my d is official today. i had to go down and enter the decree with the judge. boy was that fun. w couldnt do it because she's on another vacation and according to my accountant, there were tax advantages, or less headaches by getting it done in '08 vs. first week of '09. doesnt seem right that I had to go down and talk to the judge. makes me pretty sad.
but, the reality is my W is totally out of reality. the week before xmas, I had the kids. the last friday of the school week was snowed out. W was supposed to have the kids until 5pm, but asked if I could take them because she had a flight for another vacation that left early in the morning. I asked her if the kids could just sleep at my place Thurs night...nope, she had to bring them by at 7am...couldnt even stay one more day to be with her kids on her time. she got home xmas eve, then left day after xmas with the kids. i get them back friday. she's ridiculous. my L today said she's 'not a loving person', it will get better, you will be much better off. wish I could marry my L...she's cute, very nice, very real....but married.
so....i get the bomb on my sons birthday. get the I Love so and so on Xmas eve last year, go to mediation on halloween, and now see the judge on xmas eve. it's been a fabulous year. I'm bummed out, but what can I do....W filed before we were even separated. 15 months later after bomb, I'm D'd....wonderful. She never made one inclination to try or give effort. Just gave up. whatever....on we go...
T! I just found you here. I thought you had left this place. I didn't realize you moved over here. Well it probably doesn't matter much now but the whole time I was wondering how things were going and hoping for you. Dam! Really, really sorry for you brother. Choosing_Life might be right. Maybe you will be better off. Sh!t, my heart goes out to you.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
thanks for the support. I was pretty down on Wed...my buddy made me go over to his house for xmas eve. He knew how I felt. He's going through some tough times himself, so we were all miserable together.
My L called me WED PM to see how I was doing. She is really nice and it was nice of her to think of me.
Thu and Friday I have been pretty bummed out. My kids got back here tonight so we have been having a good time playing games, wii, etc. I know they love it here and I know they like to play with me. I dont think W really plays with them much.
So, yes, it is a big bummer. I have been crying a lot, thinking back to what I had with my W. We didnt have a bad marriage but for whatever reason, she just thinks that grass is greener. We never even really fought until this last stage. I played hardball the entire time. I never wanted her to think D would be easy or rosy. And I certainly am not going to enable that for her in any way right now. It sounds like anger on my end, I am angry because we dont deserve this. My marriage wasnt bad. Sure it could have been better. It could have been better if she just stated what the hell was bothering her before she jumped ship. In my opinion, money ruined her. She started making a lot of money, made her very materialistic and once the selfish stage hit, bang...she's on top of the world.
Yes, I am anticipating it be awhile before I feel better about this. I loved her a lot. Ive never been dumped before. I just dont see myself playing the 'buffet line' like J210 and ManinMotion..though it does sound fun. My hearts just not in it yet.
What you describe sounds so similar to my sitch....Fact of the matter is she is gone (physically and mentally). You need to accept that and stop getting back to "thinking back". try to think ahead T...don't get stuck. After describing your wife on these boards, why don't you ask yourself this question. Is the person that your wife has become a person that you would want to spend the rest of your life with (not the one you remember, the one she has become). If the answer is yes, I suggest you you start enabling..... If the answer is no, then take care of T first and the kids when you are with them. It is normal to think of what might have been.....move on T.....
John210
PS by the way, I am not "playing" the buffet line but rather sampling. I did not see myself doing that a few months ago either but....reality has a way of sneaking up on you.
Hi Tostada, I just as badly wanted to still be married to my wife. The thing for me that makes it easier is that I've grown so much at times it seems like the man I am now hasn't ever been married. We didn't have a good marriage. It wasn't bad in my opinion, but, given my family background, that's understandable. Give my wife's family background, for her it wasn't good.
These days, I'm merely coping and having a taste of the buffet is partially a coping strategy as well. When I was completely miserable, that she wasn't also was nearly unbearable. Now that there is the occasional enjoyment, it's a little easier to handle. Not that a new relationship no matter how little doesn't bring its' own complications along with it.
My IC said to me that I'm trying to deal with all this without having to deal with it. As in, I want to be past it without having to live the pain and hurt of getting past it. Touche'
So, I'm sorry you're here and the rest of us as well. You seem like a pretty good guy and a good father to your kids. I struggle with that one. It's easy for me to disappear into my own world.
Find what things you can enjoy and treat yourself to special things right now. We sometimes have this perverse idea that the time to treat ourselves is when we triumph. Better I think to do it when we're struggling.
today was my birthday.....W made sure my kids made a big effort. W txt me mid morning and wanted to know if she could take me to lunch. if you know my sitch, thats the first example of goodwill on her part in 16 months. I replied thanks, but I'm already spoken for...
then, she brought my kids over to the house. She obviously really helped them with presents. Even baked me a cake. In her card was a short note ' happy birthday, I know it's been a tough year. wishing you happiness and joy in 2009, love Wife'....
anyway, I'm not really looking that hard into this, but it's interesting.
Let me take the first shot.....It is my experience that although this is all very nice, it probably means very little in the grand scheme of things. Believe me, I know the feelings that such an encounter brings on. That is some nice goodwill on your w's part. You need to do the same...not to win her back but simply to show her that you can be friends. That should be your first goal. Don't go into all the reasons why you can not, just do it. Be civil, be accomodating, be nice just like you would with a friend (yes i know friends don't do what she did to other friends). Try to take this as day one ... a nice gesture...nothing more, nothing less.
I'm sorry to hear about your D. Hang in there, it will get better with time. I'm realizing lately that DB can be just as helpful for your own benefit as opposed to simply applying it to save a M. Are there any new recreational groups or activities you might want to try out? Or what were you not able to do previously that you are now free to do?
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
