Retrouvaille means change

[trytryagain]

oh if only there were a magic button to get my WAH to be willing to do something like this. anyone have suggestions on bringing up this kind of option to someone who is resisting doing anything to repair the marriage? (we've been in counseling together for about a year...he just dropped the separation bomb about 20 days ago and has said he is not interested in working on things because he doesnt' want to)

[TrentC]

Tell him that it's just one weekend.

Can he give you 2 days and 2 nights to try and work on the relationship?

[Lotus]

It is true, a weekend is a short time to invest; it's not like a year of counseling. Some people negotiate to get the spouse there, giving him something he wants if he will do what you want. But the truth is the weekend is not likely to change him if he goes in with his mind made up. People can change, and they do. But when they have created walls in their minds, they may not be open to change at that time.

[goldeylox]

I've long offered this advice when one spouse is willing and the other is unsure...
Someone has to pick up the phone first. Why not let it be you?
I was surprised when I learned that half the time, the W makes the first call, and the other half, it's the H. Really? 50/50?
Each one has to make their own call, in their own way, on their own timeline.
Make the call...update your spouse and offer the number.
And here's the important part...ASK. Ask them to please make this call. That's it.
Let the team do their job. They know what they are doing.

[june72]

^

[SueS]

My Retrouvaille Experience -

Hi everyone. Some of you know me, some don't. I was on the boards about 8 years ago and then unfortunately again starting coming up on 3 years ago. I keep in touch off the boards with a few people and one of them asked me to tell you about my experience.

A short background for me.......
After being married for 10 years, my H & I had our first and only child. Being a new mom at 36, working full-time, working different schedules & being married to a functioning alcoholic took it's toll on me. I became depressed, overweight, tired, uninterested in sex.....etc. The list goes on. My H was always a bit of a selfish man....which he admits. He did a great job of taking care of our daughter when I worked during the day & he was home with her. He didn't feel that I gave him the kudos he deserved and I admit that I didn't give him what he needed. He's probably what you'd consider a Touch-Affirmation kind of guy. All that lead to my H beginning what was his 2nd A during our marriage. It was with a woman he worked with. It lasted over 2 years. It became so serious that they looked at houses & put deposits down on furniture. She, was married with 4 children. Those that do know me know that I experienced each and every emotion possible. I finally came to the point where I was done. I'd seen an attorney and was ready to file for D. My H knew that too. I asked him to leave. He went from crying to very angry. The entire time I had no emotion. No love, no hate. I just wanted out. All this, even after the A had ended and he'd promised again & again for over a month to change. Now, you need to understand that not only did the A last for over 2 years, but his drinking took it's toll too. He'd done what I'd considered unforgivable things and the only thing I had on my mind was protecting our D5 from growing up in an alcoholic family....as I had. One other significant issue was that whenever things got tough, we moved to another state, H changed jobs, or even pushed it to having an A. Anything to escape and for him to think he could get a fresh start

Enter Retrouvaille. 2 years ago in December, I asked my H to attend Retro with me. He flat out refused. My argument for it was like ones I've seen on the board.....What will 1 weekend hurt? He still wouldn't go. So, when he asked me to go, at first I said no. I told him it would never help. Then my father-in-law called and begged me to go. I thought it was a horrible thing for him to do at the time but now I thank him. I promised him I would go. I told my H I would attend, the whole time remembering what I'd told him 2 years before....what could one weekend hurt and that I was only going for our D5?

The Friday night that we left for the hotel I was sick to my stomach & thankfully the car was dark because I was crying. We dropped off our D and went to the hotel. I was the one that sat with my arms crossed and was angry. I was amazed to see 35 couples in our group....one of the biggest they'd had in a while.

I was unsure of how things would work. I mean, how can any method possibly save this broken marriage? My thought at the beginning of the weekend was....if anything, this will be my time to tell him how I feel, to finally get it ALL out. Over the weekend we both brought down the barriers that we'd built up for so long. We've been together for almost 19 years and the walls were really high. Retrouvaille provided an incredibly safe, comforting atmosphere for us to open up to each other. We talked about issues that we haven't talked about in years or have never talked about. Specifically, the alcohol issue came up. My H knew that his drinking affected me but admitted that weekend that he had no idea how deeply it did.....or what it could end up doing to our D5. She's already experienced some of the things that come with his drinking and she didn't deserve any more. We talked about my problems too. One of the other issues we had was the way he would encourage me to do something and then when I did well, he'd either downplay it or make me feel like I didn't deserve it. He admitted how he had done it as a control method. We also discussed the running. He said that he saw it now and admitted it. He runs when things get tough, always looking for that fresh start. He said...I don't get a second chance to be a good Dad...I hope to get one last chance to be a good husband...and I promise you before God that I will never run again...I will stay and work through it with you. Those are just three things....but we got into a lot of feelings that weekend. When I went to sleep that Sunday night at home I slept without tension for the first time in over 2 years. I knew we had a long way to go but we had a good start under our belts.

