How many marriages are being destroyed by the myth of compatablity and the seductive message of E-Harmony?
How many people are thinking, 'Gee, that's our problem; we weren't compatable. If we had been, our M would be wonderful, just like all those glowing couples on the commercial. I just need to get out of this R and find a compatable mate !'?
When W was dropping the bomb, she said that she believed that we just weren't 'compatable', and this was the reason why our R was wrong from the beginning.
She meant this especially in regards to our sex life. Her Hippy Mom has said more than one time that this is why she belives in pre-marital sex, to find out if two people are sexually compatable, and therefore will be able to make each other happy.
I have a completely different point of view on this. Since I am a Christian, pre-marital sex is not ok. If God had thought that all marriage difficulties boiled down to sexual compatability I think the Bible would have mentioned it.
But beyond the Biblical logic, I confronted this idea using my w's relationship history as an example.
When we first met, W was still depressed over the 'betrayal' by fmr. boyfriend. She found him in bed with OW.
Now, according to W, she and Fmr.BF were sexually compatable. I asked her to tell me why she felt her fmr.BF 'cheated' on her. If W and BF were sexually compatable, and that was what a good R is made of, how come it ended like this ?
She described the sequence of events leading up to finding him in bed with OW.
The long and short of it is that she was behaving in ways that no doubt made him feel angry (accusation, silent treatment, non-communicative passive agressive behavior, things that she also did in our R)and he chose to hurt her by having this affair. In fact, he and OW were laughing at her shock and hurt when she found them out.
In any case, had we had thourough pre-marital counselling and a frank discussion of sexual expectations (and knowledge of the specific issues arising from my W's PTSD related to 2 recent rapes) we may have avoided an unhappy wedding night and addressed sexual difficulties more effectively from thereafter.
My problem was lack of understanding of what she needed and how to provide it, her's was lack of effective communication of what she needed and unforgiveness of my ignorance.
These things can be prevented and/or remedied with the right information and communication.
My conclusion is that even if a couple is 'sexually compatable' or 'compatable on 22 areas' that E-Harmony matches for, there are other issues that arise in the life of any marriage that have to be re-negotiated and worked out.
When the willingness to forgive, communicate, learn or make allowance for one another is lacking, a couple is going to get into trouble, no matter how 'compatable' they are.
Any other thoughts on the notion of 'compatabiliy'?
Last edited by native; 10/04/0802:45 PM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
All I really know is that "we're just not compatible" is WAS and alien spouse speech as a reason to give to themselves so they can tell themselves that it is okay to bail on the relationship and therefore falls under the category of "believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do" I know that is hard though. I have heard that line before, like most of us on this board.
As for sex before marriage, I too am a Christian and believe that pre-marital sex is the fastest and possibly longest lasting way to damage a marriage and I know that from personal experience. I can see how our past mistakes have crept in and caused trouble over the past two years of marriage.
However our God is a God of grace and while the consequences can be painful they can also be turned to good. So keep pressing forward!
Sorry I got confused with what you said. I think that is great that you waited, I wish I would have. However it still comes into play for your marriage because of your wifes baggage from her other relationships that were physically involved.
It can still work out though for sure. Just makes things a little more complicated. Why don't you tell us all a little more about your sitch?
Yes, her pm sex made things more complicated, esp. since she was raped 2x in the year prior to us being engaged. (W has issues with speaking up, so I doubt the guys realized that sex wasn't consensual)
Here are two threads where I have posted extensively about us, if you are interested. So, you can go to the last post and then back to the beginning of the topic:
