Jayce's thread

[diane74]

Just came in to see how you are Jayce? How's life going?
Hope your still doing great and in good spirits.



(( thinking of u ))

[Jayce]

Hi, Diane, how's yourself? I'm OK except for horse dumping me again Fri. I am such a slow learner...she's in heat. Was exactly 2 mo ago she dumped me. Evidently the cinch makes her uncomfortable & she doesn't want me to ride. (horses are in heat once a month)If I ever have another horse, its gonna be a boy!
Having dog trainer come train me (BIG challenge) to walk dog. W/all the stuff she knows, former owner never walked her!?!?!? W/my 'patience deficit' help from a pro is a must. So far so good. Takes 3 wks of consistent practice. We'll see.
H is doing OK. Back still on & off problem. Seeing Dr. next Tues. for next step. He finished "Hold onto Your N.U.T.S." couple days ago. Not talkin' about it. Either thinks it was stupid or some of it hit a nerve, he'll never tell. Gave him a different book. Hasn't opened it. Easier to put up w/stuff in summer. I'm outside a lot, sunny days make better moods.
Still won't talk during sex. If he ever does, it won't be much. I'd love for him to literally come after me, like he can't wait, really wants me, carries me off to his cave....
Don't think that'll ever happen either, but at least he initiates, is sorta settled into once a week, same habits. A loooong way from where we were last year at this time. And I can make him laugh if I do something goofy. He is still 'him', but not the angry, uptight, panicky(?) guy he was last year.
I hope you are still talking w/your H & he'll thaw out,too.
J

[Jayce]

You guys aren't going to believe this. We still have discussions about H's LD, feelings about sex, not talking, sharing, etc. I remind him that 8 months to read one book didn't exactly shout "I'm committed to working on this." He finally finished 'The New Male Sexuality' & 'Holding onto Your N.U.T.S.' then I went for broke & gave him 'She Comes First.'

This weekend had a meltdown & got half a dozen books off the stack and spread them out on the ottoman. Told him I did all the research, got books at library, bookstore, Amazon. Read every one of them & am working on another. Bet I've read 20 books. He'd rather watch TV than read one, ML, talk & on & on. Asked him what frequency he'd like, once a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year? Sorry, drifting & ignoring stuff not a good way to work with me.

Went trail riding Sun. Got home..he's 94 pages into one of the books! Guess which one...SSM!! He says he got more out of that one so far than the other 3!!! Felt I asked him to read the others so he'd feel inadequate, ignorant, etc.

I'd hoped those books would help him think more about his feelings about sex, sensuality, etc. Never dreamed he'd read SSM.. Figured it'd make him think I was pointing a finger at him. (Wonder if he'll ever read SSW).

He also said he thinks the problem is in his head & he'll go for counseling. I'm looking for one in our PPO. Emailed with one who says he needs to see a urologist also; check the big T, etc. OOOO boy. He didn't get mad tho.

Uh, did you guys know Schnarch charges $6K, his wife $3500? Plus air fare, 4 days in CO. Yipes!
Jayce

[Cinco]

Hey Jayce,

Wow it's funny how the light bulb finally comes on for them isn't it?. Same thing happened with my W. When I said what a good book PM was and suggested that she might get something out of it as I had, I never dreamed she would actually read it - at least not right away. She has almost finished it in a month.... Of course PM didn't come up until she said she would give MC/ST a shot.

My latest concern now is that she may be doing this for me and not for her own benefit... gosh I hope that I am wrong.

Still doing the all night naked snuggle though. I know what you mean about missing that most of all if you found yourself spouse-less.

Take care big sis.

Cinco

[Jayce]

Cinco, even if she's doing it for you, eventually she'll get something out of it herself. You can't think about sex/sexuality issues 24/7, but talking, & reading brings it up from the bottom of the list and its on your mind more often. Do you know what a Gestalt is? You happen to think about or see something that relates to something else you read or heard awhile ago and have one of those "OH!" moments. When new information is added to the stuff on the back burner & it simmers awhile its amazing what bubbles up.

Tryin' to take care. T-i-r-e-d this week. H has been working 4p to 4 a covering a vacation & I've been either 5:30 to 11 or 1:30 to 7. We barely see each other. I'm filling in till they hire a new full-timer. I hope they hurry so I can go back to being retired and lazy. LOL
Jayce

[Jayce]

Hello again. Got new full-timer at work, yay! Spent last couple months catching up on yard stuff, trail riding, bought a new saddle that fits better. Should stop some of the riding problems. Still ML about once a week, still total silence, eyes closed. BUT....we've had 4 or 5 counseling sessions! AND he likes the guy! Altho H mostly clams up, volunteers little, he has popped off with a few comments here and there. At least one was the P-A mean kind. Therapist tries to get him to talk about his childhood family life and has gotten him to admit his coping behavior isn't necessary any more since he's no longer at risk of his mother's wrath & manipulation. Ya think?

