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#81089 09/22/01 10:35 PM
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Michele Offline OP
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SBT
To be honest, I don't know the original source of stat. However, it's been around for a long time. Sorry.

And to your second question...it seems as if you're looking for reassurances that, in the end, there's something worth fighting for. There are no reassurances. Plus, if I told you that 99% of marriages end, would you place yourself in that group and give up, or would you think you could be in the 1% that makes it? If it were me and I wanted my marriage to last, I think it would be the latter. At least, it would for as long as I had energy to fight.

Just a thought..
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81090 09/22/01 10:37 PM
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Michele Offline OP
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Canadian,
Sorry, in the move, a few things got lost. I apologize, couldn't be helped.
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#81091 09/22/01 10:42 PM
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Not at all what I was thinking of in the second question, but thanks for your insight.

SBT


#81092 09/22/01 11:51 PM
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Michele,

Hard weekend. She came and got all of her stuff and moved it into her duplex. Harder then I expected for me. Did not take a lot but certainly feels empty. Took 1 item to her last night knowing OM was there because I wanted to see him. He walked in with her, I handed her a jewlry chest I got her before and stuck out my hand and introduced myself. Said Hi I am Tracy you must be David. He said no and walked out. It was him, I can plates with some friends. Today she is nice as I picked up my medications from. Helped carry in some new items. She asked if I would put them together. I told her I had plans as I did, I needed to study. Feels like she wants her cake and eat it to. She says OM is just a good friend. One that she spends weekends with, called for months, and did not tell me about.

Ok what do I do here. It is killing me. I do not want to get used or be foolish. She is genuine but is it a game to play me? Suggestions would be helpful.

Tracy



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#81093 09/23/01 02:42 AM
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Hi Everyone:
Thanks Michelle for the input written earlier today.
Here is latest update. Ex did send reply. Briefly mentioned one of our sons he heard from 6 days ago. Stated he tried to call me ,but did not want to leave voicemail or email!!
Now on to latest about him and OW. It seems they have been going to counseling for quite awhile-separately for sure, but I'm not sure if they attend jointly. According to ex, OW is jealous of me, and feels very insecure and feels like he is "cheating" on her, if he associates with me, or at least that is what the counselor tells him. That is the reason he doesn't want her knowing about talking to me or having any lunch with me, because it causes turmoil at the home front. He said he is becoming tired of it, but right now is "dealing with it." Also, seems their sex life is not at all going well. OW has old history of breast cancer from which she is recovered, but side effects from the medication have severely diminished her sex drive! Of course he told me to please not repeat any of this on other forum!! That was the highlights of the note he emailed me. The last sentence being that he really wants to remain friends despite "this bump in the road". Also commented earlier in note that during our 29 yr marriage, he considered us good friends, partners, lovers, and so much more.
I am really at a crossroads here. I don't know if I want to continue with a "friendship". I sent my ex an email thanking him for responding to my email, but that I need some time to think about whether it is possible to continue a friendship, especially if it is causing OW so much turmoil. I am not comfortable with this situation. Again, I will wait for response.
I do keep busy and am not just sitting around waiting to hear from him, although sometimes it sounds like it.Thanks for the concern.
As usual, any advice will be appreciated. My goal right now is to distance myself from this situation for awhile.

#81094 09/23/01 05:59 AM
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Michele,
"Getting Through to the Man You Love" is my favorite of all your books.(I read it when it was "A Woman's Guide..." I don't think it gets enough publicity! I think it's the best book around for explaining the differences in Men/women thinking and communication skills. I think you ought to do a forum on this book sometime.

rayanne


#81095 09/23/01 01:19 PM
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I think you may have misread that. The stuff with the > behind it was me asking her if she wanted to be on my insurance that I have to sign up for. I asked it that way mostly to see how she replied. It's all pretty much a moot point right now anyway. She emailed me today saying that she basically doesn't think it will work and that "her relationship with me is holding her back from becoming all that she needs to become" or somesuch crap . I'm not going to bother cut and pasting that one because it's all the usual stuff you've heard 1239870234096 times before. She says how I was such a wonderful guy and always made her feel special, yet somehow we bring out the worst in each other. She says how she cares for me and doesn't want me to be hurt but then goes and hurts me. I don't get it.
And my response was very un-DB, because right now I don't care. If this is the "real her" like she says in her email, then I don't want any part of it. Actually, in some ways maybe it's not such a bad response. For one thing "letting her have it" is a big 180. And it can't hurt to hit her with a big dose of reality that might possibly knock her out of the fantasy world she's been living in. And I did tell her that I highly doubt we could be friends after the way she's hurt me. That was one thing she was always afraid of that if she ever left me she would also lose her best friend. Now she has. In reality I probably did more harm than good and I'm probably just justifying my negative behavior the same way that she has been and I've been pissed at her for doing so. But maybe not. Now the only thing left for me to do is go completely dark. 100% dark. Dark to the point where she's going to wonder if I killed myself in despair (now that would be interesting to see....) And if nothing changes, oh well. It's her loss. After all, in her own words "I always thought you were a cool, funny guy. You have a good sense of humor, good taste in music, you're *very* creative, and very sensitive. You're
also a very devoted boyfriend/fiance/husband. You always made me feel special. You made me feel more special than Chris, James, or Sean ever did. The guys I dated before you all ended up being pretty jerky, or unappreciative of me. You were very devoted, and I appreciate that very much." (Why would anyone give up someone that you can describe in that way? I just don't get it )
Now I should probably get to sleep. I need to wake up in a few hours because I'm going out all day tomorrow, but I can't seem to get to sleep. Gee, I wonder why. Not like she cares....

