Michelle, My husband walked out in July. Since then, he has been here every day, either in the morning,evening or both, so our children won't know we're separated.(they are ages 3 and 5) He originally got an apt., decided it was too expensive and now spends nights either on my couch or at his sister's house. He insists he eventually wants a divorce.(has every lame reason that I see on all the other posts. I think the main reason is I got totally over involved in being a mother and made him feel unloved and undesired) We are going to counseling, supposedly so we can resolve our issues with each other and maintain a friendly relationship for our kids' sake. My H admitted to me and the therapist that he is depressed. The therapist knows that I don't want the divorce and is gently trying to show my husband that people and situations can change for the better and to not be so negative about life. I think the C sees a chance to save the M but I don't know if my husband is too stubborn and self pitying to ever give in.(he's got an addictive personality - although he is sober now,and as he himself admitted, addicts like to create chaos in their lives.) My question is, do I allow him to see our children every day and be in our lives constantly or am I letting him have his cake and eat it too? If I give him an ultimatum to make a decision to stay or go, (after the holidays) I'm afraid it will force him to save face and completely separate. Once we tell the kids and hurt them like that, I'm afraid there's no going back. Should I hold off because he is going to weekly counseling with me, knowing I ultimately want to work things out? Other than the counseling, I am DBing and I never beg, cry or talk about him coming back. I'm so afraid that my urge to ask him to make up his mind is my impatience and I'll be sorry if I push. On the other hand, some of my friend's tell me he'll go on like this forever, because he has the best of both worlds. Thanks, Joan16
I have read your books and I think that they are wonderful. I have tried to use your techniques. I was wondering if you could help my "Satlemate". I will not sign separation paperwork, which totally angers my H. He says that I am controling his life. I have tried to "go dark" at this stage, however, it is causing us to be at a "Stale-mate". Friday, H and I went to counseling. I found a counselor who is will try to save the marriage. My H trying to convince the counselor to convince me that the divorce is best for both of us. When I first met with the counselor alone, I told him (the counselor) that I did not want to have anything to do with a counsleor who didn't believe in marriage commitment. The counselor told me that he is there for me and that he is a believer in making marriages work. I intend on "going dark" for approximately two weeks (no contact at all). I have to put a limit on this becuase I have to get my husband into counseling. For the next two weeks, my counsleor will be working with me on a list of things that will make me happy and things that I would like my H to do (equivalent, I guess, to your "baby steps".) Can you tell me if you think that I am going about this correctly and what else you think that I can do? H claims to only have a "freindship" with a woman in a foreign country, however, I do not believe that it is only a friendship. Plus he is very stubborn. Please see stich "Mid-life crisis at 28" under "I need Support". Thanks.
James I was wondering if you might pass by my thread linked below and give some insight as to what I am doing wrong or what I can be doing better. I am so confused right now and on the verge of throwing in the towel with the STBX.
As one who has made it to where I would LOVE to be I would value your input.
