Yeah #2 is more what I was getting at. Perhaps brainstorm some ideas for this? Maybe we can help you come up with some goals/steps?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I'm sorry for your situation. It is great that you are taking action. Better late than never.
I have hope for you. If the testosterone is helping, it could help more than libido (energy, PMA...)
I can't stress enough: Please exercise. It will help you so much.
Good to focus on YOU now. You'll be a much better man for your family and for yourself.
You're taking charge of your life. That should be a huge boost to your self-esteem. By the way, please stop tagging yourself as having low self-esteem like it's a disease. We all have low self-esteem and demons on one level or another. Tell yourself that you've already overcome it!
You're working on becoming a better man, and that is the most exciting thing you'll ever do in your life. BRAVO!
Please keep posting here, even if you feel lousy. This is your safe place.
Hey! Good for you brother! I'm so happy for you to hear you are getting it together. Please keep posting. I want to hear all about how you took care of things, got your balls back and are now king of your castle. I look forward to when Mr. P stands for something completely different than pathetic.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
So is your wife still in the house? What happened with her. How is she treating you these days? What is the current situation? How are you treating her? When are we going to that hockey game?
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
A year has passed, and I have no substantive improvement.
I continue on the HRT. My hormone counts are rising, although I still have very weak sex drive. I almost never generate erections, and arousal is almost non-existant.
My career has really taken a turn for the worse. I now work in a different city from my wife. I live in Florida, and my wife and kids are back in Texas. This gives my little or not opportunity to work on my relationship problems. However, I don't have to face an angry, disillusioned wife every night.
I just had another milestone birthday recently. I realize I am not getting any younger - and my situation is not getting any better. I see little or no opportunity for improvement, in the near term.
The very best I can hope for, is to somehow keep my marriage in one piece. I keep hoping for some sort of a breakthrough - but hope never turns into reality.
Am I really wasting my time at this point? At what point is it simply more practical just to give up?
A year has passed, and I have no substantive improvement.
I continue on the HRT. My hormone counts are rising, although I still have very weak sex drive. I almost never generate erections, and arousal is almost non-existant.
My career has really taken a turn for the worse. I now work in a different city from my wife. I live in Florida, and my wife and kids are back in Texas. This gives my little or not opportunity to work on my relationship problems. However, I don't have to face an angry, disillusioned wife every night.
I just had another milestone birthday recently. I realize I am not getting any younger - and my situation is not getting any better. I see little or no opportunity for improvement, in the near term.
The very best I can hope for, is to somehow keep my marriage in one piece. I keep hoping for some sort of a breakthrough - but hope never turns into reality.
Am I really wasting my time at this point? At what point is it simply more practical just to give up?
Go back and read my earlier posts to you.
Apart from the HRT how are things going with YOU, not the "marriage", but YOU?
Are you exercising, eating healthily, reading mind-broadening books, learning about the world you are privileged to live in?
Are you doing the things in life that you will regret NOT doing when you're on your deathbed? If not start doing them. No-one, man or woman, is going to get you started in those things. It all starts within. What do you want to do.
"The very best I can hope for, is to somehow keep my marriage in one piece."
Why exactly are you so desperate to keep this marriage in one piece? What does it give you that you don't already have, that you couldn't get from another woman. Clinging onto a relationship will literally just drag you and it down.
Be honest, did you stick to the NMMNG breaking free exercises? Or did you stop or backslide.
Be honest, what is it about your wife that you are attracted to? And vice versa?
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
My caeer has entered "meltdown" mode. I have gone through 3 jobs in the past year. Things are extremely hard in my profession right now, due to the economy. Quite frankly, right now, I am just trying to keep the bills paid, and my head above water. I had to take a job that is over 1,000 miles away from my home, and quite frankly, I am thankful just to have that.
No, I am not doing the things that I will regret on my deathbed. Quite frankly, my financial situation just doesn't permit that right now. I need to save every dime I can, to keep paying my bills, including my children's tuition. One child started college last year, and another starts next year.
I did most of the NMMNG exercises. But I realized sometime afterwards, that this program was leading me in a place I didn't want to be. Many of the activities in this program conflicting with my Christian beliefs, and I simply could not abide that. This was particularly true of the masturbation exercises, which quite frankly, I found to be extremely disturbing and sinful.
Why do I want to stay with my wife to intently? Out of my obedience to God. I swore an oath to my wife, that I will remain married to her, for life. I swore this on an altar before God. This promise is to God, not just my wife. I can't break a promise to God.
I hope to somehow repair my relationship to my wife, even though she is 1,000 miles away, and somehow stay out of the divorce court. Really, that's all I am focused on doing right now. If we never have sex again, it will be extremely disappointing, but I will find a way to live with it.
You have been getting some good advice from the other posters here. OK, what interpretation of obedience to God says you cannot be a man? That in order to stay married you have to have your balls busted? You are not choosing divorce. In your previous posts you say your W has been having lesbian affairs and kicked you out of the master bedroom - who's definition of an M is that? Seriously. So you cannot beat yourself up for failing to keep your promise to God. God never intended anyone to live the life of a meek little mouse.
I did everything I could to stay out of the divorce courts but in the end it was my H that walked. He is an alcoholic and had an extremely low sex drive. There were a lot of problems in the M. I got on these boards about six years ago and tried my utmost to do all the things suggested in DB and SSM. In the end it was his decision not to grow and his decision to walk. That is where your wife is at. You cannot change her but you can change yourself and you have a duty to change yourself.
One thing that helped me enormously was attending al-anon meetings. I would definitely suggest you do the same. You need to because your father was an alcoholic. You will be among people who have lived through the same situations who truly understand where you are coming from. Look up al-anon and find a local meeting. I think this is essential for you.
take care
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I could never do what your husband did. I could never walk. Sorry, I just can't justify that to myself. I really do believe in the permanence of marriage.
What is my #1 goal right now? To have an obituary, that shows that I was married when I die. Really, that's it. If I never have sex again, I can live with that.
So I will not do anything that will provoke a divorce. I will try to make improvements in myself, and make myself a better husband/father/Christian. Yes, I will look into the Al-Anon meetings.
But I have tried to take back my bedroom, and become more assertive in my marriage. That brought me to the edge of divorce two years ago. Sorry, I tried that, and it simply will not work with my wife. She insists on total, 100% control of our relationship.
I could never do what your husband did. I could never walk. Sorry, I just can't justify that to myself. I really do believe in the permanence of marriage.
So do I MrP, I was putting myself in your shoes and my H in your W's shoes. What I mean is that you cannot fault yourself if she makes a choice that you wouldn't make. If she makes the decision to split it will be in spite of you, so don't feel like you could have done something to save the M - you probably couldn't.
Please do go along to Al-anon. I'm sure you will get a lot of support there. And the best thing about it (aside from it being free) is that no-one will try to tell you what to do. They will listen to your story, and they will tell you theirs and you will learn a lot from each other.
A good friend of mine gave me a mantra when I was going through the worst of things with my H and that was just to keep repeating to myself *I don't deserve this*. It made a big difference to my head. I think you should try it. :-)
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
