M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I've been out and about recently. Doing stuff, talking on the phone, being busy. I try and talk to men (the produce department a preferred area.. 'Is that a kumquat in your hand or are you... never mind..')
Today I'll be in NYC seeing a few plays and hanging with my mom and brother. Tomorrow or Friday my mom will be with me til the weekend, then will stay with good friends for a long weekend and be back up here at a hotel with my dad while my brother is with me. My dad is so fragile that he can't go up and down the stairs in my house. It will be very busy for the next ten or so days. My brother is a work horse so we'll be able to get lots of manly stuff done around here.
I try and stay in the present... and succeed pretty well... that is, except when I see my lawyer.
Yesterday I had a meeting with her. I started out good but ended up crying and being upset. While listening to her recommendations my heart schwooms inside.. "But I was married for life!"
Ya know.. it's taking forever to write this.. I keep getting stuck! Arrrrgggghhhhhhhh
*hugs*
I MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Ms. Immmmmmmmmmmmmmmppppppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's odd. I find I get dizzy chasing answers like a dog going after its tail. Half the questions will never be answered. Most of the answers are based on skewed thoughts on both parts. Couples are able to have the give and take of compromise in telling a tale, making a decision.
What it comes down to is that we are all single. Single parents, single individuals with shredded ragtag memories of why our marriage was so great, so miserable, so unjust, so fulfilling. The levels of personal hurt factored in with the various degrees of distraction, wallowing, moving on, running away, going after it, the insult, rejection, betrayal (on both parts) puts us where we are.
Focusing on the past, past hurts, past blame, past guilt keep us from the present. Accepting my part in the erosion of the marriage.. moves me forward.
It's so odd.. fear is such a powerful enemy. I was afraid to rattle the cage, face things.. or at least felt I was. I became so defensive. I'm not in a place where I can do a bird's eye view of the past 26 years and see where the direction curved, stopped, rerouted. We both failed each other. We both wanted our family. We both loved each other. Fear, anger and resentment became stronger than love.
My nature is to be a calming presence. Maybe it's better to feel it all before shutting down.
And I'm working on staying in the present... right now.
*hugs*
PS.. yep yep yep.. I'm feeling myself withdrawing.. wanting to cancel out on going in the City.. seeing plays I'd enjoy, being with my family.. just wanting to isolate like an old humpy turtle.. eerrrggghhhh
Great to see you. I did drive down to a train station I thought would have parking spots for late morning trains, giving myself an extra 20 minutes to find one. Just as I was about to give up (and consider driving to the City), I found one in the most remote area and hoofed it to the train station.
Many times I pick my apparel based on how quickly I have to sprint to the train station after the show, and this one was going to be close. I felt like the worst dressed person in NYC (especially since I arrived at lunch hour where everyone was out in their business clothes). An easy way to spot a tourist is because they wear sneakers. The economy must be drying up because there were not many sneakered folks... leaving me sticking out. Funny, I found the most casually dressed folks in the theatre district.. thank goodness!
You're right. The energy is always pulsing and the weather was gorgeous, something that is invigorating by itself. On the train ride there I connected with an incredible woman who I feel very blessed to meet. What a beautiful soul.
The matinee was very fun, though I was sitting behind a guy with the biggest head stuck on the bulkiest shoulders. I spent a lot of time moving like a pendulum to see the show, but it was still great.
I left the evening performance of "The Tale of Two Cities" after the intermission with great regret to make the train since the show started so late due to technical difficulties. The men had gorgeous resonating voices that melt you like butter. But man, although lots was happening, it felt like it went at such a slow though heavily condensed pace.
Today is picking up, drapes being hung and getting ready for my mom to stay for a few days.
My posting is down because I've been busy. I've had some big ups and downs but am working on avoiding the near occasion of drama.
I could fall asleep at the keyboard but must rally and be oh so productive.
I will agree, even when you are wavering on doing things for yourself, you sound upbeat.
I found that I had to go through my past and accept the facts and finally put them away and not look back. That included things before my marriage that effected the marriage. It was learning and growing process. You have to learn to be ok with your past and know that you will end up stronger in the end.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
TD
Life’s Journey
Our life is a long journey, A path to what we will be,
The path to choose is not clear, Follow your heart, have no fear.
Do not question or regret, There’s no use for you to fret.
Some decision’s good, some bad, Is your life happy or sad?
Be true to your heart and self Your life will be full of wealth.
TwinDragon Thread #11-Dragon, flying - evaluating his world.
Gypsy - glad you went out in the city. NYC gives everyone energy. Go see, if you can, A Man for all Seasons at the Roundabout with Frank Langella. Awesome.
Wish we could to a NYC area DB get together. So many nice people here.
