FG~ I'm not nearly afraid now as I once was of a D...we live two separate lives. I know I can live without him...life is just better with him...I want to be able to say, I exhausted every option, I tried...as of now...I didn't try...I simply walked away. It seemed like anytime last summer things started to perk up...he would back away...i'm not saying that this is going to work, maybe it's not meant to for a reason....at the end, i just want to be able to say, I loved/love him, i know what i did when I walked was wrong, but i pulled out all the stops when I tried to save/rebuild/restore the R/M
hugs c
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Hi there, well, my old computer went crashing down on me and I have gone several days without it. Came into work early just so I could get on line to tell you that I have not forgotten about you....in fact, thought about you a lot over the past few days and wondering what Forrest was going to come up with to advise you. Anyway, sure hope I can get my computer out of the shop today and back home and I can get back to doing whatever it was were were doing....lol.
I agree that the "pool" subject should be dropped by you. You have thrown the ball back in his court when you said you would do whatever he wanted. So, just leave it alone until he decides what he wants to do about it.
Seeing the activities that he enjoys doing (as well as yourself) it would be very hard to find much time for that......since you work the hours you do. You would certainly have to set up your off days as a "date" to work those kinds of things into your schedule. Hopefully, the two of you will be in a R where you will be able to do that again.
I was watching a TV program this morning (since I couldn't sleep) and her a preacher talking to another preacher and his wife about MR. He said the biggest mistake women make in M is by expecting their H's to act like women would act in any given stiutation. Then he went on to talk some more about the differences between the two sexes. One think he said that we have hear a lot about on this board it how important it is that woman tell their men exactly what it is they want. In fact, they have to spell it out to them and to tell them more than once. Well, that surprised me, b/c I had read thirty-five years ago that if you told a man something more than "once"....then you were "nagging" him! So, what is a girl to do? He said a man doesn't actually let it soak in the first time he is told. I don't know about that. May be interesting to see how some of the other men feel about that. I know that my father told me something to do or not to do....one time and one time only. If I did not abide by those instruction, then I paid the consequences for it. So, when I had my children, I continued that type of child rearing. However, I never thought that I would need to tell a grown man do to something more than once. In fact, my H finds it an insult if I tell him more than once. He thinks I am putting him down and treating him like a dunce. So, I think that part may be debatable. Don't know how I got off into all of that except it was freh on my mind.
Regarding what Forrest had to say, I would listen to him about your H. B/c it is hard as hard for us to understand the thought process of a man as it is to understand the female. As he said, it will take more than one of us working together to figure this out.
Anyway, hopefully, I will get to talk to you tonight. Hope you have a good day.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i'm just going to jump in here, and address the Ask A Man To Do Something topic only. If necessary, someone can correct me.
Asking a man to do something and being very specific about it is very important. Do it. Give us times, colors, size, etc etc. Work out a schedule, and offer to help.
But wording is key. Women seem to ask using different words than what we hear. My W says "Tell me how to do X". This is not asking us to do it, its asking for instructions, and you'll probably get instructions. Thats what i did/do - big mistake.
If you want your bathroom painted, say something like: "can you help me paint my bathroom this weekend? How long do you think it'll take? I'd like to paint it green, can we go out Friday and pick a color and buy the tools, I have an idea but i'm not sure of the brand. What do we need to prep? maybe we can do that some night before that. Then Saturday we'll start early and etc etc"
This way you hit all the important keys - you need his advice, you need his expertise, his scheduling prowess, you need his shopping skills, and you'll work together on this so you'll be spending time together. Afterwards, reward him for his work, take him out for drinks, etc.
Then if you need to remind him/ask him again, do it in a way that is more like following up on the subject. "Have you thought about what we need to do for painting? can I pick something up? can we make a list of what we need to buy/do?"
This way you're not asking again, you're continuing on the first request.
Just my thoughts, best of luck. maybe this should be posted in the Men 101 thread?
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hey Ken, just to add to what you said, the program I watched this morning also said that women needed to "reward" their H's for good behavior.......in so many words. I also read in another book about how women reward men for their bad behavior and do not even realize it. Neither one referred to sex as a reward....which I do not think people should do....but that is just me. I think enjoying each other and sharing in the rewarding time, if you will, could certainly lead to sex, but I don't believe in rewarding nor punishing with the use or lack of sex. Anyway, enough of that.....what I really wanted you or some other men to talk a little more about, if Christan doesn't mind, is how do W's talk to their H's and tell them exactly what they want them to do without sounding like they are mothering them? Where do you draw the line until it becomes nagging? As I said before, I had heard that to a man, if you tell him more than one time....he considers it "nagging". So, now men are saying that we have to be specific in what we say and to tell them more than once.....according to what the man on TV said this morning. Can you expound on that a little more?
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ken~ Thanks for stopping by, manput/manswers...love it!! They are always welcome and appreciated hugs to you!!
Sandi...glad your computer is back in working order!! Nice to "see" you back in my neck of the woods!!! LOL!!
Work was hectic today, I had a shared load with an LPN. We had 12 patients at the start of the day...we should have only had 7 or 8...it was chaos to say the least. we managed to make our way threw...and nothing too crazy happend, thank God, for small favors!!
