If you all can believe it or not, it's been more 5 years since the D and 5 years since I've posted here. During the D, this was the only thing that kept me going- support from people going through the same thing, etc... Then, little by little, I weaned myself off of the DB community and as they say, 'got a life'. So yes, I got a life, new friends, new job, new hobbies, new school for the kids--got a life where "nobody knows your name", and the past 5 years things are good and things are bad. And when things are good, they aren't even really as good as i'd like it to be, but when things are bad, they are just so darn awful bad. It's like going through the D right from the beginning to the end again. I can't stand it. When does it get better and why after so many years isn't it better???!!! Sometimes I feel just as alone as I did when it all first started. What I hate most is the frustrations of raising 2 kids alone and by myself. I hate yelling at my kids because I love them so much and they really are great kids. But I am just so tired and so frustrated. Sometimes it seems like they make so little progress and everything you do is useless and pointless. No one would understand the feelings you are going through except parent #2 who of course is non existant so some help that is! I just feel so alone and all by myself.
I ask again, after 5 years, why isnt it any better? What am I doing wrong? I am so tired of yelling. I just feel so old and worn out.
sorry briget, i was trying to not "dwell" on the past. all those age, # years, "statistics"... it shouldn't matter now, should it? my life should be "moved on"- that's what i think at least, but maybe i'm wrong, but yes, i am the ex wife. S is 9, D is 7. ex H just said he didn't want to be married, doesn't love me anymore, started having an affair, etc.. took almost 2 years for me to finally accept that he wanted a D and so finally did it, but now, it's been 5 years and sometimes i feel as unhappy now as I did back then. i just thought that things would be better for me by now but I'm still depressed, still hate life, still hate being single, hate raising the kids alone. I guess this means i haven't really accepted things. how much more time needs to pass? i just want to be at peace with myself.
all my life i've felt alone and i hated it. it was only when i was married that i felt like anyone really loved me. now, i'm just alone again and i guess i hate it. yes, i hate it but i think i'm trying to accept it and it's very painful. so very painful...
Sorry to hear what's going on. It sounds to me like IC may help you, you have some stuff going on when you appear to be dwelling on the past, what might of been rather than really moving on.
Your last paragraph there says a lot, like you are a codependant person, so maybe it's tougher to move on if that is your nature.
Also, we all yell at our kids sometimes, but I'm concerned with the way you describe your yelling at them. It reads like you are doing it for no reason at times and that is not fair on them. They will be confused. (apologies if that's wrong, that's how it reads to me).
Hey, I may feel the same as you in 5 years, I really have no idea but it seems to me you need to go to IC first and get some help there.
GL Take Care and love those kids double if your on your own. They need you big time.
I empathize and can relate to wondering when it is over. I still hurt and I was separated in 2001 and divorced in 2005. Remarried in 2007 and still find the memories of my D painful.... however... I have largely moved on and the pain is less and less as years go by.
So I do know the malingering pain.
For me, I had to find something outside of myself and my circumstances to plug into and focus my energies on. Maybe you could benefit from something outside of your home life.
Was there drugs or alcohol involved in your D? If so, how about joining Alanon Family Groups or NarAnon? As one of the other replies mentions, you may have characteristics of co-dependency. Alanon and NarAnon are support groups of people with addicts and alcoholics in their lives or past. Most people in these groups have recovered from co-dependent behaviour and thinking.
There are tons of 12-step programs out there for many types of circumstances. Even over-eaters anonymous is tremendously helpful for those who are inclined that way so perhaps check local directories for anything that may be relevant in support groups. Live support groups with real people who can support you face to face. This online dialogue is limited in my experience. I find one-to-one more effective.
Isolating is never good for any of us who are prone to depression. I used to do it all the time when I was in the thick of my depression. Even now, I seek to be alone many times when I am depressed. Or seek to hide in videos or TV or sleep. These are all temptations that I actively avoid wherever possible when I feel depressed.
So my suggestion would be to look outward. Get personally involved with others. Healthy people on the same journey.
If you are prone to Church at all, there is a group called Divorce Care that is a support group for divorced people in most communities in North America.
If you are chronically alone, it may be wise to ask some rigorously honest questions about what choices you make and behaviours you engage in that keep you alone. Changes in your life cannot happen without you doing most of the work. Lots of people will support and guide you but you have to do the doing!
Another reply suggested considering outside couneling. Great idea as well.
In the mean time, we are here for you. It will not likely be enough, but we will do what we can. There is lots of help out there. Only you can take the steps to seek it out.
Will believe the best for you and check back on this thread.