No luck getting him to talk about early sex experiences, sex education or lack of it, feelings about sex or sensuality. He did say my wanting verbal intimacy, more closeness during the day, (rather than 'let's go to bed' at 10:15 p.m. which could mean ML or that he's tired)isn't that important, such a big deal.(unnecessary?) I said that sounds as if to him it's trivial, like my needing new shoes cuz I can't wear brown shoes w/navy slacks. Therapist sort of got him to agree to try to make intimate comments when we ML. Didn't happen yet. He's visiting relatives this week, home late Sun. nite (too tired to ML for sure) Wonder what'll happen next time. If any progress or change happens it'll be a l-o-o-o-n-g time coming. I wonder if therapist will ever have him come in alone. Meanwhile, I hope you are all well & hangin' tough.
Jayce

[Jayce]

WOW! Can't believe its been so long since I posted. Worked full time Feb thru Apr. covering boss's maternity leave. They put her & other FT girl on the payroll & we subs are now "independent contractors" with no gross up to make up for us having to pay the employer's portion of payroll taxes. About a $2 an hour pay cut! Not to mention we DO NOT fit the IRS definition of independent contractor. Will have to have a meet with the club CEO before I work again. I'm not givin' it away. (Never try to put one over on an HR pro - former or otherwise & definitely not the IRS).

We did several MC sessions which were helping some. Last one H left before we were done. We were talking about communication/intimacy & that I'd said I 'needed to get laid' after a long day (knowing a week night wouldn't fly-just sayin')He said absolutely nothing either then or next a.m. Dr. asked him why he didn't respond in some way. Pressed him, didn't accept "I don't know". So H got up and blew out the door. Later he told me he thought Dr. was going to tell him he's stupid.

That's evidently a hot button from when he was a kid. Or thru his whole childhood, all his years at home. Wonder who the culprit(s) was. Told him that's not what Dr. would have done.

Couldn't do MC appts. while I was on full time and H was on days covering vacations. We'll get back to it. I think he needs a lot of one-on-one to deal w/self-image & hang ups from his early years. Thinking that reading a book is to make him feel dumb...jeez. Not to learn something new so you don't have to feel dumb.....?

Meanwhile, we still do the 1x/wk or so - even during the week a couple times! 1 1/2 yrs of no nicotine has helped. He asked me last week if I like it when he comes home from work interested in ML. Um, how many times ya think I said I'd like if that happened?LOL. He's thinking more about sex in general it seems. Recent physical shows his back still a mess, but everything else seems to be OK or better. Still silent during ML. Still not -um- inventive, but does talk about it more, is more relaxed - kids a little. All in all, a huge turnaround from where we were a couple years ago. It just takes a lot of work & time. I know the MC helped. Kinda like a neutral referee - um - I meant facilitator.
Have a good summer, everyone. Let me know how you are doing.
Jayce

[Jayce]

Hello again. Been a busy summer. Sex life continues to improve little by little. For a couple laughs, go to Cinco's 'Drive' thread.
I'm so glad I have my sense of humor back. A sign of better mental health right there.
Jayce

[Jayce]

Someone asked, on another thread, how or what I/we did to make my sitch better. Other than your going back and reading dozens of my rants, this might help. I came across a statement in a totally unrelated article that sums it up: "Remember, it's a process. The greatest fallacy regarding corrective action is that it is viewed as a single solution that will 'fix'the problem. If you reconfigure your thinking to recogize that any corrective method is a culmination of collective strategies that are implemented over a period of time, with various possibility of outcomes, you will most assuredly realize that there isn't just one answer.

The idea of 'various possibility of outcomes' is relevant also. One may improve a spouse's health, communication, or counseling may improve understanding of his/her sexuality, hang-ups, etc., but any of those changes could result in the spouse doing something other than we hoped; like leave, shut down altogether, join a convent, have an affair, admit to a fetish, or become a raving 2x a day maniac.

I'm not saying be careful what you wish for, just that it is a process that takes time and results aren't entirely predictable. Being watchful & flexible in changing strategies is important. The process will never be on a straight track. There is no track. It'll meander all over the place, but at least it moves along. Beats remaining static with no hope.

I'd say "good luck', but I believe you make your own luck.
Jayce