A good friend of mine (she had been in a long-term marriage with 3 kids). Had an affair maybe 5 years ago. Originally she mentioned something about this affair guy being her "soul mate," but she divorced her husband and this guy stayed with his wife and ended the affair. She recovered and still believed that leaving her husband was the best decision she had ever made. She figured she would meet someone else and enjoyed being single.
Originally her husband did spend a year or so DBing (he might even be on this site somewhere!!! How weird since I know him...). Anyhow, he eventually gave up, completed the divorce, and met some woman he now lives with (and who torments his children... but that's another story...).
The marriage is over, he has been with his girlfriend for at least three years. He HATES his ex-wife more than anything on earth.
During these last 4-5 years my friend has always maintained that she was never sorry she divorced her husband. But tonight I learned that she has mentioned to another mutual friend that she now regrets it. And in so many ways I see it. The "party girl" is gone. She woke up...
Unfortunately, for this her it is too late. These two will not be reconnecting again. The anger, hatred and animosity (on his side mostly) is waaaaay too thick. There is a huge amount of ugliness between them and their children are shattered.
In the meantime I'm still in shock. This is a woman who has been COMPLETELY CERTAIN for these last 5 years that leaving her husband was the best choice she had ever made. She is the last person I ever expected to have this regret.
Surprisingly, some people actually wake up.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I have a friend that was in a bad marriage, her husband cheated on her on two occasions with two different women. They tried to work it out and fumbled along until she met OM and started her affair. That killed the marriage. She also said that the divorce was the right thing for her at the time. When our situation came to light, she talked to my W and told her that she was making a mistake and to try and work it out for our kids. She told me that she wished she and her first husband could've worked it out. OM is now living with her and is a piece of work. Her family hates him and won't have anything to do with him. She says that if her relationship with him doesn't work out she is going back on the shelf and stay single! The regrets come eventually. I know of two other women who said the same thing. I think Michelle is right when she says if you are willing to wait it out you can usually get your wife back.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
Yes, seeing my friend come to the conclusion that all the "alternatives" she was meeting as a single woman were no better, and sometimes worse, then what she had was interesting. And this is a woman who was 100% CERTAIN for 5 years that leaving her husband and divorcing him was the right choice. I know she didn't want to be married to him, but on the other hand, I don't think she realized she could remain single the rest of her life. And at this point it looks like there may be a chance of that.
Too bad he's with the horrible girlfriend. I call her that because the two of them have become very abusive to the children. The whole thing is really upsetting and I think if she had any idea this would occur she would have at least waited until the kids were grown.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yes, but it is too late with this couple. He got fed up with DBing, has HUGE hatred for his XW, met another woman and lives with her now. At this time they are dealing with previously well-adjusted, good kids, who are now very troubled and being abused because this guy and his girlfriend think they aren't disciplined enough. It's really REALLY sad!
I wish she could have realized all this years ago. But after going through it as a confident and observer, I can see how there's nothing that would have changed the course of this. All of this went the way it did.
I do think if he had just went off by himself, completely let her go, and worked on improving himself and creating a great independent life, rather then seriously connecting with someone else out of weakness (rebound). Instead, just have fun, meet plenty of guys and women and create a great network of friends, maybe develop some crushes, go on dates even (since he was divorced), but wait a good long time before gettting seriously involved, stayed "cordial and nice" with the X.... well, I think there might have been a chance of reconciliation. Maybe only a slim one, but at least possiblity would have been there...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
In the meantime I'm still in shock. This is a woman who has been COMPLETELY CERTAIN for these last 5 years that leaving her husband was the best choice she had ever made. She is the last person I ever expected to have this regret.
Surprisingly, some people actually wake up.
ROT,
I do NOT think these people "wake up"..... I believe it is more accurate to say "fessed up"....... I believe MANY of these people who have As or are WASs know MANY times along the way it is a HUGE mistake.... Yet, IMHO, I believe their pride is soooooooooooooooo inflated.... They cannot go back to their spouse and at least attempt to work things out......
In your good friend's case, I just think she was lying to everyone including herself she was better off without exH.........
I saw a similar thing.... Couple married with two kids... W has A...... Moves in with OM........ Ms OM...... OM starts to physically abuse her....... They D..... W wants to go back to exH.... He tells her no way........
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I think Michelle is right when she says if you are willing to wait it out you can usually get your wife back.
LE,
I don't quite get this....... One is married.... Your spouse Ds you.... Leaves you for someone else......... and later realizes he or she made a mistake..... You really think that person is someone you want to be Med to? The dumba$$ should have realized this BEFORE leaving........
The most important thing I learned is if someone wants to go... Hand them their hat.... and send them on their way...... Life is way too short for that bull....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
RGM.... maybe with some people that's true. Like my husband may have known (even when he insisted he was certain and never admitted feeling otherwise), but I believe my friend was 100% certain, and she never once expressed feelings that she was making a mistake to me or other friends.
