Hi again everyone. I just wanted to thank you all for all your support. I'm not really able to get online during the day and tongiht when I saw all the responses, I was so overwhelmed. I really feel great having such unconditional support!
Everyone tells me to find new things for myself, my kids, etc... go out, date, etc.. They say things like that will make me feel better. And honestly, I really have! You would not believe what I have done to turn my life around. My life is totally different now. When I got D'd 5 years ago, I took up cycling. I was really into it-- did a city race almost every two months for the first year, then "slacked" off the 2nd year because I also took up Tae Kwon Do. Now, 4 years later, I am about to get my Black Belt next month. Both my son and my daughter also take TKD and my son will be getting his Black Belt next Spring. Daughter still has a way to go cuz she was not old enough to start at the time Son and I started. And, son also cycles with me too on occasion when he has time. And believe me he will pass me up soon, i tell you! We've done a few races together too and he has done some kid races. Everyone in our TKD studio knows our family so well and in fact, that is where my new family of friends are from. They are my closest friends. How's that for "trying something new"? I think I've done good there personally!
And as far as the dating scene.... I've been dating this guy for 3 years which i would categorize as "seriously casual". My kids love hiim and he loves my kids too but he has not once spent the night here when they have been here. He used to live very close by but now he has moved about 50 miles away. He is a wonderful guy and I could see myself with him but he's got his own commitment issues. I have my issues too. One is I hate all the hostilities with the X and just can't seem to fully give my all to the new guy. I think I've done ok here.
And after not working for approx 6 years, I did start working again. That was totally scary- thinking I'd have to start at the bottom again- which I did for awhile, but now I have it worked out where I make my own schedule and still get paid decent money. I can set my own schedule according to when I have to pick up the kids, etc... That took some sweat, but i paid my dues and now I feel comfortable. I've done ok here too.
And when I don't have the kids, I like to be by myself. I will workout like crazy when they are not around, get housework done, get organized, go shop for little necessities for them, and most of all SLEEP!!! I'll also go out with my guy when our schedules allow (We have really different and conflicting work schedules.)
I know that I have issues and I know what i do wrong and I'm trying to love myself still regardless. I also think that I need to accept myself and my situation which most of the time I think I do, but if I'm feeling like this, perhaps I am not?? Who knows???
So, on the outside it looks like I've done ok, but on the inside I'm still in the same place.
But honestly, after tonight, after the yuckiness has come out, I do feel better. I feel relieved.
I went through something similar with my ex and child support. However, here in the state of Ohio, it is ALWAYS handled through the state's dept. of jobs and family services. All payments must be processed through them if there is any court order for such (through a divorce, a filing with single parents, etc.) For about the first 5-6 months post-D, the ex had the payments taken and sent to me no problem. Then he lost his job (I think he deliberately screwed it up), and I saw nothing for quite some time. Then he got a tax refund, which the state sniffed out and lifted from his bank account. (By this time, he was seriously in arrears and the tax return only put a dent into the arrears.) We played games with this for a long time. Here, if you don't pay up, you can lose your driver's license, be put in jail, or worse. I went to the hearings but the ex didn't even put in a word to defend himself (wouldn't show up). But I got the "revenge" thing because his OW would get upset with me because of course, it was a substantial amount of money.
What happened with the screaming just shows he's angry, inconsiderate, confused, and probably pretty messed up. He was hoping you'd be that passive little puppy dog just waiting...it puts him in control of the situation. You needed to be assertive and showed him that.
You are scared because change is sometimes a scary thing. We don't always know where it's going to take us. Just be confident in the knowledge that what happened, your ex probably needed or asked for on some level (even if it's not obvious to you). He needed a good ol' 2X4 upside the head. I too had to get into my ex's face a few times.
My ex was much the same way...argumentative, nasty, a blowhard, general jack@$$ when we divorced. Totally in denial about what was going on. It was all about him. He didn't think he was harming anyone or doing anything wrong. All I can say is you do get through it, around it, under it, or somehow manage to live through it. And it generally gets better.
Can you find a way to NOT have to deal with him? I realize you have young kids but any CS issues now can be deal with through the state. How old are your kids? If they're old enough, can you just let them walk to your car when you pick them up or let them walk to the ex's door without you have to go in? Can you have someone else pick up/deliver them? Anything to keep away from this nasty butthead? Who cares if he heard anything from the state? It's not your problem how he pays or what happens to him through the state. Your only concern: you get the payments.
You did good by standing up to him. The kids WILL live through it, they will survive, and they know their mom loves them.
As for the tae kwon do....I just saw it after submitting this msg...that's cool!!! Yes, that is doing something different! Enjoy it. My youngest did tae kwon do when she was elementary school and junior high. It really helped with her self esteem and confidence as well as was a really good thing for her athletic training, believe it or not--she played basketball.
As for you...congrats on doing so much to improve your life. You really went out and GAL!
It sounds like you have done so much to make things better, it's unfair that you should still hurt inside, though I can relate.
I finally made the decision to try to get on AD's. If anything maybe it will clear my head a bit so that I can figure some other change out.
The other thing is that it seems your ex is still being a jerk and based on that I assume he has made no apologies for the pain he has caused, nor taken responsibility for the joy he has stolen from you. I think that it's so much easier to feel good inside and move forward when the other person is repentant or when something in life happens to show you that this all happened for a good reason, for some larger good.
Maybe try asking God to reveal to you why this all had to happen. I've done this and had moments of clarity (albeit fleeting)
Wow, this is the time when we really miss the old timers. Honey, I will spare you my story but I have been around long enough to tell you that 5 years after a long time marriage is not enough for most people. It's nice for the people who have found new relationships early on in the healing process. For many of us this is not the best way to heal. Be kind to yourself every single day. You are not a horrible person. Something I heard most recently that helped with detachment was do not attach belief about your self to a life event. Wonder
