Another one joins the flock (III)

[Mike85]

It's amazing how little things impact you.

W and OM took off for the infamous week-long camping trip (the one that W had tried getting me to let our kids go on also) after dropping off the kids. Our youngest (age 3) was covered in mud from playing with W's puppy outside and needed a bath. After I bathed the kid, he decided to dress himself, including donning an old fraternity hat. Looked danged cute, so I snapped a camera phone pic and sent it to W.

It bounced - "Invalid address"

I tried again, same result.

Tried texting W to tip her off about the apparent glitch. It bounced. "Invalid address"

??????

I called her to tell her that the pic and texting was bouncing, and got her voicemail.

I'm a novice to the whole cell phone tech scene, so I figured that her "inbox" was full or something. Then a friend suggested that maybe she was having stuff from me blocked. That made no sense to me, especially after the great bonding weekend we had just had, but I thought that maybe OM got W to do it b/c he was unhappy with how much W and I communicate and had bonded. Hell, for all I knew, he had blamed his bender that past weekend on feeling threatened by me.

Yep, my mind started playing games with me after my friend's suggestion. I got into a slight funk. I know, I know. Stupid.

I should have known better. Even if my friend was right, I shouldn't have let it get to me and instead trusted in the rapport that W and I had built to this point.

Sure enough, W called me today to respond to my voicemail. She had been busy getting ready for her trip and having fun and finally remembered to call back. Turns out that all the text messages and pics I and her mom sent to her managed to drive our cell phone account to over $300 (W didn't realize that of the three phones on our account, only HER phone had the free texting), so she had it turned off on my phone and MIL's phone. She had meant to tell me on Friday, but well, that was when the hysterical emotional "fun" of last weekend hit.

I told her, jokingly, that I though she was having me blocked. She laughed and said that, no, if I wanted to turn texting back on, she could do it, but that I'd have to be willing to pay for it... and besides, she'd rather that I just... call and TALK to her.

Wow. That little offhand statement made me realize what an idiot I was for letting a friend's comment get me into an unwarranted funk, but it also made me feel SO much better overall. I'd been using texting as a way to communicate with W in a "distancing" way. Turns out that she'd rather actually have a conversation involving our actual voices. No abbreviations, no emoticons, just us.

I may seem like I've got it together with the DB stuff sometimes, but I'm just as prone to the mental paranoia and funks as the next newbie. I've still got a ways to go.

At least this episode had an "up" gist to it...

[brandnewday]

Oh Mike,
We all do that......
We allow our minds to spin and it sets us off in the worst way.
Every single time something wierd would happen, I always assumed the worst.

One time there was a knock at my door and it was Fed Ex.
I automatically "knew" it was the Divorce papers.
I was literally shaking!
It turned out to be the wrong address.

Don't let the Monsters in your head come out to play!!!

If she wants to "talk" rather then text, I think we could call that progress!!!!

A baby step or a milestone!!!


(((((((hugs)))))))

[Mike85]

BND:

Thanks.

It is easy to get into the "mental death spiral," isn't it? Reading too much -usually negative- into some offhand statement or gesture made by MLC spouse. Sometimes I'm able to pull out of the emotional nosedive by trying to more logically look at the situation and realize what is *truly* there as opposed to what I *read into* it.

Yesterday the kids and I put up the new tent we bought (oldest son has a Webelos campout in about 2 weeks) in the backyard. Couldn't get youngest kid into the idea of testing it out by sleeping in it. We did try out the portable firepit we also bought. It took half an hour for us to get a steady fire going, but it was worth it - nice warm, mellow fire, suitable for roasting marshmallows. Didn't think of W at all until kids mentioned how it would be fun to do again as a family, with W joining us. Smiled and agreed with them. We wound up going to bed all smelling like hot dogs.

W and OM come back from their camping trip tomorrow evening. Will see W that night when she picks up kids for the weekend. No expectations, no worries, no projections. That's my goal.

[Mike85]

Gotta love kids.

W called to say that she and OM wouldn't be by to get the kids this evening, since their route back from camping was full of construction and detours. We chatted about my experience yesterday fitting oldest son's football helmet to his head. He kept fidgeting to watch TV when I was adjusting his chin strap, with the result being that his chin strap became a "cheek strap" several times. Had wife laughing, which continued when I described son's suited-up peers as looking like an army of the Great Gazoo.

W wanted to talk to S, and when he tried describing what play he was doing in practice, I had to feed him his position (wide receiver) and the position he was blocking in the play (cornerback).

W tried getting S to describe the play to OM, since "he used to play football when he was younger," but S would have none of it.