When she and her husband were still living together (but had been "separated" for over a year), she even helped him pick out clothes for his first date!!! She had no feelings of jealousy or anger whatsoever. She truly believed she was making a wise decision and felt it was time to "make choices" for herself for once (after spending years doing things for others... a common thing you'll hear from women in MLC).
I think what might make it so hard for these people is it TRULY feels right. And I think they are very good at convincing themselves it is. Unfortunately, it's not until they live through it that they realize the result of their choice and can clearly see what they had.
The lesson you've learned is a good one. If someone wants to go, send them on their way. RMG, did you do that? Are you angry?
You take care too, Running
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I have a "wake up" story...this couple were my ex-in-laws...or more affectionately - my outlaws. LOL!
Anyway here's the short version:
H&W were HS sweethearts, got married at age 19.
Had 3 kids in the next 5 years.
When kids were ages 11, 9, and 7, H left W for the W of a good friend of his. He said all the usual script...not in love with you, don't think I was ever in love with you, blah blah blah.
H did a couple of back and forths, reconcile with wife, then back to OW...finally H&W were divorced for good and W moved on.
For the next 10 years, the H was now stuck with and married to OW, who - as it turned out - is a total alcoholic rager. Nice. H completely destroyed his relationship with his 3 kids. They had previously adored him, now they are all in therapy for the horrible things that happened during the divorce, but also after with OW. All during the affair and divorce, H claimed that the kids would be "just fine" and said things to his W (when she would voice her concerns) like "don't tell me a THING about MY kids...we are tight...this is all your problem, the kids are fine". Again, nice. Time told the truth...the kids are definitely not "fine". He and the OW continued to be horrible to them for several years.
The W moved on and eventually was happy again, remarried, and is doing well. (The whole ordeal, though, as everyone here knows, really shook her to her core).
Finally - H woke up to the extent that he realized he was married to an alcoholic rager, apparently when she received her third DUI and had her license revoked for life, and almost went to prison for assaulting a police officer.
He finally divorced OW after a 10 year ordeal.
Apparently, he also finally fully woke up.
One day he called his ex-wife and told her he was sorry for everything, he knew she had moved on and he was happy for her, he now could see back at what he had done. To my knowledge, he has tried to tell his kids the same, but they are pretty much like "meh, whatever dad, we KNOW who you really are".
The whole story was a nightmare, for all involved, including the H. However, he was the only person in the story who wasn't innocent, the rest of them were so innocent and it just crushed them. Thankfully, they have all recovered as well as possible.
I heard the OW is in really bad shape, drinking herself to death and her own kids have nothing to do with her.
This story should not be seen as a triumphant victory for the victims...just a completely sad story on all angles. :0(
RGM.... maybe with some people that's true. Like my husband may have known (even when he insisted he was certain and never admitted feeling otherwise), but I believe my friend was 100% certain, and she never once expressed feelings that she was making a mistake to me or other friends.
When she and her husband were still living together (but had been "separated" for over a year), she even helped him pick out clothes for his first date!!! She had no feelings of jealousy or anger whatsoever. She truly believed she was making a wise decision and felt it was time to "make choices" for herself for once (after spending years doing things for others... a common thing you'll hear from women in MLC).
I think what might make it so hard for these people is it TRULY feels right. And I think they are very good at convincing themselves it is. Unfortunately, it's not until they live through it that they realize the result of their choice and can clearly see what they had.
The lesson you've learned is a good one. If someone wants to go, send them on their way. RMG, did you do that? Are you angry?
You take care too, Running
ROT,
No, I did not just hand my exW her hat. I told her I wanted to work on our M and go to MC.... I also told her how much I loved her and how much I wanted our M to work. I loved her more each day we were together. I loved her more than I had ever loved any woman. She just wanted to blaze off....
Angry? I am not angry. If I were angry or bitter, it would impact my new wife. I was just very disappointed by what type of woman my exW really was.
I am blessed to be married to a wonderful woman who wants to be a loving, caring and faithful wife. She understands it takes work to make a marriage work. She realizes there will be ups and downs. I love her heart so much.
My exW, even at 36 years old, grasped none of that. Do I think she will "wake up?" I would bet my life she will. Will she tell anyone? I doubt it. She is too prideful.
I believe she will at least regret not giving our M of over 12 years a chance.... Yet, she has to live with how she treated me, what she did and how she violated her marriage vows and her Christian beliefs.... Those are her issues...
I am living my life to the fullest...... New W..... New car.... Two cute little dogs.... Great job... Moving into a new 2200 sq ft home soon.... Going back to get my credits for the CPA (I already have a BS and a Masters).... I am likely going to be starting a medical software business with a doctor friend of mine...... God has so blessed me....
Oh, yeah! The exW is living in a small Brady Bunch house she bought for her and OM......... I am sure when she falls asleep at night she realizes it was all worth it....
Take Care,
RMG
Last edited by RMG; 09/24/0802:01 AM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
