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#81109 10/01/01 03:06 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Dear Username,
Don't worry about letting her have it, especially since it was genuine and at the same time, a good 180. Now it will be interesting to see how she responds. Has she responded yet? How are you doing?
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#81110 10/01/01 03:11 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Crisch,
First of all, have you read the book? I know you read DB, but have you read The Divorce Remedy.

To answer your questions, you need to be more specific about the things he's asking you to do, what you've done recently, and how things have worked. Then it will be easier to see what might be considered a "do something different." Remember, respond in action-oriented terms.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81111 10/01/01 03:18 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Pas,
I never tell people that they're doing the right thing by getting a divorce. I also wonder whether your wife twisted what she heard from the counselor to suit her own needs. Who knows?

Also, I would definitely confront your wife about the situation. Tell her if she's going to see OM, that's one thing, but since you're married, it gives a terrible message to your d. She how she responds.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81112 10/01/01 03:24 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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navywife,
I think you're absolutely right about acting as if. Right now he's really into blaming you and nothing you can say or do will make a big difference. Hopefully, time will clear his thinking and if you aren't rude or antagonistic, he might be open to reconnecting with you in some way.

I know this must be devastating to you, but you can at least tell yourself that you are wise enough and have good enough values and morals to have fought for your marriage. Continue to take the high road. Make your life as rich as possible. Who knows what the future brings? Rebuild your strength and sense of self. And remember, despite your sadness, this is his loss.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81113 10/01/01 03:29 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Jen,
You're right when you say a few weeks is too short to notice a difference. You are going to have to wait whether you want to or not! You are going to have to be patient. Read the part about the importance of patience again and again.

Also, I find it interesting that you don't "badger" him on the phone but find it harder in person. Since I know you can control yourself over the phone, I know you can control yourself in person. You have to if you want to show him that you've changed. And you do. Try not being there when he comes over. Try being upbeat. Be mysterious. Re-read the LRT. Then follow it exactly. Don't give yourself an out. Just do it. And wait and see what happens.

No one ever said this is going to be easy. It isn't. As I wrote before, it will be the hardest thing you've ever done. Just wait and see what happens. Hang in there.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81114 10/01/01 03:31 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Jtolic,
It's been a few days since I've been on the board and I'm just wondering what you decided to do about asking him to come over to help with the baby. And congratulations! What good news. Enjoy your baby.

Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81115 10/01/01 03:35 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Kcee,
I'm worried that your wife will feel ganged up on. Perhaps she already does. Even if your questions are valid, if they annoy her, she'll lose interest in therapy and that won't be good right now. So here's an alternative.

Your therapist can assure her that s/he understands that you migh tnot be a real romantic kind of guy, but if a miracle happened overnight, and somehow you turned into that guy, what would the two of you be doing that you don't do now that would really light her fire?



The Divorce Buster
#81116 10/01/01 12:40 PM
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Hi Michelle and everyone:
Thank you as always for your reply and support, not just to me but for everyone who is writing in. It means so much to all of us.
In answer to your statement, My head knows I have to distance right now if there is any hope for our relationship to progress. Unfortunately, my heart is scared to death that he won't miss me and reach out and "find me". The heart tends to rule over the head,many times in my case, when it should be just the opposite. My judgment gets clouded and I wanted your professional support that I was doing the best thing at this time. I don't trust myself totally yet to make the wisest decisions in regards to this. Its funny how I make major decisions all day long professionally as a nurse, but when it comes to this, I am such an amateur! Thank you for the support!
By the way, I'm looking forward to hearing about the Illanya program. Good luck with that-it is so great of you to do it.

#81117 10/01/01 07:31 PM
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Michelle,

My last post was probably a little vague. What you are suggesting is what I think the therapist is going to be asking W. Today is our therapy day, and I am preparing to be on my very best behavior (neutral body language etc). I'll let you know how W responds. If she is evasive, I'll just let the therapist deal with it.

Just venting here...it's so very strange to have my W show such trust in me as a father (she does treat me as a full partner in this regard...it is the only interaction I have with her that feels as though she doesn't have a wall up around her), but treat me as a highly respected but not particularly favored or well liked member of the family in our one on one relationship. Very weird.


#81118 10/01/01 11:05 PM
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Michele,

Thanks for the adv. The problem with confronting W about OM is that she'll just deny it. I already hinted that I knew and she just commented that he's a really nice guy that loves kids. At this point she doesn't care what I think. The OM is very successful and so is she. He’s going to have to mess up big time for her to change her mind.

How can I find a SBT C in my area? I doubt I’ll ever get the chance to go with my W. But just in case a miracle occurs.


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