Hi everybody. The strangest thing has happened. I must now take care of my husband after he was run over by a truck. I showed up at the ER and had to do all the wifely duties but then I had to admit that I did not know what his insurance was, or his address, or where he worked. pretty obvious we were separated. he looks horrible but he will live. Thank goodness for my kids. It has been completely surreal. He cannot go back to his apartment because he is on the second floor and he will be in a wheelchair for up to a year. He will walk again with rehab. Our families have hinted if he could stay with me. I am sure he does not want that. There is a creepy person who visits him often. I am not sure if they are together, but I mind my own business and act as if. the weird part is that I remember exactly the last time we hugged. kissed and had sex and today was the first time we kissed since I found out about his cheating affairs last year. To make matters worse, I wrote about his sudden weight loss and bizzarre appearance. Well he is still a vegan ( his former mistress insisted on this) an he is barely eating anything in the hospital. He looks horrible. Each day we visit with him, he is so grateful for our company. He wants to hear everything about my life, my friends, my work, the kids, my day, any movies I have seen because he is so lonely and for a while he has been friendless without me. But then at night when I am a single parent with two jobs and my kids alone in my home I start to remember how cruel and verbally abusive he was before I even knew he was having affairs. People have mentioned so many things to me. "It is karma." "How can you be so nonchalant and jovial while your husband is injured?" "You should take him back and take care of him." "Maybe now he will re-evaluate his life and come back." "I cry when I see you two back together again like a family." "Would you take him back?" "It is so nice of you to visit him after whAT HE DID TO YOU." Huff. Why so many comments about our lives? Because the whole town knew about his affair before me. I used to write about it a lot here but he was the manager of my mom's pub and then I took over his job at night even though I have a job in the day! All the customers knew and saw him begin his affair with a girl 16 years his junior who literally worked in the coffee shop across the street!!! How humiliating for all of us but I hold my head up high and look hot and smile. They would even carry on while I was at work!!! Cruel. I do not want him back. Plus he looks literally like a victim of Auschwitz. Please give me insight my friends.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/05/0807:24 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
As you're on this board, I am assuming (please forgive me if I'm wrong) that you have been hoping to get your M back on track at some point? I'm afraid that I don't know your whole story, so apologies if I'm oversimplifying.
It sounds as though you are very angry with your H, and this is totally understandable.
It is also terrible that your H has been in an accident, and apologies here if I sound overly Pollyannish about this, but do you think that there is a chance that this accident might have made him see things differently? From what you say he was friendless before this, and is very grateful for your company. Sounds like you are acting like the bigger person in this situation.
Do you still love your H despite all of the heartless things that he has done to you? Is there a part of you that would like to see where things could go if in fact this has made him see things differently?
I can only imagine the pain that the As must have caused you and your family. Are you willing to give him another chance if he asks for it? What do you think is right for your children in this situation?
I know that it might be difficult to deal with public opinion one way or the other, but it is your decision, your M, and your life, and nobody knows better than you what is right. What is your heart telling you to do?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I remember reading your posts. Just because your H has had an accident doesn't mean you have to take him back.The accident might bring you closer and mean that you can communicate again which would be great...but he walked out and put you through so much....having an accident doesn't make it all ok again. You can be kind and compassionate to him, (after all he IS the father of your children), without having to recommit to him.
I would imagine your H doesn't really know what he wants at the moment and he is just grateful to be alive. I don't think this means he necessarily wants to put the M back together either.
I would take each day at a time and let what other people say about taking him back just wash over you. That decision is one between your H and you and no-one else.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thank you for the insight. I originally came on these boards to save my marriage but I have not read enough in dealing with affairs so I stayed in the Separated forum, the Affair forum was not for me. Sometimes I feel it is me who wants the divorce more now but I have always been against divorce and I feel marriage should be for life unless there is abuse. Neither one of us has filed for anything. We have been status quo for over 18 months. Now the forum is a place of comfort for me but I cannot visit daily like I used to. I wish I could be more supportive as I do believe in Divorce Busting and it has saved me in so many ways. There have been days when I am in the convalescent home with my husband holding his hand, cheering him up, and I feel it is like we are still best friends. I feel like our Northern Star is that we will eventually grow old together. And I wonder if he were to die or if I were to be on my death bed, if it is his face who will comfort me? He is the man I married and built a home with and had two children with after all. But we are both guarded even though I try to be the bigger person. I know this sounds crazy, but I kind of live like those women on Oprah who discover their spouses are gay and they stay friends even after the confusing betrayal. IOi have no idea what his life has been like but I think he just works and sees the kids. I know his affair was ended after only three months because the OW is pregnant with her current boyfriend. Stupid Husband. I know people have different reasons for having affairs but what a shmuck. Do I love him? Maybe. I am not sure. I feel sorry for him and that would mean a lot in the past. I think I would sleep with him only if I felt sorry for him not because I was attracted to him. I have lost a lot of respect for him but I suppose the man I loved is still in there. Everyone is torn , not just me. His family, my family, all of our friends. Our neighbours. People loved this man. He was so popular and such a fall from grace, border line creep status because of the age of his partners and roommates. Word got out that he was hanging out with much younger people and yet he is almost 40. So that is another part of my life. I went from being a stay at home mom with two kids under 5 and a part time teaching job and a carpenter husband who was completely devoted to this.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/05/0805:48 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
mk - You know- you really don't have to make all the decisions right now. You can choose to treat him as a friend, or just as the father of your children or as a husband. You can take him home with you, or insist he go live elsewhere. Frankly, if he's not falling all over himself apologizing for what he's put you through, I'm not sure I would take him into my home.
