I will repeat my story here because I hate to lose things to history. For those who already know it, just skip over and feel free to post.
Sara's Story
My H and I were married in 1979, almost 28 years ago. We have 3 children. Usual problems and arguments, but as I saw my other friends get divorced and heard their stories, I chose against that for myself. I wasn't particularly happy, but they were even more unhappy.
I was not loving toward him. I decided years ago that I should have married a different boyfriend. But we co-existed and had a decent life together. Over the years we grew further apart, we argued over how to deal with our son who chose to be a juvenile delinquent and was verbally abusive to me. We went to counseling at that point, but made no headway in solving the problem.
About a year ago my husband began an internet relationship with his old girlfriend. That grew into an EA and then in November they took a romantic weekend together. Super sleuth that I am, I figured it out! I confronted him with cell phone records of his calls to her (should have been looking at those all along), and he said he would stop. Two weeks later, I checked the cell phone bill again, and the calls were still going on.
I gave my son her number. If she wanted my job as his wife, she could have my son too! So he called her and told her he knew she was having an affair with his father, and if she didn't stop he would find her and make her stop! Apparently, H had neglected to mention that we were a dysfunctional family. So she decided my job didn't really look too good, and she called H and broke up with him.
At that point I decided that I really did want this marriage. We tried to put things back together ourselves, but it ran hot and cold. Some days were good, some were vicious. A friend at work had just been to Retrouvaille and sent a glowing letter to us all recommending the program. So, knowing next to nothing about it, I suggested that we go to Retrouvaille together. There being no other solution, he agreed to it.
We went to the weekend in January, 2007 did the post sessions in Feb and March and we were continuing to get better. Now the kids have moved out of the house - we are empty nesters, at least for the summer, and life is really good. I have learned to love my husband and he is learning to love me. We are different people than we were 18 months ago. The sex is great, we laugh at each other's jokes, it's a lot like when we were first married. I won't say all the tension is gone, but we know how to approach our problems when one comes up. We pull out our notebooks, and we dialogue on the subject.
I am grateful to Retrouvaille for saving my marriage. I could not have done it alone. In fact, I made a pretty good mess of things on my own (and with my husband). In addition to being here to give my personal brand of advice to those who seek it, and to some who don't, I also try to be a source of info on the Retrouvaille program. The Retrouvaille (Retro) website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org is great because it gives info on upcoming weekends around the world and who to contact. But it doesn't really tell you much about the program. I'm sure there are some people who think it's better to just know the program will help, without any details, and there are others who need to know what they are getting into before they will go. I try to fill in some detail without taking away from the whole experience of the weekend (which really cannot be described). So feel free to ask questions. I will post some of the descriptions I have on my last thread here too.
Can't sleep so I'll post some more. Toward the end of the last thread I had an insight that had escaped me til now. My sitch was that I escaped mentally from the difficulties of my life by fantasizing about my old boyfriend. I thought it didn't hurt my marriage because it was just in my mind. It was more than in my mind though, I was in contact with him occasionally by phone and once every 7 or 8 years we might even see each other and be physical.
My insight is that the EA was a betrayal of my marriage because I withdrew from emotional intimacy with my H and instead had emotional intimacy with OM. I had hopes and dreams of a life with him...someday. This withdrawal of emotional intimacy, of no longer dreaming of the future with my H, set in motion the series of events which, over a period of years, finally led my husband to have an affair with his old girlfriend.
Yes, the physical betrayal was bad, but it was not what really ruined my marriage. It was the emotional betrayal. I don't think I had ever realized that before.
When my H had an affair, and I discovered it, it caused a crisis point in our marriage. The question for both of us was: Stay or Go? And we didn't know what to do. Certainly unraveling 28 years of togetherness would be incredibly difficult. And my OM wasn't leaving his wife, so really I had nothing to leave for.
My friends were surprised after Retrouvaille when they saw that we were so nice to each other and happy together. They were surprised that I had forgiven him. Of course, I forgave him, I had done the same as him. Forgiveness was the only option. Without forgiveness by both of us, we couldn't change. We would be stuck where we were, angry and nursing hurts.
People tell me that we are the model couple because we forgave each other and got back together. Maybe that is true, maybe until you have a trial by fire and survive it, maybe you are untested. Maybe getting along before the crisis is just luck, but after the crisis it is a choice. Love is a choice. Forgiveness is a choice. Commitment is a choice. Trust grows out of those choices. And it takes all four to have a happy marriage.
Sara, I think if I have too I might have to use Rtro as a last resort. Waiting to see. I wish H would just agree to go because he knows we need it but alas, he might need a shove toward it. The only trouble would be the follow ups as he works every other weekend and there is know way for him to take off work.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I have read as much as I have been able to find about Retro. At his point, my WW doesn't want to do anything for our M (so she says); my response is you can always D, so what have you got to lose. Is Retro the type of program where an open mind is needed, or can it in fact "open the mind" if someone attends?
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Yes, a very good question. Before you go to Retrouvaille you either receive a letter from them or a phone call to both spouses asking if:
1. there is no third party involved; 2. you will go there with an open mind and a willing heart.
The mind needs to be open enough to answer yes to that question. We received the letter, and when I read it I thought, "Oh, this isn't for us, he won't go." When I handed him the letter, he read it and said "OK." So we jumped that hurdle.
How open is that mind walking in the door? Not much. My H didn't want to be there. The program does very much open minds. When I looked around that room friday night, everyone looked tense and scared. By Saturday morning everyone looked relaxed, and by Saturday afternoon, almost everyone was walking around with their arms around each other! Look back at Husband's last thread, and read how his wife responded. She went because he told her it was that or divorce. But now she is so happy they went. She is a very willing participant.
As for the Post sessions. We had one couple with a husband who worked every Sunday. The wife went to the Post session with a video camera and a tripod. She had a name card for the husband, and she put it on the camera. She videotaped the Post session, and then during the week, they watched it together. She said she got more out of the session, because she experienced each one twice. He only went to the last session where we "graduated".
Going to Retrovaille tomorrow. I'm packing as I write. I will let you know how it goes and start a new thread when I get back. I'm hoping for the best.....a new beginning.
I always thought Retroville sounded like something that would benefit my H. Sadly, like several of us here, he was never willing to end the relationship with the OW.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
