As I mentioned in my last post I have been very contemplative of late. I realised that I have less self esteem now than just a few months after H left. In fact I think I am probably back where I was just before he left!
I know some of the reasons why. Some I can alter again some I can't.
I've always had low esteem of body image (even when I was a teenager) and when I lost so much weight when H left it actually felt good to be slim again. I know when I look back at the photos from that time that I was too gaunt but little by little I've put most of it back on again and although I am a slightly different shape I am back to struggling to find clothes that I feel attractive and nice in. The proverbial 3 baby tummy is my main demon! I can try and get the weight back in check but it is hard especially when D13 is going through a junk food stage right now.
The other thing that I made myself do once I'd got over the initial pain of loosing H was to go out and force myself to meet new people. That has also dropped off considerably this year. There are a couple of reasons the main one being that I made two really good friends and didn't feel the compulsion to be meeting 'strangers' all the time. However these two lovely ladies seem to have moved on with thier lives for one reason or another and whilst we are still friends I don't see as much of them so I am feeling very lonely again. So I have resolved to try and do more with the social networking club I joined nearly 2 years ago. I obviously have to balance this with my financial situation at the moment and the fact that once D18 goes to uni D13 will be home alone if I go out but I think I can (and should) manage a night out once a month. We will see how it goes.
I think I've found a temporary solution to my financial worries but how long it will be sufficient once D18 starts uni I've no idea. I've also no idea how I will pay my Ls fees once the D is done and dusted (if H ever puts the papers in).
I know the advice here has always been 'make it about you' and in the main I have tried to do this but now I really need to do this for my own sanity.
I'm lonely not just for friends but for a partner. This is a real struggle for me as I don't see how I can say I am standing for my M if I date. Don't get me wrong I haven't been looking for dates and there certainly haven't been any offers but as time goes on it does cross my mind more and more. I know im my head I've let go of H, we never communicate on anything now unless he rings up to shout at me about something or other. At this point I hang up as I'm not allowing him to emotionally abuse me anymore but I know in my heart he is still there and probably always will be. I've even started to wear my wedding ring and engagement ring on the left hand again. Confusion most definately rules the day here I don't know whether I have hope anymore or if this has just become a battle that I feel I must win (I know I won't).
Anyway it's time to leave the sadness behind and look to a brighter, happier future (whatever that may look like). I need your help with that as those of you who are 'regulars' on my thread will know I stumble and fall very easily.
I hope you will continue to be there to catch me when I fall.
Thank you
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
what i did was to get in touch with people i was friends with prior to my marriage. it was after i was married that i had lost my friends as i had other things going on--a husband who would get upset when the phone would ring and i would talk, having four babies one right after the other and so on.
when h moved out, i made it a point to get in touch with my old friends and that has helped me so much.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Thanks MWG. Unfortunately I have lost all contact with the friends I had before I was married. Most of them still live in the town where I am from but it is 90 miles away from where I have made my home with H and the kids. The friends that I made whilst in the M were mostly friends of Hs (and thier wives) and sadly they took sides with H either immediatley or shortly after he left so that's not an option either.
To be frank I've always been a bit of loner and I know I am not the easiest person to get to know.
I've already taken steps today to set of my rediscovery of myself. I've booked a night at a ceilidh with the social networking group in mid september and I've booked onto a card making class on saturday in October. They will be using a die cut machine that I am very tempted to buy (when I can afford it) so I thought it would be a good excuse to have a play with one before I made my mind up. I also took up the offer of a cup of tea with one of my neighbours even though I should really have stayed home to study! I've been by myself all day again and I hate the silence so thought the conversation would do me good. After I had been there a few mins D13 TMd me asking if she could stay at a friend's house tonight so that me even more glad that I had accepted as that now means I will have the rest of the day completely by myself. I just need to learn some discipline when it comes to studying to make good use of the time
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
H has organised a birthday party for MIL to which he has invitied D13 (D18 couldn't go she is already at a party in London with her BF). Now you might think so what there is nothing different about that.
Well actually there is. You see MILs bday is 23 Dec! Both my girls have queried why then is H having a party for her on Aug 31st? His response: MIL has never really had proper presents or a party for her bday with it being so close to Christmas. Now if he were doing this for one of our children I would think this was a very kind and noble gesture but this woman is nearly 73yrs old.
D13 asked if she could take a friend and was told no as there wouldn't be room as there are already 12-13 people going. Interestingly if D18 had been able to go her BF was invited. So there we have two places that should have been filled. Also S16 won't be there as he will be at work and so I assume that means his GF will also not be there. So there we have another 2 places. The only other children there besides D13 will be her cousins who are 6 and 4 and therefore not really any company for her. She knows that BIL and SIL will automatically assume that she will look after my nephews and she doesn't want to do this.
I was under the impression that I was dropping her off at the party but D18 said that H is under the impression that he is picking her up from here. That in itself will be interesting. I intend to stay in my bedroom studying if he does turn up and then hopefully that way he will see that I do not want to argue with him anymore. I'm more concerned with how D13 is going to get home as I have been invited out to dinner by one of my girlfriends and so won't be home.
As I said an interesting day.
