I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

OK, the old thread was about to close so restarting here...Basically H sent me an email last night, an email that actually has SOME elements of hope.

Today on IM he reiterated that the point was he missed me, wanted to see what happened, and wanted to try. I told him only thank you very much for the email, and I wanted to think on it before responding. I'd love to hear thoughts on the email. It packs quite a punch...

We have had some rough conversations lately, and I know this happens and it is not always easy. I do not want to hurt you, it is the last thing I want to do. I walk a fine line between being honest and upfront, and telling you what is in my head. I am angry with you to a point. It is not part of my everyday thinking but it manifests it self when I am frustrated and interpret the same behaviour from you that I have seen in the past that I feel hurt me. I do not think of things in the past as being your fault, I do not blame you. However I will not let it happen again. I do not think you do it on prupose, I think it is just how you communicate and operate. In the same way that I have a confrontational style in how I sometimes talk to people or how I view things. To a point that is my behaviour, as I understand it is yours.

I have to tell you that I have constructed a life for myself up until now. I have became pretty good friends with F and have found a few people to hang with, surprisingly enough, most are men. It is not deep relationships, just go out drink, go on walks nothing too fascinating. I excercise and paint, and study and a lot of times just do my own thing by myself. I have come to love this as part of what I need to be me and be happy. It is a fake life though up to a point. You and I still have a bond in life and emotional. To a point I have ignored that and it has been necessary for me to do so to get to know myself. You have played such a dominant role in my life that I needed to do that, I was a fraid I woulod just recreate what you and I had, with a wine club, and not get to know what I want. I also know that this existence has an expiration date and to be honest it has panicked me a bit. I sometimes feel like the start of Mad Men in which the man sits in his office and everything falls apart around him.

I know change is constant. When you told me you were coming back I felt crowded and pushed and it why I reacted so brutally. I know things will change in my everyday, and some parts of it scare me. You coming back is evidence of that. I have paid attention to what you said, about me not looking at you like an ogre, and I am doing my best. I miss you. I download shows and want to watch them with you. When you come back I want us to hang out atleast twice a week. We can watch shows and maybe do walks or even a little excercise. I am fine with you taking the house and taking the pets. However either way I will not be pressured to live with you in 3 months or ever. You will not do that to me without me reacting badly.

I will spend time with you because I miss hanging with you. I want to see if we can act like friends and if there is hope for our marriage. We can learn this by spending time together and just taking it easy. I want to watch some cool new shows I found with you, just hang out. If things develop from us spending time together then that is good. Maybe we will see hope there. But if it is us just forcing things and not getting to a point in which we want to live together, then we need to think of what that means and where we are at. If you want to put a deadline on us figuring this out, I completely understand that. Its fair. However neither of us can guarantee and outcome, and we might find ourselves in this same place, Meaning we might still feel like we do today. If that is the case then we have to think of what kind of decision we would make in 3 or 4 months if we feel like we do now. This is not just me, this is both of us feelign as we do now. You may love me and be willing to get back together with me next week. However I think that this needs to be seen realistic. Would you really want me as I am now, as I feel, as I am thinking? Because this is who I am and what I am. We would not be happy. I think you need to see what I am at this time, and yes things could be better then ever. Things could also just be much worse, there are possibilities and not all of them are good.

I admire how strong you have been on this. As a person I like you. Just because I do not know if I can be happy with you does not mean I do not like you, that is not the same. I think you are incredible and I think well of you and have a lot of tenderness toward you. I like your little voice and how sweet you can be. This does not be we can be happy together. You have to understand that I am tempted to get back together with you because it would be easy, and because I would not hurt you. This however is the worst possible scenario and we should be very aware of this. We have to be on our guard for this, because it is very tempting but would lead to a horrible level of unhappiness.

I am rambling I know, I have a lot of things in my head and sometimes it is just too much to take. I am trying though. I miss you and please take care of yourself. Love yourself, treat yourself like the person you would love most in the world. Do nice things for yourself. Please do this because it kills me I cannot do this for you.

Anyway, at the very least we will laugh and watch this really cool new show called The Hollowmen. It is like the british office, but for a think tank in the Australian government, it is sooooo good.

Ok, going now. Please take care of yourself, I worry about you.

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just wanted to talk about my session with Jody, as sometimes these things can be really useful for everyone...

Jody said that in relation to the email, H is actually telling me exactly what he wants, and he is reading like a DB book. He is talking about going into stage 2, and about taking things slowly. She thinks he really does want to work this out, but is terrified of "backsliding", of going too quickly.

She says I really need to respect this, and continue to err on the side of not reaching out, but responding reactively for the moment. In terms of his earlier spew, she thinks he is going through some kind of emotional cleanse, and that he has made a lot of progress in the last 2 weeks, and is really softening to me.

I should respond to his email, very briefly, be positive about what he is working through, show that I get that he still needs space, and in general agree with all of the positives. I'll post my sample response later for review :).

Once in Dublin I need to let him set the pace, and see myself more as a seductress or mistress than a spouse for the moment. H is like a 17 year old boy rebelling against me, and as such this situation will be more realistic for him.

