - and here he is going "Well, I won't tell you what I want, won't commit to a damn thing, but hey - wanna be in my virtual band??

(I hope that explained it better)

(((Trixi)))

Happy 2009! Let's make sure of it eh?

[NikB]

We cross posted

Just wanted to respond quickly - yes, BOTH personal growth and looking for more of a shared meaningful goal for H and I.

Good luck tonight - I hope things go well!

[Trixi]

It just struck me as "funny" (not the "ha ha" funny) that here you are worrying about your future, your M, what to do - and here he is going "Well, I won't tell you what I want, won't commit to a damn thing, but hey - wanna be in my virtual band??

LOL- lame, I know. Funny, though, this actually was progress in my mind. THAT'S just how bad it's gotten. When him 'inviting' me to be in his virtual band "means" something.

TTY next year. ha ha

[SallyM]

hey trixi,

just popping by to say hi and I hope you have a good 2009. so sorry your situation still seems to be back and forth so much still. hoping you find peace and joy in the new year!

morgan/sally

[Choosing_Life]

@SallyM, love your sig quote.

@OP, may 2009 be a year of great personal growth for you!

[Trixi]

Thanks for stopping by Sally- I hope all is going really great for you

My situation did not turn out like I had hoped. I actually had insider info from SS that H had asked him his opinion and he happily gave it; that H seemed happier with me around; that it felt 'right' when we are all together vs when H, SS and RM are together...H asked my SS if he would be disappointed either decision (ie D or stay together) and SS told him that he would be VERY disappointed if H didn't stay with me. That it was obvious he loved me and that H needed to stop acting like some spoiled teenager and live up to his commitment. SS was convinced that H was on the verge of talking about fulling reconciling.

Today H and I finally "talked". H said that we couldn't continue like we have been, that it wasn't fair to either one of us, but that admittedly, it is much easier for him because he has been cake eating. Early in the convo, he was trying to say that he wasn't sure what direction he would choose, but that he would know by the end of the month. He was asking what I needed to see so that I would know that things were moving forward. He said that he felt like he wanted to seek advice from others; and he wished he could drive because he could probably use some individual counseling.
But peppered thru out, he seemed to be tossing out trial balloons like "I might make the wrong decision and then think better of it and come to you in a month and maybe you'd be there, maybe not." and "if that did happen, and I came back, you would have to hold my feet to the fire and demand certain things from me; that I meet your needs" and "Maybe it's gone on like this for too long and can't be fixed" "I am afraid to lose you, I don't want to lose your friendship and I don't want our family to be damaged" (To that I said "when you choose to walk away from a marriage, there will be collateral damage".)


Finally I said "I feel like I am being led to the slaughter and you are tossing out trial balloons" and he said "Well, I guess since I can't commit, I am leaning towards breaking it off..." and so I started packing my stuff and said "Okay. Well, I just heard you say you were breaking it off. I will take SS to rehab [in patient for 3 weeks] next week with you because I think we both need to support his sobriety. But I don't really want to take you to your arraignment or counseling because I would rather not see you." He said he could get a ride, that was fine. He also said "Well, I wasn't *saying* I wanted to break it off NOW, but I guess it's for the best....I mean, I was just saying if I had to decide today, that was how I was leaning, but I guess it's just better to do it today than to do it next week."

I told SS goodbye and he followed me to my car (after H told him to just let me go). SS said he was shocked that his dad was letting me go, but that he always comes back, so..... He also felt bad because he was just sure that H would be wanting to discuss how to move things forward. And honestly, after what SS had told me yesterday, I was a little surprised at the way things turned out, too. In fact, given how the conversation started, I am very surprised out how things ended up.

At one point I had said "On the way to the airport to go to Costa Rica, you said you loved me more than anyone in the whole world-- you can't chalk that up to being caught up in the moment". He thought it about it and said "Yeah, it's true. I do love you more than anyone in the world-- I don't know why I can't just run with that."
Me neither.

[Loving_Life]

Hey Trixi- Dropping in to say hi and happy new year! Sorry to hear how dense your h continues to be.. I hope you can find some solace in focusing on crafts and stuff you really love to do. Any new projects lately?

Do you want to be married to a man who doesn't find family fulfilling and does not want it to be his top (or even a high) priority in his life?

I think this is really the essence of the situation from a detached viewpoint. And at any moment you can be the one in control, you should be the one in control of your life, right! It's all about what you want to do in any situation. So, time to think about YOU and what you want/need in life. No one else can take anything away from you. No one else can ruin you. Never ever ever. What really worked for me in my sitch was turning things around to my perspective. Like when my stbx said he didn't want the m, that was his "final decision" - it wasn't about him doing this to me, or him telling me how it would be, it was like well if that's how he feels- that's too bad, but it's his problem and his loss! Yeah, that's sad, but it's also like the toaster that doesn't work anymore and it makes much more sense to just go get that new shiny toaster now. I also want to let you know, (from someone who is dealing with the reality of having a final D) please don't be afraid to "move on". It really isn't that scary actually (like I used to think) and can really be fun if you get into tons of new and exciting things, new friends, etc.. It's also possible that if you make more steps to 'move on' and cut him out of your life, he will start running back to you in a major way and be willing to commit and act differently. It's your choice whether you choose to continue to leave the door open for him or not, but never forget that this is your life, it's an open book and it's your story-your story to write how you want, and edit out what you don't want!