Maybe this is stupid. I don't know if I should be angry or not. I don't like to quibble about money and yet, the feeling I have is disappointment, anger and even feeling unimportant. Not that money should mean anything...
Here's the situation. You guys can hit me with a 2x4 if I'm being stupid or selfish...
My husband and I have always had separate bank accounts. In the past we did usually have two joint accounts, but when he filed for D he insisted we close those accounts. Not long ago he inherited a large amount of money. That is his money and I would never expect him to share any of that with me. It's his inheritance. I have an inheritance from my grandmother (much MUCH smaller), but I've kept that to myself. It's basically my "security" since my husband makes 20x more than me and tends to threaten to leave me me about every 5 years... and did already D me once...
But here's the situation that bothered me. The whole thing seems petty, and yet I have these upset feelings about this...
From the estate that my H inherited from.... there is a car that needs to be sold. This car is newer and was quite expensive so blue book price right now is 90K. The other siblings didn't want the hassle of selling it (money to be split among all the siblings). When my H originally got the car he complained about having to sell it and told me he'd give me 5K as a commission if I sold it for him. To me 5K is a lot (not as much to my H), and I told him I'd be happy to do it and went ahead and took care of all that. Now, months later he's telling me he only said 1K.
Quite honestly, I was looking forward to paying off some bills, having extra money for Christmas which I buy for his whole family as well as my own, (and yes... a little botox. Hey, I do have to do something for myself once in awhile!!!). Anyhow, when he told me this I was kind of angry and disappointed. I told him I guess I should have gotten it in writing. Of course, he was furious about this. That we're married and I would even think I should get it in writing!
But gosh, I do feel I was misled. I've told him, maybe I misunderstood, maybe he was drunk when he mentioned this or just joking. I'm trying not to be upset with them, but it does bother me.
I spoke with some of my friends about it and they think the whole money separation in my marriage is weird and wrong. They think we should be a partnership. But he does pay all the bills (except my personal ones). Also, I'm used to living this way. I'm used to being financially independent from him. On the other hand, maybe he's just making it easier for himself when he decides he wants to exit the M again.
Anyhow, I'd be curious to hear other's thoughts on this
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hey ROOT this will come across as a bit flippant....but you know me by now. As far as I am concerned what's his is mine.....and what's mine is my own. My H brings in the $$$$$$ and that's always been our deal....even when I worked full time pre kids and earned more than him.
So I think I am a bit strange in my view on the whole money thing.
That aside - I do have full access to all the money and for tax purposes we spread it in the most efficient way....but then tax consultancy is my career. We have joint accounts and I have accounts in just my name too. He has no accounts in just his sole name.
We are lucky not to have been in the position where we have inherited any large sums yet as those nearest and dearest to us are still alive...but I have always assumed we would discuss what we would do jointly with any significant inheritance we receive.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi ROOT- Hmmm...money is always a touchy subject. I am not sure I have any advice for you but I can relate.
My mother and her H handle their finances the same way you and your H do...They have been married for almost 30 years and have no children together. My step-father has a lot more money than my mother and wants to make sure that none (and I mean NONE) of his money goes to her children. My mother owns the house they live in so he pays her rent, he pays the bills and he gives her an allowance for household expenses. My mother has had many issues with her H over the arrangement, occassionally to the point she wants a D...but then they somehow work it out. I know at times it made her feel like she had no value to her H...or that his money was more important.
When my H and I were together, we each had individual accounts and we had a joint account. My H would give me money to put in the joint account every month to pay the bills but since the bomb, he has let me know that he resented giving me his money. I do have more in the bank than my H does but H makes a good living. My H has a tendancy (especially since the bomb) to waste money where I have always been much more practical and frugal...so we didn't see eye-to-eye. Not sure how we will work things if he moves back with me.
Do you think your H would go for C to discuss some of these issues so you could set some guidelines that seem fair to both of you?
I'm afraid that you are right, you should have gotten it in writing. At this point, I would say, try to split the difference. Go for $2,500. Most people are willing to do half of whatever amount they disagree over.
I kind of feel foolish. I have never even thought of separate accounts. All of our money is pooled together. (Except for my firewood money) Never really bothered me because w used to make twice what I made. But 3 years ago with her job loss...... I kind of feel like if you start out in a marriage "separating stuff" then you are already saying mine is mind... I have felt that what is mine or hers is "ours".
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
From the estate that my H inherited from.... there is a car that needs to be sold. This car is newer and was quite expensive so blue book price right now is 90K. The other siblings didn't want the hassle of selling it (money to be split among all the siblings). When my H originally got the car he complained about having to sell it and told me he'd give me 5K as a commission if I sold it for him. To me 5K is a lot (not as much to my H), and I told him I'd be happy to do it and went ahead and took care of all that. Now, months later he's telling me he only said 1K.
Hey Runningoutoftime... It seems like most of the posts focused on the topic of splitting finances in general. (except for Sara's) Yes, getting in writing would have prevented this situation, but who thinks of that especially with their spouse.
I'm looking at the dollar amounts and personally I can see why you'd be upset. The blue book value is 90K and his recollection is that he was only going to give you 1K?? Isn't this essentially found money for him? Sure he's going to pay taxes on it, but it really doesn't sound like he's desperate for money. I would personally stand my ground on the 5K unless you think it would cause undue stress with the marriage in general. Tell him you remember it being 5K and it wouldn't have been worth your time and frustration to do the 1K. If he insists the agreement was for 1K, tell him to just forget it and to keep the money. I would think he'd change his mind since it really isn't that much compared to the price of the car. It comes down to picking your battles.
HFF, Find out what the normal commission is for selling high end cars then go to him with that info and expect to be paid for your work. Any businessman would respect that. If he still has a problem with the facts then the issue isn't the commission.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I don't feel comfortable mixing marriage and business. When you are married to someone for a long time and care about them, money like this shouldn't be such an issue. On the other hand, if there are bills to be paid down, a budget to cover, etc... then being frugal is important and money should be used for that first.... although I know in this situation that is not the case...
I think in this situation it's not the money or the amount that bothers me, there's something more....
After thinking about it I realize there are other things in the past that bothered me. Things that made me feel unimportant and unvalued in the marriage. And some of it was tied to fianancial matters. For example, when my husband first got a cell phone. He bought one for himself, never spoke about adding me to it, and then he eventually added our daughter to his plan... but I had my own pay-as-you-go plan that I had been using for years. He didn't add me on for years. I never complained about it, but in some ways it made me feel like I was unimportant, or "not part-of-the-family."
Anyhow... I don't like quibbling over stuff like this, so I decided that he doesn't need to pay me anything. I don't mind helping him sell the car. I like helping others and that's who I am. I don't do it for money. I think if this extra money is so important to him he can keep it. It doesn't make me feel closer to him or valued, but I can't force that or change it.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Maybe I missed it, but have you (or can you) discussed this with your H?
After the pain and difficulty of having to split our accounting off from each other after separating, having merged completely the first year of our M, I am now of the opinion it makes a lot of sense to not no commingle everything. I now believe it wise to have separate accounts for each and one joint account to which each spouse contributes their fair, mutually-agreed upon share.
Having said that, I do know that the joint expenses are precisely one area covered in the spheres of marriage that offer the opportunity of intimacy. Where we have joint finances is but one more area where we should focus on our sharing.
I think it would behoove you if you could broach the subject with your H, stating that this might very well be one area you feel the intimacy between you two is lacking.
That's a great attitude. You want to help him. Perhaps he would like to help you with some of your bills too. I'm with Saffie, what's mine is mine, and what's his is ours.
