I guess I would definitely qualify as an old-timer. I first came to the board in June, 2003, desperately seeking info that might help me to save my m. I was careful to only read posts that were positive, or success stories, because I wanted to believe that H would be back. Found a few stories of returning MLC'ers, but not many. I haven't posted for about 3-4 years, but occasionally do some lurking. Warning: Anyone looking for a story about H returning, I would advise you to stop reading this. My story is almost the same as many of the others who were posting around the time I was on the boards. Ex-H left in 2002 for another woman, although I didn't know she existed at the time. He even swore "on the kids" that he never cheated. He did the waffling back and forth, saying he's not right in the head, someday he'd be back, and so on and so on. He filed for divorce without telling me, so I also had the surprise in the mail. He postponed the D, and even after it was finalized in 12/04, he sent me a card saying that maybe he'd be back in a few years.
Ex-H is still with the OW, after 7 years. Fortunately, I live a days drive away from the Ex, so I only see him occasionally when he comes to visit the kids. He is not a pretty sight to behold. He has gained 50-75 lbs, lost most of his hair, and what is left is gray. His mind is still in the gutter. And he is still an a$$ - a liar and a cheat.
Fortunately, I've never had to lay eyes on OW, but I hear she is uglier than sin, and extremely controlling. My son hates her and refuses to have anything to do with her, but the Ex still pulls his tricks, like not warning son ahead of time when OW will be there. The first time my kids met her, it was at a surprise birthday party for the OW. Ex neglected to tell the kids this, so the surprise was on them. Not a happy moment for them. But that's another story.
I am doing fine on my own. I have 3 teenagers - one in college, 2 in high school. They are beautiful kids and doing well in their lives. Ex sees them a few times a year. His OW won't let him spend too much time away from her. She monitors his emails, so our contact is very limited - mostly about money - but that is ok. I haven't dated yet. The longer I go without dating, the less interested I am in finding someone. Between work and driving the kids around, I don't have a lot of extra time. And I wouldn't know how to go about it, anyway.
So my story will not give you hope of your spouse returning, but my life is good - and yours will be too.
My Husband was one of the MLC'ers who came home. My old threads are in the MLC archives.
He has been home now for about 16 months and we are a work in progress.
His Dad died in 2002 and my Husband changed overnight. I had no clue as to what MLC was and thought his strange behavior was part of the grieving process.
He began to work out, lost weight, dressed differently and had a major personality change. His "new" friends were half his age and they hung out together.
In September 2003 he received an email from an old High school girl friend and that began a major course of events. So many secrets, and trips to see his Mother, 3000 miles away, 10 minutes from where his "friend" lived. He began to complain about me, my appearance, our lifestyle, the list goes on. He was very dissatisfied with our Marriage.
In September 2004 he gave me the ILYBNILWY speech but he was also very attentive and we seemed to be making some progress. We were talking more but he had become an expert at covering his tracks and telling lies.
December 2004 he decided he needed to Divorce me and move out and get his own life on track. He moved 3000 miles away to start his new life. During the time he was away he saw the kids for a total of 12 days.
April 2007 He moved back home.
Peacetoday, to be truthful, the piecing in some ways was harder then the MLC. I had become used to living on my own. I had a routine. I had a budget. I didn't have to share the closet with anyone. It was peaceful.
I had learned how to detach, and had to learn to reattach again. And my patience was tested all of the time.
Yes, there are some happy endings in various threads here, but it is more important for you to consider yourself a success regardless of whether or not your Husband returns home.
Work on yourself, your own issues. Work on forgiving and letting go. Don't worry about what he is doing or where on the timeline he is or what stage he is in. It doesn't mean anything.
(((((hugs)))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
