I totally agree... I think talking to a physician about these feelings is a good idea.... Going through a D is VERY hard.... I have heard some people tell me the BEST thing they did for themselves was get on an AD..... One person I knew said she could have avoided years of anguish....
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I agree in part, RMG. I am embracing a "new" future, but I'm not even beginning to add the idea of a new man in the picture, not yet.
Donna,
What I am really suggesting is letting go of the past.... What could have been...... Begin to embrace happiness without ex..... Begin to replace old dreams with new ones..... I have been working hard on replacing old dreams with new ones....
We all need to keep reminding ourselves we ALONE are responsible for our happiness..... No other person can give it or take it away...
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
So many good suggestions here that I won't elaborate on too many others. Some helpful tips I used were to get a life and financial coach...they kicked me in the butt big time when I could not see things for myself that I was repeatedly doing to keep myself stuck. Another one is to sometimes just ACCEPT the fact you are sad and let it be "with" you. When you feel that and accept it, just do things to comfort you: light scented candles, open an expensive bottle of wine, take a bubble bath, take a drive or a hike out in the country, learn to meditate...whatever it it takes to soothe that part of you that is aching and crying for some love and affection.
Our thoughts very often keep us stuck in one place. Can you change your thinking perhaps somehow? What we do focus on does expand...
You are an amazing woman! Do not think for one second that you were the cause of your divorce. A real man would appreciate the love and focus that you were providing to his children.
My bet is that you were a very loving and attentive wife, you are just searching for reasons as to why your marriage ended. Do not do it! It is unfortunate that some of us who were truly committed to our families just happened to marry people that did not share our core values. It is very common today.
One person finds joy in raising a family and watching his children flourish, the other is completely self absorbed. You will never understand or relate to the Walk Away Spouse, so do not waste your time. But... we all do it.
Personally, I believe you should have recovered after 5 years. My recommendation is for you to get a new counselor who can help you move on with your life. You are hoping to change the past which is impossible. It is time for you to look to the future.
Get a new counselor and start doing some things for yourself. You get an "A" for being a mom, I am sure that you can figure out how to get an "A" as a single woman who is committed to starting a new life. Do it for your kids! Make them proud of you!
You are an amazing woman! Do not think for one second that you were the cause of your divorce. A real man would appreciate the love and focus that you were providing to his children.
My bet is that you were a very loving and attentive wife, you are just searching for reasons as to why your marriage ended. Do not do it! It is unfortunate that some of us who were truly committed to our families just happened to marry people that did not share our core values. It is very common today.
One person finds joy in raising a family and watching his children flourish, the other is completely self absorbed. You will never understand or relate to the Walk Away Spouse, so do not waste your time. But... we all do it.
Personally, I believe you should have recovered after 5 years. My recommendation is for you to get a new counselor who can help you move on with your life. You are hoping to change the past which is impossible. It is time for you to look to the future.
Get a new counselor and start doing some things for yourself. You get an "A" for being a mom, I am sure that you can figure out how to get an "A" as a single woman who is committed to starting a new life. Do it for your kids! Make them proud of you!
You can do it!!!
Fish
Fish, with all due respect, you have been on this board less than 2 months, how in the hell could you say that someone should be recovered in 5 years? I know people who have been divorced 20 years and STILL haven't recovered, and probably never will! I know another man who has been separated for over 5 years and is still stuck in limbo, not ready to move on, and probably never will. Different things effect everyone differently. There is no timetable to when someone should get over something. I do agree with what you said about changing the past, it can't be done, but that is also easier said than done. My advice to you is to take one day at a time, set several short range goals, get out to where you can meet some people, doesn't necessarily have to be a date, but I think that would do more for your self-esteem and confidence than anything. Take up a new hobby, try something new and interesting. Broaden you horizons, even if you don't feel like it. Remember this, when you try new things, you open new doors, maybe one of these new doors is the one you need to go through to pull yourself out of this! What do you have to lose???
Last year when I was trying to save my marriage I was a regular on this board. I just started posting again as I enter the next phase of getting on with my life.
Based upon conversations with my therapist, with counseling, most people are fully recovered from divorce 1 - 2 years after the divorce is final. 5 years is a long time to suffer, a new counselor may be able to help expedite the process.
My post had nothing to do with finding a significant other. In my view, getting on with your life is finding "peace of mind" and pursuing a life that you truly enjoy.
For me, it is spending time with my daughter, building a social network, focusing on my career and pursuing athletic activities that I enjoy. I had a relationship with someone for 4+ months, unfortunately, she was on 10 and I was on 6. Long term, things may work out for us as a couple, but right now, I am not ready for a deep exclusive relationship. But I must admit... I really miss her cooking, her sense of humor and sleeping next to each other. Oh boy... I'm about to pick up the phone!
Good luck everyone! Let's all get on with our lives. Life is short.
There is no tometable for when the pain ends.But the pain should have eased by now.I have been at this five years myself.When the bomb first hit I was crushed beyond reason.I was so broken.
