Don't know if this will help in your situation. The first couple I know who got divorced and back together: He had an affair and they divorced. She dated and he was still with OW. I was a kid so I really don't remember how long they were apart but they remarried, had a child and that was at least 34 years ago.
The 2nd couple have not remarried but are living together. I believe he had an affair, he wasn't very good about paying bills but good about racking them up. She was hurt and angry. They were divorced about a year when her grandmother died. He was there for her and it brought them back together. She said they needed the time apart to grow and let go of the anger and disaapointment that they had. They are now trying to have a baby.
Hope this helps you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat727 those are very good examples of what most couples will go through if they get back together after divorcing. It is very obvious in their cases and most cases of couples getting back together after a D that they did not make the changes that are necessary and face or fix the issues that led to their divorces in the first place. Changes have to be made. A divorce is nothing more then a piece of paper. It fixes nothing. If a marriage was broke before the D it is still be broke after the D. (Guy metaphor)If I do not care for and maintain my car (change the fluids, put in a new battery, do preventative maintenance, etc) then overtime the car will stop working and fail (just like our marriages). If I wash my car, buy it a new air freshener and some seat covers (buy my wife flowers, jewelry, clothes, etc.) is that going to fix the car? If I sell the car to get rid of it (get a divorce) does that fix the car? If someone else buys the car will it automatically be fixed? If I put the car up for sale, but then decide to keep it (get divorced/separated but then remarry or get back together) does that fix the car? The car has to be repaired in order for it to work. WE HAVE to be repaired before our current and future relationships can work. Now get to fixing.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
These couples did change. They just didn't do it while married. They were too angry, too hurt, too whatever to work on what needed to be fixed.
I am the fixer in my family and that should scare anyone that I do even tinker here and there with my car. My H is not a fixer. I stepped up and became one because he never did. Now I am stepping back and "letting" him fix the mess he has made with our kids. He has to build up those skills and my stepping in isn't going to do it.
Maybe once he has gotten more comfortable with this fixing stuff he will turn it even further and start working on himself and his issues, because until then, there won't be an us.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I completely agree with Kat....I believe I am in that situation that was described with the second couple. My D will be two years this month. My XFIL is very sick and will not be with us for much longer. I am actually suprised he has hung on this long (untreatable bone cancer). I see my XW and I getting back together when his passing happens. I have tried to stay friends with her through all of this but I believe it will take some major life event for that to happen.
I agree, sometimes people need time apart to grow and to learn about themselves. That is one thing that I am thankful for with the D. Don't wish it upon anyone, but it has been a learning experience.
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
I am devistated today! W called crying saying she couldn't go to coaching or our date tonight. Didn't give a reason and I didn't ask as I don't want her to feel pressured. Told her I was here for her when she is ready to talk and I will listen. Today is her birthday and we have had this date planned all week. She seem excited about going to both coaching and the date up until today. I hop this is just a bump in the road and not the end. I worry about her but am giving her the space to contact me when she wants to talk. :((
I guess should have updated this last week. Later that day she called me to come out to the house. She was crying in bed so I stayed until she calmed down. Gave her a set of movies for her birthday so I put one in for her to watch and calm her down. When she calmed down I went to the resturant to pick up her other gift I had staged there. Got back to house and gave it to her. This must of made her very happy as she started talking and started to kiss me. First kiss in months. Ended up spending the night watching movies and talking. Was the best time we have had in months. Spent the next few days out there doing stuff that needed to be done. This has been the closest we have been in a very long time. She even mentioned that she wants to have a future with me and that we will be back together. This has been the most upbeat I have been in months. She also started to do the homework and CD's for the coaching and went with me last night. She seemed to enjoy it, after dinner we got together to finnish up homework from this week. This week we will be spending four days together. I have seen huge changes in just the past week. She is much more open and trusting of me. Much more oped with me when she talks. We still have a long way to go but have a great start. FIL was in town and was able to spend time with him. Nice to have one of her parents on my side. We will see how this week goes. If we make as much progress this week as last week I will be very happy, however any progress will be good.