So many of us here really believed in the sanctity of our marriage..... Only to learn our spouse found our M disposable....
I am so very sorry this happened to you.... I would not wish this pain on my very worst enemy.... I know the intense pain all too well myself.....
I, like Chaz, am remarried to a wonderful woman I love with all of me..... Yet, the pain is still there.... I deal with it and move along..... I do not ever think it will go away completely for me.... But, with time, it is not so intense....
I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you.... What I have found is you need to keep putting one foot in front of other.... and believe it will get better.......
As Chaz wrote, we will always be here to listen....
You and your family will be in my prayers....
Take Care,
RMG
Last edited by RMG; 10/14/0807:17 PM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I think that the pain you are feeling is not truly letting go of the past. I am sure you have heard the old saying "time heals all wounds" IMO what that means is with the approprate amount of time, we let go of the past. I don't think you have yet. I am not putting you down by saying this, everyone needs different time tables to handle things. I hope that you can get past this soon for your own happiness. If I can help, just yell!
Thanks everyone! All your words have been helpful. Each one of you seems to have hit it all in bits and pieces.
I don't think I have really let go, no matter how many new friends, activities, "new" anything, etc... They're just all distractions, but I'm still holding on to an idealistic dream.
I had been in counseling for almost 5 years...during the 2 plus years the D was going on and for 2 plus years afterwards. I stopped because I thought i was getting myself together with all my "new" distractions. But now, almost 3 years later, I'm still as angry and still hate life as much as I did during the whole damm divorce. I am so resentful of him. I blame him all the time for my unhappiness. I didn't realize how much it has eaten me up but I am just a horrible person on the inside. I can't stand it. I just want to get past all this. I really, really do! I know that I am divorced and on the worst terms with the ex. I know that the kids will always wish "mommy" and "daddy" will get back together. And I know that I have to continue to tell them that we won't. I know that I will not have the original family I always wanted for my kids. I know that I will never be able to share all the joys of my kids with the only other person who would get as much joy in it as I. That's a very sad part for me. I remember being very young and always wanting to share my childhood joys but never had parents around to share them with (too busy working). As I got older and looked towards marriage and family, I was so ready to share everything with ex-H and I did, and I was so happy then. But my part in the failure of the M was that I focused too much on the kids and the idea of family that I lost sight of that I also had a husband. So he drifted and that was the beginning of the end. So now, I have wonderful kids who I love so much, more than anything in the world and they do such wonderful things. I am so proud of S- he is so smart in school and so good in sports, and not half bad looking either (even if he does resemble ex H.). Last year in 3rd grade, all the 6th grade girls had crushes on him! And he has the kindest heart too! D is so beautiful and so sweet. Even though she is younger, she is the most independant and such a help around the house. She will always be my little girl and can sleep with me at night until the cows come home for all I care! I want to share all these great things with someone who gets as much joy as I do out of it, but he is the only one that cares as much as I do. And I can never share with him ever again so here I am alone again. This makes me so sad and so angry. He's taking my joy away and he's made me alone again.
I don't know if this makes any sense... when i go back and read it, I sound very disturbed and just going around in circles. You know, the circle that never ends, the circle that you just go around and around and around in. The circle that drives you crazy and never lets you heal...
I'm definitely in the circle. I thought I was out of it, but I'm still in it. Still in it...
It sounds like you have some great kids. You are truly blessed...
Your post really helped me to see some things where I am right now..... It seems you and I are focusing on the past and the future that could have been.....
In my humble opinion, I think you need to think about the "new" future.... Instead of thinking about you not having the "original family" you dreamed of having.... Think about what you want your "new family" to be like..... What it will be like to be with a man who loves you and your children.... What things you will do together.... All of the fun vacations you will take... I believe a bright future is ahead of you.... If you really embrace it... I know this is much easier said than done....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I agree in part, RMG. I am embracing a "new" future, but I'm not even beginning to add the idea of a new man in the picture, not yet.
The kids and I are the unit, now, and are getting quite used to it. It helps that they visit their father rather than live part-time with him (I know that goes against a lot of people here, but I feel it is what is best for our family). They only have 4 overnights a month there.
I won't pretend that there aren't pangs, but I focus on what we are doing, the fun we have planned. It is so hard to plan a new life, but we are doing it together. I get the kids involved in what we are doing, too. And some traditions they are keeping with their dad.
You did sound so very down in your post, though....I know that you were seeing a IC a few years ago. Could these feelings be contributed to something else going on in your life, a kind of projection of discontent with other aspects? Have you spoken to someone about the possibilities of medication? That is a long time to feel depressed, and that is what it sounds like....
