W wants me to sell the house....advice please

[native]

A few weeks ago my W (S for about 1 1/2 mos.) wanted me to sell the house (she works at a university, does not follow the news cycle and does not have any idea about the mortgage crisis right now).

She wanted the house sold so she could be off the mortgage and financially independent.

I have balked since in order to sell it quickly she wants me to sell it for what we have in it, not market value.

We would lose $35K equity instantly. We are already into that much credit card debt.

I have been reluctant to do this, b/c I have no reason to believe that doing so will bring her back.

Since that conversation however, she has told me we are not getting reconcilled, when only a week before she said that she might consider reconcilliation after she had been in her own place for 2 mos.

Is it possible that not feeling financially free and independent is really what triggered the change in attitude ? She was upset that I would not 'just put a sign in the yard'.

Btw, I have no desire to up and move and end up having to rent a cheap apt. somewhere. I have a dog and I want a yard for D6 to play in. And I want some continuity for D. Not to mention the cost and effort of moving.

I also don't want to hurt ourselves financially, (neither me or my D but also my W if we get back together).

But frankly I'm beginning to wonder if this is the issue that made her change her mind about possiblity of reconcilliation.

I know no one out there can read minds, but any thoughts ?

[native]

I am moving here from the Piecing forum after W told me in no uncertain terms that she is not reconcilling.

B4 this we were casually dating and she said I 'smothered' her.

Plz help me get back on track. I am 'going dim' as best as I know how. No texting. No R talk. No lingering in conversations.
Trying to Gal and work on making a living, changing careers.

[native]

I tried to find W a few places to rent (she needs to move out of her Mom's soon) that would be safer than the place she had mentioned (concerned about D6's welfare, but W's also) and affordable.

She thanked me, but basically told me she wanted to do it herself, that my help was not needed. I had hoped she would respond positivly as just a few days ago I had saved her from going overdraft in her bank account bc she rarely checks to see how close she is to 0 before using her check card.

So, I'm dropping it unless she asks for help.

I wonder.....once she is away from her mom's and is living on a shoestring, without cable I assume (she watches tv constantly to unwind from work), perhaps she will begin to miss me.

[native]

W has a close friendship with a very depressed, sometimes suicidal girl whose lesbian partner committed suicide about 10 mos. ago.

This girl has grown very attached to my W and has made overtures to her, bought her clothes, bought my d6 clothes, and spent more one-on-one time with W in the past 10mos that I have.

Before W announced she wanted a 'trial seperation' she spent huge blocks of time with this girl. At first I thought we as a couple might be able to help her through this hard time, but essentially this girl became my W's project and took her away from a family she was already poorly connected to.

B4 this girl, it was another friend who took all W's free time.

W has always been compassionate to needy people, but it put a strain on our already strained R.

Eventually W got tired of me trying to control her 'free time' spent with Project Girl. (any time after work was considered her free time. No duties to taking care of child, cleaning, paying bills, anything) and this seemed to lead directly into the announcement that she wanted a seperation and accusations of me trying to control her.

From my point of view however W had abandoned me and D6 to spend all her time with this 'project girl' (who is a relational vampire and a spiritual 'dark hole' as far as I'm concerned).

We are now 7 mos. past the bomb and 1 1/2 mos. into physical seperation, and W continues to see this girl, even after her mom, who is about as open as one can get to diversity and odd birds has told her that she doesn't want 'project girl' around her house, that she feels this girl is dangerous and could hurt someone. (Anyone can see this girl is seriously odd, which isn't to condemn her, but how is her company helping my depressed W get any better?)

"Project Girl" continues to buy clothes for W. ( I asked her why PG buys her clothes. W says PG just likes to.) I also noticed a new shirt on my D. that PG bought.

PG is a trust fund baby who has a menial job but lots of available funds to buy stuff, which I cannot since we have put ourselves into so much debt and my livelyhood has been diminished

Both I and W's mom have asked if W is 'attracted' to PG, but she denies it and I believe her. (I think having someone more screwed up than herself makes her feel better, plus she's 'helping' PG). W has admitted that PG has expressed a romantic interest in W. Obvious, since she is using her trust fund $ to try to buy my W's love.

My Dilemma:

I don't want PG buying clothes for my D or have anything to do with D. I feel threatened by the clear and obvious attempt to woo my W.

W is not lesbian, but I still do not want this person having anything to do with D6. PG is emotionally unhealthy and clearly not supportive of our marriage.

W may not respect my concern, but I have rights as a parent too.

Question Anyone:

Do I approach W with an ultimatum (no contact or clothes buying for D6) or request, or do I need to see an attorney, since at this point we are seperated (have not signed seperation papers yet)and headed for divorce according to W a few days ago?

[native]

Anybody out there ?

[hopeforfuture]

Native,
Not sure what kind of advice I have. Just wanted to let you know that there are others out there in a similar position. My W left back in April saying that we would continue working on the R. There was however, no dates or attempts to work on us after that. She also has been pushing for me to get her equity out of the house. Fortunately in our situation, we do have equity, but considering the market, it is not the best time to sell. Not to mention the further instability, moving, etc. All the things you mentioned.

As far as PG is concerned...
I don't think there is anything you can do about this. If you give W an ultimatum, she will likely ignore it and resent you for it at the same time. Legally there is probably nothing you can do either. Unless there is an issue with D's safety, the law won't step in to right you W's bad decisions.

My advice:
Do nothing at this point. Talk to a lawyer, but there is no need for you to file. Maybe a formal separation agreement to protect yourself.

[klm]

Can you afford the house on your own?

[native]

KLM:

It will be a struggle to afford the house on my own. When we bought it I told her the only way we could keep it was if she kept her job.

I had not really wanted to move the last time either. Our mortgage was only $300/mo.(I had bought the house and renovated it over several years b4 we got married. Now its $1435/mo.

We bought this house just after the real estate prices ballooned. Great timing huh?

Additionally, my skilled trade, plaster repair and restoration, is seeing increased competetion from illegal labor.

And my other buisness, home inspections, is dead in the water.
So its going to be a struggle, but I am applying for various salaried positions.

Thank you both for posting. Few people care, fewer still understand what it is to fight for your marriage.

[ms ladybug]

We're going to list our house soon as well. I don't think we have ANY equity in it anymore. At one time. we had $100,000 equity. I don't think we can even sell it at the price we bought it for 4yrs ago.

I wish I had words of wisdom. Just wanted you to know that I can relate.

[native]

Thank you, MsL. I do appreciate your thoughts. And I am sorry for you and your situation.