On Friday I sent H an email about an acquaintance of S16s. This is the boy he was with when he got arrested last year. This boy had been sent to a different part of the country to live with relatives (which was a huge relief for me) but has now been allowed to return home. I only found this out when I had tea with my neighbour on Friday. She was concerned b/c her son (who is 17 and just passed his driving test) and my son had apparently gone camping overnight last Sunday (i didn't know anything about this) and when they returned her son told her that this third boy had also joined them. They were not pleased as they too have reasons not to like and trust this boy. Anyway my email was just to pass this information onto H (as I suspect my S16 has also been economical with the truth). I always attach read receipts to my emails now as H never replies. As expected I got a read receipt but no message, no thank you, no yes I already knew thank you. NOTHING. Is it any wonder that our S16 feels caught up in all of this?
D18 came out with a VERY interesting fact about OW yesterday. Apparently she calls MIL 'Mum'. I have never done this as I wasn't comfortable with it (my SIL doesn't call her mum either). So it is no wonder that MIL gives off the impression that OW is the best thing since sliced bread. Talk about the subtleties of manipulation. Please don't let anyone convince you that OW are the innocent party they are not. They know exactly what they are doing and how to achieve thier objectives.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
ow calls her mum? Geesh, that would never fly with my inlaws. She is not even welcome into their home let alone their lives.
That ow has her nerve but a birthday party now???? This does not make much sense but it should be interesting to hear all of the details afterwards.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
A, I find it extremely odd that your h has organized a birthday part for his mother on the last day of August. Like you pointed out...she's 73 years old. Unless, of course, he feels guilty for neglecting her over the years and thinks she's likely to pass away in the next year. That is so strange! I feel for your daughter and I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to go to a party and not have anyone my own age there. Yes, she's right...she would be expected to look after the little ones. That so ruins the fun of attending such events.
Yes, the op are very manipulating and know just what buttons to push to become the "cream of the crop" w/the parents of the walkaway spouses. Such a shame that they can't see the light of day for what they are all about.
If your h does come by to pick your daughter, stay up in your room and/or another part of the house. You do not need to be mistreated by him.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As far as I know my MIL is in perfectly good health (or as good as it can be when you're nearly 73). She has just discovered she has osteoporosis but this was due to proactivity on her part not a fall as usually happens. So I don't see this a being a reason for the party.
As for neglecting her that really made me laugh b/c if he neglected anyone it was ME! When FIL died he took it upon himself to become his mother's keeper (not that she needed one). I got pregnant with D18 the day we buried FIL and the first 6 months of my pregnancy were spent going to work during the day and spending every evening at MILs. We went there straight from work and consequently always had both our cars there. I expected us to be constantly with her for the first few weeks but when I got to be 6 months pregnant I simply said to H 'if you wish to spend your evening with your mother that is fine but I am six months pregnant, I stand on my feet all day at work and I just want to be able to relax in my own home at night. Added to that there are a million and one things that I need to do to prepare for the birth of the baby. I truely believe that if I had not made this semi-stand he would still be spending every evening with her now. Everywhere we went and everything we did with the kids MIL came/did to. She never came on holiday with us but I'm sure she would've done if we had invited her. Please bear in mind that she remarried within 27 months of FIL dying so it's not like she was lonely (although it turns out the M has been a disaster!) Quite simply there is nothing that my H will not do for his mother. I don't know for sure that he still behaves in the same way as when we were together but if he is MIL will come first every time over every partner he will ever have.
D13 was delaying going to the party. I didn't hassle her I just said let me know when you are ready. It started at 2.30pm and H rang at 2.45pm to say 'I thought your mum was supposed to be bringing you to the party'. D13 explained we were just on our way. Now again I remind you that this a party for an adult and correct me if I'm wrong but nobody wants to be the first to arrive to an adult party do they?
D13 fell about laughing when I pulled up at Hs flat b/c he had blown up balloons and hung them up outside his front door. We used to do this for our children so that their friends from school who did not routinely come to our house knew where the party was. I think my H is missing being a parent and is using MIL as a surrogate. Does anyone else agree with me?
Have to go now as i really should be studying
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Just wanted to say Hi and that I am thinking of you. (((HUGS)))
PS: I must say that the baloons don't look too bad to me. Where I live they often put them up for adult parties and white ones for weddings. The other day they even put cards on the baloons and let them go. Sometimes baloons are also tied to posts to show the way to a place. But I don't know what the custom is in your place.
I guess your H just wanted to make the place look colourful with the baloons.
A, Has your h regressed back to 6 yrs old? Balloons outside his front door? I would have laughed myself had I witnessed that. Do you ever recall him talking about having such parties as a child or him doing something like this for mommy dearest as a child? This is far far out of the ordinary for a grown man to do such things for an "older" woman.
He's never really separated himself from mommy dearest. I'm surprised that he even married and had children. The reason I say this is that he must have had a lot of guilt about leaving her behind when he married you. It had to be tough on him to separate his feelings for you and her. There's definitely something missing in his life if he has to have her that close in his life, even still today.
I suspect he played the companion role to his mommy and not the role of son. He may have "replaced" his father in his mother's life when his father passed away. I've seen this happen before and it's very difficult for them to break that bond.
Well, I do hope the party was a success and no one busted those balloon! All you can do is shake your head and have a good laugh when you think about those balloons!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know whether I have hope anymore or if this has just become a battle that I feel I must win (I know I won't).