Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[Dash]

Hi T2L and Faith,

Thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, as silly as it may sound and as mean and heartless as she acted the other night, I still want to save my marriage. But I have to wonder if I really can.

I still love that sweet, wonderful lady I fell in love with back then. And I know she's still in there somewhere. As for what she thinks when her head hits the pillow at night, you're right, I have no idea what that is, but I also wonder if there's anything at all.

I also know she's going through a bit of withdrawal from her EA, because she doesn't have a compute or internet access right now.

I get confused about the 180's and what exactly it is that I'm supposed to do. On one hand, I'm not supposed to be her friend because she's involved with someone else, but then again, he offers her conversation and he listens to her. How can I do those things and remain dark like SAA says to do? How can I show her love without chasing? Where is that fine line? I have gotten the book by the way. I read the entire thing twice already trying to absorb it. I think I need someone to teach me patience.

In the beginning of our breakup she called me every day and we talked, really talked for hours. Since I've gone "dark", it seems I've pushed her farther away. But how do I turn that around? Do I keep staying "dark"? I just don't know which way to go.

I think I might have used up any feelings she had left for me. I worry about that and I have been in a funk since getting home early Sunday morning.

To GAL should be easy, but I am having trouble getting motivated to do anything at all. Even simple everyday things seem to take so much effort. I haven't even eaten since Saturday afternoon.

I think I feel worse now than I did when this whole thing started. Why does love have to hurt? Why can't she remember all the good things instead of every little bad thing?

Maybe it is really over for her. The way she acted the other night I can't imagine her having a change of heart. I never imagined her treating me the way she has since all of this started. Saturday was the worst she's treated me throughout this entire process as far as being cold and distant and downright mean.

I don't know what to do.

[kat727]

It sounds as if you are suffering from depression which it totally understandable. You could talk with your GP and see if he/she could prescibe you something to help. Individual counseling can also help a great deal.

Right now, even though your heart wants to focus on your wife, you need to be focusing on yourself and how to get yourself in shape(emotionally, mentally and physically) to deal with the challenge you face.

Once you are in a better frame of mind you will be able to access the situation better and make better decisions.

kat

[Dash]

Hi Kat,

Thanks for dropping by. I'm sure I don't have to tell you all how much your support means to me right now. Especially since I'm so far from my own home and I really don't have many friends here.

I am going to IC, but I think you may be right about the meds. She even suggested the other day during our session that I might need to take some just to help me get through this.

I keep trying to remember that she's in a fog, and that a lot of what she says isn't what she means. Maybe it's their way of unburdening themselves of guilt, I don't know.

I think I'll call my therapist and see if she can see me this week and get those meds, I just hate to do it because in a lot of ways it makes me feel weak to have to resort to such measures.

Thanks again for the kind words.

[faithrunner]

Hey Dash, I had the same questions you do about how to maintain my relationship with H while DB'ing. Luckily, Sandi responded to my first thread with this list that was very helpful. I hope it will help answer some of your questions.


Here's the list:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse.
35. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

I will check on you tomorrow. In the meantime, post to others and read other threads. The more you post, the larger the support group you will build up.

Take care of yourself. Look good at all times and be the best "you" that you can be.

Sandi

[kat727]

She said that so much better than I ever could. Thanks for letting me know I am helping. It helps to reach out to others, even though you may not feel up to it. For some reason, we can see everyone elses situation so much clearer than our own.

Hugs.
kat

[Trying2live]

Hey dash,
I understand about the med's thing. For me I couldn't as in my younger years(teens) I had drug issues so I went the natural route. There are many ways if you are uncomfortable with the med's route. 1st thing is GAL, like taking those music lessons is really really going to help. Get out to the gym. Endorphin's will help create a better feeling for you as well. Do these things 1st. Your going to need to feel better to be able to do whats necessary.

I like alot of what faithrunner posted. Good stuff.

As far as SAA Plan A. You need to be in a good mental state to do this. It is not easy and that is why I say GAL 1st. When you feel mentally ready and at a stronger place then you implement it if you choose to. Plan A for men can last about 6 months. You do not go dark until Plan A is finished. Going dark is Plan B. Now Plan B will not work if you have not done a strong Plan A but you can't do that until you are in a stronger mental place.