By the time I found the board I was so G-damn angry.I lashed out.Maybe I could have saved my marriage if I had found the board before I started lashing out.Who know.But by then my ex's affair was in full bloom and the damage I did with my anger sealed the coffin.Ex left me and our children.We have not seem him in almost five years.
At first it was hard.I couldn't funtion.I had never been on my own.I was scared.But I had to do it.I have five children.At the time four of them were teenagers.I have three sons and two daughters.My children were hurting.I was hurting.My children were so angry they took it out on the one person who was there.Me.At first I was reactive.If they acted out I yelled.They acted out more.I yelled more.......... On and on that went for a long time.
I finally had a friend pull me aside and tell me the truth.She told me I did not have that right.I didn't have the right to yell at them.They were hurting and I was hurting them back.My yelling at them put wounds on them that took a long time to heal.That was not fair of me.
But finally I stopped the yelling.It wasn't easy.It had become a habit to yell all the time.But when I did my children started to behave better.I now have a wonderful relationship with my children.They are all adults now except for one.
For a while I distracted myself to avoid the pain.I'm a poolplayer and I was going out three four nights a week.But that didn't work.The pain was still there.It wasn't until I learned to love myself that the pain started to heal.I learned to love the person I am by spending time with myself.
I have a large family and friends.When I needed to take some time to think I would call one of them to come and get my kids for the night.Sometimes for a weekend.
I would go get myself a nice dinner.I would read,I took long walks.I learned to be still with myself so that I could learn who I was.
Do you have a support system so that you can take a break?
I agree that maybe you are depressed.I could be wrong.But being a mother is hard work when you have a partner.It's even harder when you have to be both mother and father.Maybe you need to talk to your Dr. Or find a new IC.
But I will tell you that it will get better.But you have to learn to love yourself.
I hope you come back and let us know how you are doing.
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Today was the icing on the cake. what i mean by that is that it just couldn't get any worse.
I think I now know why I'm in this rut again. I am scared. A few weeks ago, I went to the Dept of Child Support Services and filed a case against the ex. He has not paid CS for 2 months and for the past 6+ months, he's only paying about 2/3. I was letting him slide understanding the economic situation of the country when he did not pay in full, but then all of a sudden he stopped paying without any type of explanation. The kind side of me felt sorry for him- honestly I did feel bad and another honest feeling I had was that I was scared to do anything about it. Then another month goes by and same thing- zero. Now I'm feeling like a pushover and still scared. Then I started thinking clearly and realized how stupid I am to let him get away with that. Of course, I tell no one about this. For 2 months, I just sat and waited like a sad little puppy dog. Too scared to ask him for it and too scared to do anything but thank goodness I still kept in touch with this one great gal in my previous divorce therapy group and she told me all about the free services. So I mustered up the courage to go and file a case against him and now until the kids turn 18, the Dept of CS Services will be the ones who collect from him and in return make payments to me. It was a real scary thing to do let me tell you. I didn't tell a sole what was going on until after i did it when i just felt this overwhelming relief that I can not explain. Then I was able to tell a close friend of mine who i sometimes confide in regarding all the drama with X. And she gave me this look like, "Duh! of course he has to pay! He can't just NOT pay! That's why they have laws like they do! Don't feel bad!" And after that I knew what I did was right--though I do question it because I know all hell will break loose which it did tonight.
That's what I mean by the icing on the cake. Tongiht I went to pick up the kids from him and he came storming out the door. Basically we shouted at each other a good 5-7 minutes, of course it's infront of the kids. He obviously had no qualms coming out to confront me. And his parents are there too. We even got to a point where some neighbors started shouting at us out the window. Anyway, so it was just awful. I really should've kept my mouth shut but my goodness it felt good to get it out and scream at him. Everytime since the D, there has only been a few times where I've screamed at him, because I don't want the kids to see us like that. We were just totally in each other's faces and I just didn't want to back down. It was awful for the kids, I tell you, and afterwards we talked about it. My son asked me how come i just didn't ignore him and walk away. I said, you know son, that was something that I could've done. Maybe it would've been better if I did that because it's not good for you and your sister to see it. But a lot of times your father always thinks that he's so strong and powerful because he yells and says all these bad things about me to you guys when I'm not there. Well, I just want you guys to know that i am not afraid of him. Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. And then the kids both told me that sometimes they're afraid of him too. I said, I know and it's ok. One day, I think you guys will be able to say something back to him if you really feel it's important. Just like today, I felt it was important that he could not just think that he can come and yell and scream at me like that...
So anyway, it was just awful. Just plain awful. So the cat is out of the bag. I had been wondering if he had heard anything- obviously he did.
But I still do question myself--- I don't know if I did the right thing? Did I do the right thing? Why am I so scared?
And now, it's going to get even uglier because once the spark is lit, the whole thing goes up in flame. This is what i'm afraid of.
I think this is why i started posting again. I've been quiet and scared for too long. Atleast now i'm vocal and scared. Maybe I'm making progress? Maybe I've found an out in one of the endless circles I keep going in....