My H and I have kept up with the weekend Post sessions and plan on becoming part of their CORE group as well. When we get through with the Post, we plan on each getting counseling for issues we both have.....including my H's drinking. My H has become a much better father & husband. YES....we do still have a long way to go. BUT, we both feel that it was worth it and that we can get back what we had if we just keep at it. Our D5 has an actual family instead of a mom & dad that do their own things. My H has cut his drinking dramatically, almost to nothing. He had said that he wanted to quit and I suggested getting professional help for that. OH...that weekend was the first time that my H admitted that he had a problem.

I know it's a long story, but I wanted to add my story to show that it works. Trust me when I say that my friends here on DB, my friends that I've known for years and my family all knew that things were bad....really bad. My family was the first to see the changes in us. They were amazed and very happy. My H went home with me for Christmas for the 1st time in 4 years. It was relaxing and very enjoyable. Oh, we also joined a bible study with some friends. It's something I've always wanted to do and H agreed to do it with me, as it's something he said he needed too.

Retrouvaille has changed our lives. I hope you have the opportunity to see if it can change yours.

Hugs and love...

SueS

[Lotus]

Sue,

What a wonderful story! Well, I mean the last part! I so happy that you and your husband were able to make the changes to be a happy family. It's amazing, isn't it? I know some people believe that people can't change. But your story is proof that people can change, and they can change dramatically, if they choose to.

I hope you will continue to post here and share your advice with others.

[Deep]

Reminded me poignantly again of what can happen at Retrouvaille of both parties can open their hearts and minds ...

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((Sue)))))

OH...that weekend was the first time that my H admitted that he had a problem.

THAT's a big step. The first and most important one to recovery. M requires constant work and is difficult enough even without substance abuse issues.

I am happy for you that you are all on the path now. I will continue to pray for the three of you as you go forward now.

Hugs and blessings.

[TrentC]

Our journey began probably as so many people's do: we loaded up the car for the weekend. My wife was reluctant, and her nervousness was expressed through hostility. When we got lost on the way to the retreat, she was upset that I didn't know how to get there.

When we pulled up and the assisting couples helped us gather our things, we were both polite. As the one who had initiated the contact, I knew a little of what was to transpire tonight.

We signed in, got our room keys and were led to our room. We were both relieved to see that we did get a room with separate beds; things were incredibly tense, and I don't think either of us would have slept well that night if we had had to share a bed.

When we understood what the weekend was going to ask of us, my wife freaked out. This was so much the opposite of her way of dealing with things: she told me on our way home that if it wasn't so late, she would have insisted that we go home. As it was, she told me that she didn't know how much she could take and that we would probably leave on Saturday.

I was amazed at the sheer courage of the presenting couples. These people were rehashing their own private hell in front of dozens of people. I cried as one man described his feelings about his wife's infidelity, and I take hope that our marriage can recover the way theirs did; they seem so full of love for each other.

As the weekend wore on, we covered a lot of ground. My wife acknowledged that she had no excuse for the EA she had developed. She didn't go looking for it, and she didn't realize what was going on as it was developing. I uncovered some ugly truths about how I had behaved during our marriage, and how my insecurity had been used to manipulate her feelings.

By the end of the weekend, my wife and I were in better spirits. She struck up some conversation with the other couples, and actually gave her email address and phone number to one woman who shared a passion for knitting and craftwork. When one of the presenting women hugged us at the end of the weekend, my wife remarked that she "hugged the way a mom is supposed to hug you. My mother doesn't do that."

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate the overall experience as a 6. (Yes, that's Retrouvaille humor...) I did not experience the magical transformation that some other couples have reported, but we each got a better sense of where the other person is, and it has given me a sense of how to handle things as we move forward. My feelings of optimism have not changed, and my wife moved away from "this is the last chance I have in me" to "we'll see where this takes us." Both of us have wondered where our lives would be had we learned of this program years ago, when the relationship began to cool off and grow distant.

I have not asked my wife for a commitment to go to the post sessions yet; when she is exhausted, she can be very negative. I will give it a day or two, then bring it up. I will ask her to do the daily homework assignments.