She also gave a metaphor about separation that others might find useful, in regards to kids being sent to their room. The first goes quietly, and after 15 minutes asks if she can come out, admits what she did wrong, what she should have done, and what she needs to do now. The 2nd is crying and begging and pleading, and the 3rd is having a tantrum and breaking everything in his room. The 2nd 2 kids are going to spend a lot longer than the first who goes quietly and uses the time to think...

She said be the 1st, and things will move more quickly.

ITH

[istherehope]

OK I know it might be too long, but trying to figure out what I can cut from this email...Jody wanted me to respond to the part about "would I really want him the way he is", and that paragraph is in line with what she suggested. Any other thoughts?

"Thanks for your nice email.

I agree we shouldn't force things between us, should just see how they go. I don't need to put a deadline on things. As long as we are spending time together and keeping the door open, then I am content. I am looking forward to getting to know you again.

Thank you for telling me that you miss me. It makes me smile. I like the idea of watching shows with you, taking walks, or whatever else it is that you would like to do. Thank you also for saying that you want to try to work on our marriage. I know you are scared about things going back to the way that they were, so this can't be an easy thing for you to talk to me about.

You asked, would I really want you as you are now. The answer is yes I would, and I like you the way you are now, but sounds like maybe you don't think you're such good company? I understand that you are working through a lot, and may feel conflicted about things. I'm fine with time together and time apart to give you the breathing space that you need.

I want to take X up on her offer to stay for awhile. We can talk later about the dates, logistics etc., but hopefully it's a solution that will work well for both of us. It would help us financially, and not uproot you for the time being. I do miss having financial security, and I would really like for us to be able to pay down debt, your school, and Mexico.

I understand that you feel bad about not being able to be there emotionally for me right now, and that you worry about me, but I am content and am really doing fine. All I need is the physical commitment, and I know I have that so won't ask again! (By the way you have mine too in case that didn't go without saying :))

Every time I hear from you it sounds like you are doing better and better. I'm really glad that you've been able to take this time to find things that make you happy, and to develop some new friendships.

I'm really looking forward to watching that new show with you too. I have not watched anything in AGES. Poland is DISMAL for TV.

Anyway I hope you're doing really well today, and I'll talk to you soon,

ITH

[pisces9]

wow ITH!!!! that is so amazing and positive. just respect his wish to go SLOW and you will be a DB queen! you already are

just reiterate what he says and reaffirm his ideas. just keep reinforcing what a good idea all this is.

you are awesome and im so happy for you!!!

xo P

[istherehope]

You're back!!!!

I always love hearing from you Pisces.

Yeah a lot of the goals in relation to H have been met over the past 2 days. I guess the storm had to hit first. Maybe, just maybe, we're ready for stage 2 now.

I hope everything is still going swimmingly with you.

ITH

[pisces9]

so look at how long (short) this really has taken you- im sure jody has reminded you how fast this has gone. and if you can make it through what you have already been through- the rest will happen very easily.

i know some days will be hard and rocky and scary. but you are truly bound for success. just take it SLOW. dont push. go to the gym and stay PMA

xo xo P

[One Day]

Hey ITH,

Just wondering if you sent the e-mail or still want comments? If you've sent the e-mail, did H respond?

Hope your weekend's going well,

L. xx

[istherehope]

Hi OD,

I sent the email with a few revisions, shortened it a bit, and added something about how I thought his ideas for how to move forward were really good. I just sent the email a few hours ago. I didn't want to grasp onto the first olive branch TOO quickly and scare him away...I want to keep him wondering a bit about MY feelings.

Knowing him he won't respond at all, unless there is something, anything in there that freaks him out. My guess it that it could be my offer to stay at the friend's house. I'll post as soon as I hear back though. Yesterday he contacted me again just to say to have a good weekend and that he'd sign in later to say hi. Internet is down at my house so I'm just in the office at the moment. I guess this will be a good way to remain mysterious for a couple of evenings though :).

Yeah, went to dinner with a friend last night. Unfortunately today/tomorrow all the expats except me are out of town, so I'm on my own, but I'm still doing OK!

Hope your weekend is going well too! I haven't seen any updates recently!

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi,

So ever since H sent that email on Thursday, it is like something has shifted in a major way. He reached out to me this evening, just to talk about our cat and our house, but was joking around a bit, calling me little names etc. I know not to read too much into every contact, but the contact IS getting more frequent, and it is getting more playful. I am very much on my guard, and not bringing up any R talk, but when they say believe nothing of what they say...does this ever change? Can we believe the good but not the bad? If someone is usually spitting venom, does this make the niceties even more momentous because they MUST be heartfelt to come from inside such an angry place?

Not trying to understand H's motivation, just wondering whether maybe my rollercoaster ride might be a little less rocky now...

ITH

[JenInVen]

Hi, I think he needed to get what he said the other day off his chest. Now that you have responded so well to his email he may see you a little differently. I'd suggest letting him be the one reaching out. Don't contact him and when you respond let his tone set the pace. If you don't what he says then just ignore him for the moment.