GAL today. Do not wait. Yes it makes no sense and you want to lay in bed and just be sad buy I challenge you to go GAL. Don't wait another minute, pick yourself up, you can do this.

I signed up for salsa lessons 4 weeks after discovery as a GAL. Didn't make sense at the time. I just was so sad and I wanted to be sad but I FORCED myself to go. Guess what it was the most fun I had in a long time-even being married and every week I cherished that 1 hour. You find something fun and GAL immediately. Guitar lessons, dance lessons, wood working class...whatever. Its and investment in yourself and its going to strengthen you I promise. Choose something fun. When you feel better then you can 180 and start a strong Plan A that just may work. But you can't do this until your emotionally on the upswing.

[Dash]

Hey dash,

As far as SAA Plan A. You need to be in a good mental state to do this. It is not easy and that is why I say GAL 1st. When you feel mentally ready and at a stronger place then you implement it if you choose to. Plan A for men can last about 6 months. You do not go dark until Plan A is finished. Going dark is Plan B. Now Plan B will not work if you have not done a strong Plan A but you can't do that until you are in a stronger mental place.

I thought plan A had to be implemented while the spouse was still living with you. She's moved out and moved on. And she doesn't want to give him up which is what I thought the book said had to happen for plan A. Even though she tells me she has "put it on hold" for now until she has a job, etc, I don't believe her, but that's her story. She also has her ex living close by and they text and phone each other constantly. He sent her about a dozen texts the other day and called at least three times. How can I compete with that? I saw one of the texts where he replied "Awww, I wish I could come over and cuddle and snuggle you right now."

According to her the ex doesn't stand a chance, but it seems to be if he doesn't stand a chance then she is just stringing him along and she doesn't see that as wrong. So either she's lying about him not having a chance or she's even more cruel and sadistic that I thought.

Arrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!! It's so freaking frustrating!!!!

I'm not really convinced anything is really going to work at this point. I obviously did not know this woman even though I thought I did. She told me the other night that the person she showed me when we first met was the "real" her. But she said so many other things that contradicted that very notion that I'm still not convinced the person I met was the "real" her. And I'm still to blame for it all.

Why do we think these people are worth all this effort? I wanted out before she left, so why do I care so much now?????

[Trying2live]

Remember so not listen to fog babble and don't talk about the relationship. So I'm gathering you know some information about SAA but you don't actually have the book. IF you do the book must be read all the way through with out skipping.

No I just did a stellar Plan A (7 weeks)while my H is living with the OW. I just started plan B Saturday. So that is incorrect and I feel that it was effective, guess we'll see. But before I did that I GAL'd and got myself in a good place.

[Dash]

Remember so not listen to fog babble and don't talk about the relationship. So I'm gathering you know some information about SAA but you don't actually have the book. IF you do the book must be read all the way through with out skipping.

No I just did a stellar Plan A (7 weeks)while my H is living with the OW. I just started plan B Saturday. So that is incorrect and I feel that it was effective, guess we'll see. But before I did that I GAL'd and got myself in a good place.

I do have the book and have read it. I could have sworn that it said if the spouse moves out to do plan B, I must have missed something. I suppose it's too late now to try plan A since I've already sort of started the plan B part of it. Otherwise, I lose even more credibility in her eyes. I'm not sure I even have any left. I don't think at this point that she even wants to be friends.

Maybe it's too late now, since I skipped a step. I was listening to the advice of other people that said "don't try to be her friend at all as this only helps her get over you".

I can definitely tell she's in a much farther away place about us now than she was when this all first started happening. I don't know that there's a hope at all anymore, but for some reason I just can't give up.

[Trying2live]

Nope don't think its too late. My H had moved out since May 8th. I didn't find SAA until September had almost no contact with him from May 8th to Oct 3rd when I started a strict following everything Plan A that ran through Nov 15th. I had almost 5 months of 80% no contact cuz he was a raging maniac angry fog babbler really bad. So i started after 5 months of 80% no contact. And I wouldn't have done it any other way. And I did it while he's living with OW. Never too late just needs to be done by the book.

yes go back an re-read the book. cant' hurt.