I have read so much I sometimes think i could do it myself for people and do a lot of good...but it would take way too much out of me...I don't know how they do it! lol
I thought about the one on one with michele here, but I really can't see much progress being made in just a day or two...I need my partner to want to cooperate, and right now i just get "the wall of hate"
I have to find out how she views and manages affairs, particularly viscious ones...I find affairs in particular aren't handled well by most counsellors...they just tell me to "come back when they have ended contact"
Is this how alcoholics are treated? Just "come back when you stop drinking?" lol
No, that is not how alcoholics are treated. But with affairs - there are 2 other consenting adults. Yes, it MAY be a sexual addiction (my C thought my H had a sexual addiction) but until that person decides on their own to end it - there is nothing you can do.
What you CAN do is read "After the Affair". And know that many marriages DO weather affairs. ANd you let the C know that despite it all you want to save your marriage. You want to give it your best shot. And that you want a C who will help you give it your best shot. Then you see what response you get.
Good luck - there are solution based therapists out there.
I would beg to differ on the "concenting adults" point, but I don't have any data to back that up.
From the research I am giong through I am finding the most knowledgable marriage scientists who have studied affairs find them an addiction much like gambling or substance abuse. The concept of consent isn't relevant in that context. The person is seen is "ill" rather than simply a consenting adult in love with someone other than their spouse.
I own after the affair and four other infidelity related books. Not just friends seems to be the best one in my opinion.
Penny Tuppy argues that all affairs save the one night stand type are addictive in nature. My that she means that these experiences fire off chemical charges in the brain that cause the person to lose their capacity for good judgement and they become increasingly dependent on the fantasy of the affair to cope with their life.
Gradually their real life begins to fall apart while the affair increases in intensity. Eventually something gives - either the affair ends or the marriage does. Penny calls it "the great race".
I just dont' find many counsellors with a lot of good background in the subject. The weathering isn't my concern it is my spouse leaving. I can stomach an affair, i can't stomach having this person rape my home, violate my marriage, and sex my spouse up into abandoning me. This to my mind should be handled as criminal behavior.
If my marriage ends, I want it to be more civilized than this nightmare.
The good counsellors who actually list affairs explicitly in their services often group it with substance abuse, gambling, or other destructive and addictive behavior.
I have never looked at affairs as tragic love stories, despite what hollywood tries to sell them as. Its' just hard to find a professional who handles them for what I believe them are.
I could not agree with you more about having infidelity being a criminal code offense. No one else could steal so much from you and get away with it.
I agree with the addiction - that was not really what I was saying. But it doesn't mean they'll give up that fix. Mine sure didn't - he married her. But if he wanted treatment - nothing I could do would help. He would have to get help himself. Mine actually acknowledged that he was in MLC and addicted to her and to alcohol. But he CHOSE to stay addicted.