And frankly - as a "single" working mother of two, how would you take care of him? Does he have other family members better suited to caretaking him?
As for this:
Quote:
I wrote about his sudden weight loss and bizarre appearance. Well he is still a vegan ( his former mistress insisted on this) an he is barely eating anything in the hospital. He looks horrible
PLEASE please go to his doctor's and iNSIST they test him for B12 deficiency. Most vegans are B12 deficient, and B12 deficiency can result in neurological (and even psychiatric) problems. If he is B12 deficient, it could hamper his recovery.
(((HUGS))) mk, I am so sorry to hear of your h's accident. Take care of yourself. wish I could offer words of wisdom. Know that I wish you well and still think of you often. I remember well those early days when we started this journey together over a year ago.
I do agree with kml, that you are not really in a place/position to be his caretaker. at the same time, only you can answer what is right for you.
Sally (Previously known as morgan)
Last edited by SallyM; 10/05/0810:33 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
OMG Morgan I am always thinking of you! Especially in the autumn. I wonder how your house must look and smell so wonderful. I will catch up with you. I wish I could commit more to the forum. I wish I could reread the book that has saved my sanity. I wish I could act as if and wait 24 hours and not bring up the affair. It is amazing how I feel like I go back to Day One, the day of the bomb every time this man cusses and yells at me on the phone.
Update: Husband has been released from a convalescent home. Kids went to visit with him in his new apartment that is wheelchair accessible. His homeless boat friend with no job and no car will be caring for him. My mother, the tough broad assumes that when two men share a one bedroom apartment they must be gay. Who knows but it is odd to say the least and I do not want my kids around this homeless guy who previously lived on a boat and was a known drug user. Whew.
My H just lambasted me on the phone because the kids did not call him until 8:30PM. I told him they were calling to say "Goodnight". A common bedtime ritual. He said I deliberately waited until it was too late for him to send his boat friend to pick up the kids so that he could see them. What a prick. I got home at 5:30, had dinner at 6PM. Had neighbours come over for a visit at 6:30 so we fed them and enjoyed the Indian Summer, then finished homework, brushed teeth, called Dad by 8:30PM. He said the F word, chastized me, threatened to get nasty. Unbelievable. What does a DBer do in that sitch? I told him that I could accomodate visiting him but that we are sometimes busy and he just got out of the hospital. I also mentioned how we were at his bedside every day in the beginning and every other day in the rehab home. I could not believe this jerk! I know I should have kept calm but OMG!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I remember now a book you used that dealt with conflicts such as these. I fell off the negotiations tactics and DBing BIG TIME.
Mistake #1: I brought up his MLC. That is like waking up a sleepwalker. He clung tightly to his alien denial and lifestyle.
Mistake #2: Brought up his OW who actually is now having another man's baby.. He only reaffirmed that he WAS a Bad Husband and so unhappily married to justify his OW and cheating and lying. So basically he just agreed he is horrible at marriage.
Mistake BIG ONE #3: I got emotional. Did not wait 24 hours. Cried. Pleaded for him to treat me with respect. Mentioned how I worked such long hours at two jobs because of single parenthood and relied on friends, family, neighbors, etc, not him. I believe this just gives him fodder for divorce lawyers neither one of us can even afford.
I wish I could have held my tongue and I did while I was in the same room as the kids. My D7 kept shaking my arm because I fell so silent. She was savvy. "What is he saying? What is wrong, Mommy? Daddy, stop talking to , Mommy!" She freaked out a little bit even though I tried to stay calm in front of her. That is what pisses me off the most. He would put me down and scream at me in front of the kids. He has not the whole time he has been staying at my house and during his rehabilitation. Sigh. Back to the DBing Board. I am glad to be back in a weird way.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/24/0802:32 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Poor D7! I remember one time xH and I were fighting on the phone. I kept moving from room to room, trying to keep D4 out of it. But she kept following me. I was infuriated because he was telling me that he isn't coming to watch the kids so I could go to work. This was 15 minutes before I had to be downtown and it was because "He didn't feel like it". Ok. I was ticked, and when I got off the phone D4 said "Why were you and Daddy yelling? He shouldn't hurt your feelings".
Sigh.
Ok, I had it wrong, thought you brought H home with YOU! Der!!!
Try to let the fight wash over you. It'll pass. They spew from time to time.