S told W that "daddy watches a lot of football NOW and probably knows the stuff better."

I had to leave the room to laugh.

So much for W's attempt to get S to "bond" with OM.

I love my kids. A couple of months ago, my youngest son saw OM without a shirt on, gasped, and told him that he was "fat."

Between S's comment today and my Bills looking darned good in their preseason game in Toronto (sorry, steelersfan...), it's been a pretty good 24 hours.

[Mike85]

Well, I did my "homework" and spent the day and most of the night alone.

It wasn't too bad. After W picked up the kids (got that hug and kiss, despite OM being able to see us), I picked up a book that the library had on hold for me, and spent some time reading. As soon as it became dinner time, I grilled a couple of boneless pork chops and yellow squash. The kids wouldn't eat 'em, I love 'em, so I decided to indulge myself.

Watched some preseason football, read, cleaned up the pockets of entropy that my beloved offspring left for me.

Next thing you know, it was time to hit the hay. Did my litany of prayers ("Hedge" and some of the others folks have posted here) and fell asleep.

I would obviously MUCH prefer to have W and kids in the house with me, or be out with friends, but it was nice to realize that I wouldn't freak out if I was home alone all night.

Felt compelled to go to church this morning, and dontcha know that the Gospel reading from Matthew mentioned the Canaanite woman pestering Jesus for her daughter's healing and getting it as a reward for her persistence and faith in Him. Persistence and faith. A message I needed to hear to start off my week.

[Mike85]

Went to bed early (10:30) last night, after doing the full litany of prayers and then reading my SW book.

Got up early, prayed some more, and then went to my new district. I still don't have keys yet to my room, so I went to the h.s. office to borrow the secretary's master key. While in the main office, my new boss introduced me to a veteran teacher and described their getting me from my old district like getting "Brett Favre is his PRIME" (it's a VERY football-oriented school district). DANG but that made me feel good. Spent several hours in my new classroom getting the place decorated and making it my own. Felt freaking great. Only left b/c I had to take my cat to the vet for her rabies & distemper shots.

After bringing a very pissed-off cat back home, I spent an hour and a half floating in my pool, swigging some good Canadian beer and listening to the Tragically Hip. I actually, for some reason in my blissful state, decided to pray. I thanked God for the wonderful day, thanked Him for W, and asked that she open her heart to Him and to me soon. No anger, no sadness, ... just a peaceful request. For some reason, I got the deep, strong feeling that this is doable... that God will give me the patience, the strength, the wisdom, the faith, etc. to see this through and that W will return.

For a "science guy," spiritual epiphanies are a weird thing.

But they feel so good.

[Mike85]

Even seemingly minor prayers get answered...

The kids and I were bopping around the house yesterday morning, nothing really on the schedule. Figured that I might swing by my classroom again, kids in tow (it's not hard for two kids to occupy themselves in a science classroom...).

Out of the blue, we get a call from son's best friend. He and his parents were going to Chuck E. Cheese and wanted us to come. Wound up spending 2+ hours running amuck in C.E.C., and then we hit a sporting goods store for football equipment needed by our older sons. Their son wanted to come home with us to play and for dinner (sloppy joes...his fave). Got home, kids and I played, I made dinner, drove the kids to their football practice.

Son's friend's parents (who I met through W, but now they're friends with me) plopped their camp chairs next to mine. Great two hours watching our goofy kids trying to look like football players. Comic gold. Neither of our sons quite get how to properly tackle - they look like they're trying to dance (or mount) with the tackling dummies.

Despite making a point of my not discussing W and OM all day, my friends chose to bring them up (they went camping together last week and live next door to them). Turns out that W and OM are bickering. A lot. Publicly. And often in front of my kids and friends' kids. OM's unwillingness to interact with kids is a growing sore spot, as is his fiscal irresponsibility, unwillingness to deal with housework, and oh yeah...him going on a bender and abandoning W forty miles from home. The female friend stated OM's bender involved something significantly worse than just drinking, and that it is still a major issue between W and OM. I didn't ask what occurred.

My friends soon realized that I really didn't want to discuss W and OM, although I jokingly thanked them for the update. I reiterated how much I love W, how I've forgiven her, how I pray daily for her return, and how I will welcome her back. The male friend told me that I was "goofy", but his wife got all misty and told me I was "amazing." She and W used to be thick as thieves before the current insanity, and they still hang out (albeit awkwardly) once in a while, so there's a better than fair chance that my words and/or sentiments may be relayed. That wasn't my intention, but it probably can't hurt.

