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FLTC #1618104 10/11/08 12:28 PM
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FLTC, glad you have things to do with your children to keep you busy and not think too much aobut your anniversary. When my anniversary came around I wondered whether to acknowledge it or not. It's hard to pretend it doesn't exist.

(((FLTC)))

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(((FLTC)))

Yeah, anniversaries kinda suck lol. It will always be the anniversary of one of the most special days of your life, but it doesn't have nearly the same meaning anymore. I found it impossible not to acknowledge in some way, at least to myself, but obviously didn't say or do anything with H.

I am glad you have things to keep you busy. Distractions are good.


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
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FLTC, you wrote on my thread

"To me, I think I was oblivous to a lot of things that made her angry. I never gave a though to "the kids should go to the dentist", maybe we should re-finance the mortgage, gee, the car needs to be replaced.

Not that I didn't care, but these things never seemed to be on my radar scope. They STILL aren't to a large degree. Not cuz I don't care, but I'm plotting my next workday, the next hockey game, the next call to my daughter. A lot of pucks get by me in life. She felt so put upon. Maybe rightly so, I don't know.

She felt if she didn't do a lot of stuff, it wouldn't get done. Not that I wouldn't do it if asked. She freely admits that. I guess it's like "Gee, the cure for cancer shoud be so obvious", but stuff really gets by me. If I'm reminded of it, I do it, but not recognizing it in the first place ripped her. I don't know how to get color on a black and white TV, so I would NEVER probably see the things she wanted me to."

I think your W probably felt that she was the lone adult in the house, the only responsible one. While she was handling all the day to day tasks she saw you as being out playing soldier or indulging in whatever other interests you had. She began to resent the hell out of you for it. Women don't like to hear "I would have if you'd asked me", they like to feel that you KNOW what needs to be done and are there to do it without being asked. I can remember my W used to say "Goodnight, I'm going upstairs now" and I was supposed to KNOW that she wanted to get laid! I'd say "I'll be up shortly", having no idea what she wanted, and continue watching the ballgame or whatever else I was doing. She would lie in bed fuming because I wasn't up there boffing her brains out. When I said "why didn't you tell me" she said "I did, when I said I'm going to bed now "
My point is, saying "I would have if..." just don't cut it! Women don't want to have to ask, right or wrong as that is.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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I think that's it. She felt like th lone adult in the house. That being said, I don't believe I'm the only guy in the world who is that way, but who knows.

FLTC #1618574 10/12/08 11:49 AM
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I Posted this on wii's thread, and i think his response to me is really at the crux of the issue, not tha it matters any more, but I still can't beleive I'm 100% responsible for this. I am not a mind reader. Enough



To me, I think I was oblivous to a lot of things that made her angry. I never gave a though to "the kids should go to the dentist", maybe we should re-finance the mortgage, gee, the car needs to be replaced.

Not that I didn't care, but these things never seemed to be on my radar scope. They STILL aren't to a large degree. Not cuz I don't care, but I'm plotting my next workday, the next hockey game, the next call to my daughter. A lot of pucks get by me in life. She felt so put upon. Maybe rightly so, I don't know.

She felt if she didn't do a lot of stuff, it wouldn't get done. Not that I wouldn't do it if asked. She freely admits that. I guess it's like "Gee, the cure for cancer shoud be so obvious", but stuff really gets by me. If I'm reminded of it, I do it, but not recognizing it in the first place ripped her. I don't know how to get color on a black and white TV, so I would NEVER probably see the things she wanted me to.

FLTC #1618577 10/12/08 12:18 PM
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Not many people I know passed Mind Reading 101! Maybe there should be a requirement for a major in communication before anyone is allowed to get married.

I have a question that doesn't really matter now either, but were you in the Army when you got married? I wonder if your wife ever really accepted that as a "good" career for you.

The important question is how do we move on and stop worrying about the things we can't change?????

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Yes, Mattie, I was. The last two posts are really the crux of my blame in the demise of my marriage. it took a while for me to put his into words. My W. did get frustrated, and rightfully so, but it wasn't me digging me heels in, it is just that in certain ways, I have NO peripheral vision: Gee, s10's teeth are really crooked. He needs to see an orthodondist. Right by me. Ball 4.

FLTC #1618618 10/12/08 03:10 PM
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FLCT: We are all partially responsible for what went wrong. I think I didn't value my ex enough. The points that you and wii make are also important.

I see myself somewhat in your wife's shoes. I handled EVERYTHING to do with daily life with the kids - hospitals, appointments etc despite the fact I was NOT a stay at home mom but ran a fulltime business. He came home and often vegged in front of the tv. He would have been happy to have me bring his dinner tot he couch so he could stay there. But he did eat with us at my insistence.

My point? Yes, there is one. If someone is unhappy in their M and feels they are shouldering the burden and all the reponsibility (my C pointed out to H and I that this was me) - they need to speak up. If one person feels they are neglected and the other spends too much time with the kids or work or other (my H felt this way) - they also need to speak up.

We all have disappointment and disillusionment in our Ms at times. Some moreso than others. But if you don't communicate it and you don't do something about it - then you can't expect to have it fixed. And yes - no one is a mindreader despite the fact we want the other person to be.

OK, having said all that, it does not give the person the right to cheat. To lie. To not try to fix things.

I was disillusioned in my M but would NEVER have left or cheated. I tried to make things better. H was obviously disillusioned in our M too but never told me

Barb

FLTC #1618635 10/12/08 03:47 PM
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Quote:
I think your W probably felt that she was the lone adult in the house, the only responsible one. While she was handling all the day to day tasks she saw you as being out playing soldier or indulging in whatever other interests you had. She began to resent the hell out of you for it. Women don't like to hear "I would have if you'd asked me", they like to feel that you KNOW what needs to be done and are there to do it without being asked.

Been there done that. need to sell Tshirts to fund stock purchase when the DOW drops to 6K however this quote is right on the mark.

Quote:
I'm not a lazy person, but I really am content to livelife as long as I have a roof over my head, food, a car and a gymnasium. Pretty simple. Having sex before I die might be a good addition as well.


Look up Earl Butz's quote former Ag Secretary to Gerald Ford. It's racist but when I heard it I said "ME TOO". The quote got him fired but I believe cause he did not state 90% of the Male population instead of 5% of the population he generalized. Blacks were about 10% of the US population at the time but they did not hold exclusive rights to Secretary Butz's quote and many of them did not fit into it. But I did and it sounds like you do also.

I believe you are starting to get it. What are you going to do when you emerge from this storm so you will not repeat the big mistakes?


"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work"
Steve Martin



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Hill,

I was going to ask you to look at my post. I think you also said behavior like mine wsa the crux of your situation too.

I guess I'm a not a bad guy who was not such a good "partner". I guess this is what she's said before, but looking at her schizo behavior, there's enough blame for her as well, I guess. Just like Barbie, as unhappy as I was, I wouldn't have walked out, no matter what.

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