Anybody in the market for a slighty used, bitter, depressed 25-year old soon-to-be-divorcee?


#81096 09/24/01 04:34 AM
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Michele:

I think the Q&A is a great idea! I'm one that needs specific examples in order to get something out of a high level statement, so I'm very interested in what goes on in this board.

Like another, my H has accused me of being cold and hard and having an edge that is not soft and nurturing to him. The problem is, I have been told that I am one of the nicest, caring people around by many others. I have total strangers spilling their guts to me after just a few days of knowing me. I do not know how to be any softer.

Currently, I am doing a LRT. H has stated that he is definitely NOT interested in me, our relationship, or saving anything remotely connected to our marriage. He does, however, want us to be best friends. I am to tell him all of my comings and goings, allow him over in my home whenever and for all holidays, give him free access to our S at any time. He, on the other hand, will talk about his work only, not invite me to any events that he has planned, and basically contribute to "friendship" in only a superficial way. This is how he is with all his friends (of which there are two).

I do not know how to reconcile my LRT of going dark and being unavailable with his need to have me around as a type of social crutch.

I'm open to any ideas. I have been supportive and loving and friendly for the last 2 years. During that time, he moved us to a different state for his work, moved out, had an A, and I don't know what else. His rejecting me has been on all levels: I'm unattractive, I'm not for him, I'm hard, I use an annoying voice when telling stories, I just don't measure up.

We are miles from where we started. He actually talks to me now, where in the past he wouldn't give me the time of day. But in exchange, my own self-esteem has dropped so low that I am on the verge of dispair.

How do I save myself AND be soft and comforting without being an emotional doormat?

Any help is appreicated.


#81097 09/23/01 07:23 PM
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Michele,

I’m not sure what her goal is. She went that night because she was so mad I was able to convince her we needed a Ref so that we could communicate. She is very tactful and may be planning to move our C’s to another house that she has purchased. In the mean time she remains nice to me to throw me off. Either that or she’s seriously conflicted. Yesterday she changed the sheets in my bed. Today she made it for me. I feel like a yo-yo.

Please warn your readers. When you look for a C make sure to ask if they’ve ever been D. I can’t believe this guy told her she was doing the right thing after just one session. Do you ever do that to win over someone’s confidence? Kind of like telling them what they want to hear. She did leave there saying she liked him. I think I did score one point. I asked if our situation was hopeless. He responded, “Not if you both wanted to work on it”.

No, I didn’t ask.


#81098 09/24/01 02:40 AM
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Michele,
Your book is in Barnes & Noble where I work and I read it as soon as it got there. I realize now that there really isn't anything that I can do in my situation. I am D and have been for 6 months. Bomb May 00 D March 01. OW was EA from the internet. Major issues with S for about 5 years, job problems, separations due to Navy service and kids in high school. Gave NO indication he was unhappy in our marriage. Refused to work on it because he had been for a long time. Gives me the standard love you not in love, grown apart etc... Only contact now is email about money issues. XH is furious about the settlement of the D. Wanted me to settle and it ended up in court. He really lost big time. He is still not employed after retiring from military after 22 years in July, is having physical problems, BIG TIME Classic Text Book MLC and is living with OW who is so controlling that she is even writing his emails for him. She pays all of the bills. Has convinced him what he has done is the right thing and is trying to win over our 18 and 20 YO kids.

Is there anything you can think of to do except act as if and go on with my life? I still love this guy but I have no respect for the person he has become. He has little to no self respect and justifies that his life is crap because of me. Not because of his actions. Of course he is throughly happy with OW just can't do what he wants to do because of me. Has little contact with family even his kids. No reason to call except S is home and he emails so he doesn't take the chance of talking to me. Is trying to get kids to accept OW and has brought her to every time he has been with them since the D except 1 and he kept that one short. Now wants them to come to Tampa (where he moved)for Xmas so they can get to know her entire family and that is a problem for me.

I understand the DR principles and have use DBing since January 01 when I found this site and read the book. It just did not help because he had his mind made up that he wanted out to pursue this new relationship. I was his only partner and we met at 15 and married at 17 when he went into the Navy. He really is the total oposite of the person I married.

Carol


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