After football practice, we all headed to our respective homes. Kids and I ate mint chocolate chip ice cream and watched "Meerkat Manor - Season One" on DVD. Next thing you know, it was time for bed.

A day that started with no agenda and me desperate to fill it turned into an insanely busy time with friends and good times.

[Mike85]

One thing I've been thinking about after perusing some other people's threads...

I'm wondering if it's just my perception or if there has been a change in the drift of the kind of advice people have been giving/getting? The name of the site is "Divorcebusting.com," yet some people seem awfully quick on the trigger when it comes to telling someone asking for advice "it's over." It seems that some people giving this advice see "DivorceBusting" as primarily about saving the individual poster, and well, if the marriage happens to be restored... that's a nice bonus.

That is disheartening to me and seems to twist what DBing is supposed to be about.

I've had old, dear friends give me advice that basically consisted solely of "if she's cheating on you, it's completely over, so protect yourself and file now..." They claim to be there for me, but after longer discussions, it turns out that they'll "support" me if and only if I buy into their pessimistic, cynical, "real world" solutions. They pooh-pooh my being friends with W and all the progress we have made. They tell me that even if W and I reconcile, that they'll never be able to forgive my W for what she did to me and that they'll probably never be able to talk to her/look at her the same way again. They also often look at my resurgent devotion in faith and prayer as a mere coping mechanism (or, as one friend put it, "a crutch").

My response to them: I thank them for their candor and then, regretfully, drop them.

At least my friends weren't members of this board and thus nominally/ostensibly in full support of saving marriages (aka "divorce busting"). I can get past their attitudes in some ways because I didn't necessarily assume that they were part of a group committed to saving marriages. Reading advice similar to theirs from posters here, however, I find disturbing.

I am DBing primarily to save my marriage - not to save me. If I wind up a better, more whole person in the process, THAT is the bonus, IMNSHO.

End of rant.

[craig54]

Mike,


I understand your concerns. Like your friends , you have to pick and choose whose advice you will read and try to put into action.
You have to listen to that still small voice of God. Not everyone will understand our stand.Because I am also trying to save my marriage, but in the process I have grown spiritually and found how much the Lord loves me, even when I runaway from him.

We have no control on how our wives behave, sometimes it hurts like hell. So don't be too disheartened, keep db'ing for you and your marriage. Control what you can control, and give the Lord the rest.

[Mike85]

craig:

I hear ya.

It wasn't really that hard to drop the friends who refused to support my standing for my marriage - our conversations had gotten to a point where it was very easy to decide that listening to them would be toxic to my attitudes and efforts.

Like sgctxok brings up in another thread (I'd link it, but the server seems to be wonky today), figuring out when to look at the glass as half full is part of the technique. Sometimes it's hard enough to not dwell on the negatives (real or imagined) without naysayers adding to the problem. There have been so many times that friends and family have given me the "it's over, see a lawyer" spiel only because they don't want to see me suffer, only making me feel worse. Those words and sentiments are, contrary to their beliefs, NOT supportive.

All my friends see/hear is that W is still with OM. I'll admit that this is a negative, as is W's low self-esteem and new smoking habit.

What I've seen/heard/lived through in the last 3 months:
- W going from seething hatred of me to a growing friendship
- W going from describing my touch as "making her skin crawl" to us sharing hugs and friendly kisses
- W being smacked in the head with a reality check when alcoholic OM abandoned her forty miles from home and didn't call for over 24 hours
- W reaching out to me when no one else could/would help her, and me responding with support and love and no strings
- W telling me during the aforementioned incident that I was an "amazing man," telling one of her female friends that I am a "great friend," and asking me how it feels to know that when she is in a true crisis, she always comes to ME
- Reports from my kids, my in-laws, and our mutual friends about the increase in public bickering btw W and OM. I take the reports cautiously, but it is obvious that their honeymoon is already fading.
- a growing, strengthening bond btw my sons and myself... while the OM has made a specific point of telling W that he's just not into kids
- a reclaiming of the wonderful, loving, mutually-supportive relationship with my in-laws
- a rekindling of my faith in God and all that goes with it; I have gone back to prayer, learned to be patient as God works in my W's life as well as mine, learned to forgive W, and have realized how much I missed my connection to God.
- a growing inner strength and confidence as I learned to run the household by myself, deal with childcare by myself, and easily snagged a better job in a better school district that is incredibly enthusiastic about my joining them.

... and yet, I had friends who didn't want to hear any of this and still wanted me to file for D, sue for full custody of the kids, and then go tomcatting.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - both optimism and pessimism are self-fulfilling, so I choose the former.