My work schedule is more chaotic now, because I choose it to be so. I use work as a distraction from my "crazy mess." Plus going from a dual income, down to just me...I had to adjust my wicked ways!! And learn, Coach purses weren't a necessity!!! BIG BUMMER!!! Now I buy knock off Coach purses at purse sales...not nearly as fun!! But more in my budget!!! hehehe...don't even ask about my shoe budget...God, how I miss shoes!!! Dang mortgage payment....oh well, I still have nice things...just had to learn moderation...a word I was not at all used to!!! Anyway....so hopefully(being positive here) when things move in a better direction, I can lay off of the work thing a bit. Go down to 3 12's and maybe a 4 hour shift....H works 5 day's a week anyway...so he's pretty busy thru the week.
I would deffinetly like some "manput" on how to ask for things without sounding naggy or mother henny. These were things that were brought up last summer when he and I were getting along better. He said one mother was enough. He didn't need me nagging all the time. I think/feel the meds have cut my anxiety down a ton...which helps, most of it was anxiety driven....nagging about small things....that didn't really matter at the end of the day.
FG~
I'm ready to go on with the plan...just am nervous I may be another "girl"...starting with a beginners mind here. The PIA chases him; I know this (i won't tell you how...but i know..fact). I am ok with chasing...but don't want to just be "another chick"...I know it is my personality and me that has to offset this. I get that...just don't want him messing with my head anymore...so i'm trying to get prepared....FG... need manput here. I completely understand that no plan is ever going to 100% be guaranteed to work...i still may end up going thru a big D...and that's ok too...i just want the best odds a girl can ask for!!
"I still think his anger is centered on your prior actions.. that means he is still thinking about you. That's good and bad."
Will you elaborate on this one please!! I get he is angry because I WA, he is angry because I filed...do you think it still has something to do with when we were dating?? Anger is an emotion that someone has hurt you, hurt=feelings, feelings are generally good...what's the bad...or should i ask?
thanks friends hugs to all christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Ok, here are my thoughts/opinions/conjecture on this "how to ask a man..." business.
I don't think it's a formula. I don't think there is a magic turn of a phrase that makes everything click in a man's mind. Of course, one can make some generalizations about how men act and think but I don't think that gets you very far.
To be honest, I think that this has nothing to do with a lack of communication; I think people communicate freakishly well no matter how accidental it is. Our perception tends to filter out that which makes us anxious; people avoid being aware of sending out negative message just as people avoid being aware of what those negative messages mean. The question then becomes do both parties really know what they are communicating. Is spouse A fully aware of what is being sent out and is B fully aware of what they are reacting to.
If you are asking many times for the same thing or 'nagging', why are you doing that (and "because I want xyz' is not an answer). If you are refusing to do something even though a person is reminding you or 'nagging', why are you refusing?
The way people interact can be very rigid and inflexiable and there is a reason why. The responsiblity lies on us as individuals to be more self-reflective and more self-aware; to see these patterns, in an effort to be a more flexible but a more solid person.
So, all that to say, until a man truely understands himself and why he acts in certains ways, nothing you do will be satisfying. You will either continue to act rigidly for reasons that are unknown to you and be bitter that you are not getting results. Or you will violate yourself and change all in an effort to make your man do what you want because you NEED this to be so for YOUR functioning. So first, I guess, figure out what it is that you want and why you want it and allow and hope that your man will be doing the same. And know that self-discovery is a tough journey. Once on this path you can communicate in a way that is truely you and not worry about whether or not something is 'getting across', or you have the choice to change and try to use different tactics of communicating, knowing this isn't really you or your style, but out of love and self-sacrifce you are willing to be flexible because you WANT to connect with your man.
One path leads to the freedom to connect with your man and the other leads to your enslavement to your man, his emotional state, and responses.
If you want to know the answer to 'what way is the best way to communicate with your man', he will have to tell you. If he can't and you need him to get a message that you are sending, ask what it is that you need and why you need him to provide it for you.
So...those are some thoughts...
My Story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1512790&page=1#Post1512790
Good morning Christarn. Don't have much to say (shock!) but still waiting to hear more from the men. But you were talking about hurt=feelings, which is generally good and you wanted to know what was the bad. My answer to that is "indifference". When they have no feelings one way or the other for you. Anger, hurt, etc. are a type of reaction to passion (I think), where indifference......you might as well hang it up b/c you've lost the battle.
I still wonder if he is reacting to the "fear" he sees in you reacting from his anger.....if he has never physically hurt you, then that would probably make him angry that you would be "afraid" of him when you never took anything off anyone else. Plus, his ego was very bruised when you WA, and I think it takes some men a very long time to get over being angry from that. I'm sure I've already said this, but I think some of his "acting out" has been a result of his bruised ego and anger. However, it does seem that after all this time, he would be cooling down a bit. Still playing therapist here.
So, glad that you meds are beginning to work for you. I for one, certainly can relate to how bad you can feel trying to hold it together (especially on a job) when you feel like your entire world is falling apart.
Anyway, hope today goes better. Don't take on more than you can handle as far as pulling extra shifts for the paycheck. You've got to have some time for you. You know what they say about all work and no play. Come to think of it, that has pretty much been my life for quite some time! Not good.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll try to answer this, good distraction, head is spinning today, had a real bad R morning.
as far as rewards, they dont have to be sex, they can be anything, sex is great though. going back to the bathroom analogy, when its done, stand back, lean against your H's chest so he can hug you and admire his work.
compliment his abilities, his craftmanship, his going out of his way for you. recognize he may have had other plans for his day, but gave that time to you.
one or more of these is good, you dont need to do all all the time. depends on the size of the task.
for small things, a sincere thanks and a peck on the cheek is great. a big hug from behind is nice.
during sex, look up and say, "by the way, this little extra is for helping me the other day."
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
hugs to you!!