Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

Wife brought the kids back last night, along with their laundry.

Usual routine - about 15 minutes of chit-chat, a hug and a kiss, and off she went.

It was obvious that my sons missed me. They wanted to watch a particular episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Pod People) with me, have popcorn, and curl up next to me. Oldest son said that he and his brother were quoting lines all weekend from the episode we were watching and that wife's bf was getting annoyed with them because of it. Maybe he didn't like the "in" jokes. Older son also said that bf got snarky when they were fishing, snapping at him and his brother when they did something wrong, didn't follow his instructions, etc. I'm keeping an ear open for any hint of bf saying or doing anything out of line with regard to the kids. I don't want be overprotective because of jealousy, but they're the ones over whom I have the greatest duty, and the guy is an alcoholic with no experience with kids.

Late last night, old friend of mine, Kris, called. We met way back in my sophomore year of college ('85), and I became a big brother to her and her roommate Cindy. We've been good friends ever since. I left her a voicemail about the jobhunt and an update on my sitch. We talked for at least an hour. It's amazing how discussing the situation with the right people can help clarify things so much. I realized how screwed up my wife is and conversely, how much stronger I've become. Yeah, I still have my moments of sadness and depression (lately right after I wake up), but I'm getting on with my life. It doesn't seem so utterly hopeless for us or for me anymore. I -and we- have a hell of a lot further to go, but overall, it's getting a little better day by day. I think the new job will help.

Well, it's supposed to hit 90°F today, so if the weather holds, the kids & I will play in the pool, grill up some hot dogs, and have some fun.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You ever wonder if the first couple of talks with the OM/OW start of like this, "Yeah...not doing so well with my husband, wife."

Be careful Mike, just be cautious. Time gives you patience, but time also creates desire. Double edge.

[Mike85]

Jack: what do you mean? I'm confused about the desire thing. If you mean anything involving my friend Kris, don't worry 'bout that. We've always been like brother and sister (one of my jobs in college was steering her away from the DKT house when she was drunk at 2 am). It would be "icky," even if I were truly a single guy. She's not unattractive, she's like...my sister. Eww.

And well, I'm being especially cautious with how I speak and behave, seeing as how ONE of my kids' parents has to act like a mature adult with morals. Despite the idiotic advice of some of my male friends, I don't see how MY committing adultery lessens the pain caused by my wife's actions. Besides, my research background was in infectious diseases...do you have ANY idea how scary it is out there? Chlamydia and herpes runneth amuck! No thanks. I'll stick to celibacy 'til wifey comes back.

Speaking of wife, she called to talk. I sent her some camera pics of the kids that I took while we were at the local museum/science center today (I'm a science geek...sue me). One pic of the kids building robots, one of my youngest in a beaver costume, and one of my oldest holding a fluorescent bulb that was lit by him holding a Tesla coil in the other hand (THAT was cool!). She loved the pics. Nice brief chat, some nice laughs. She asked about my job situation & I told her that the school board at my prospective new district votes on me tonight and that I should know the results around 9 pm. She wants me to call. I told her that I might just text, since the kids & I will be watching "MST3K: The Movie" and eating popcorn. I've already blown the kids off by accident a few times with long phone calls. She said that was fine but asked me to call tomorrow. Weird.

Now I'm finding mornings to be the bad time for me. I don't know if it's that brainwave thing, but my mind is more creative and active as I'm waking up, and I started thinking about how my birthday is next month...and I'll miss my wife, and how our anniversary is the following month...crap, that's going to hurt...and what about Thanksgiving? And Christmas? Within five minutes, I had worked myself into a depressed frenzy.

I've started the "Thought Stopping" technique from Michele's book, but it's hard. And I keep telling myself to just focus on getting through the day. But it's hard. For someone who is allegedly doing so well, I still have moments of total anger and sadness.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You're normal.

Don't look that far down the road, look to tomorrow if your going to look for the future.

[job]

Mike,
Jack has advised you correctly....it's one day at a time and only look at today and possibly tomorrow for planning purposes. Things can change on a dime when dealing w/an mlcer.

[momof2girls]

Mike,
don't try to project into the future! I did the same thing and spent most days a nervous wreck over a case of the "what if's".

Things can change in a second! My story...H and I went to court and had another court date 3 weeks later to discuss what we were going to do about the house. Within 5 days of the first court date and not talking to H at all he marched up to me at my D's tball game and out of the blue...LITERALLY out of the blue...told me he did not want our marriage to end and wanted to work on things.

You don't know me but I am never short on words. H left me speechless.

When you project you drive yourself crazy...take one day at a time. I remember telling my C that I wish I could just turn off the hurt...she said it is a natural process and we all need to go through it. If you feel bad in the morning that is OK...you are doing well at shaking it off and getting on with your day!!

Congrats on the job offer...things will go your way!!

[Mike85]

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions.

It's amazing how you can be feeling fine, and then some small thing - seeing a happy couple in the supermarket, a commercial, or an episode of a sitcom - can send you into a wave of sadness. I no longer like to watch "Two and a Half men" because of the number of episodes in which they deal with the younger brother's situation w/his wife. One thing I noticed is that song lyrics seem more pointed.

Someone suggested I watch "Swingers" because is it is a classic comedy, and as soon as I realized that the main character has MY name and that the woman who dumped him has MY WIFE'S name, I couldn't enjoy the flick any more. I switched to "Dodgeball." Not as erudite, but less likely to bring forth bad memories - except from gym class ;-)

This process may be normal, but it sure hurts like hell sometimes.

[craig54]

mike, i also try to avoid anything that reminds me of my situation with my wife. no sexual content, i do not need the distraction. you seem to be doing well for being a short timer. there are alot of very caring people offering advice. i have learned alot over the last 9 months.they are right about not making plans for the future. one day at a time. keep up the db'ing mike.

[Mike85]

Took oldest son to pediatrician for re-evaluation for his panic attacks (the original reason for him seeing a counselor). His panic attacks have diminished, but he talked about the stress of mom & dad being apart. The doctor was great, making sure that son understood that our problems were not his fault, that both parents love him, etc. He discussed son's need to be patient at this time.

Interesting note was that when son was describing the situation in his own words, he mentioned that mommy sat him down and told him that she was going to get back together with daddy and move back in someday, but that she didn't know when. At least she's keeping her spiel consistent. I want to believe her (as does my son), but trust comes hard after her lying to me and her friends. I'd like to cling to her words to our son as a source of hope, but...

The doctor asked me as an aside what was up and I described the situation briefly. He said "Sounds like a classic case of midlife crisis." I almost burst out laughing. he was glad that wife and I were obviously doing right by the kids, based on what he heard from my son. His only concern was that I keep an eye out for my kids with regards to wife's bf. Told me some signs to watch out for and how to carefully tell kids to talk to mom or me if her bf says/does "weird" things, hits them, etc.

Then doctor told ME the importance of my being patient at this time (geez, did you guys give him a heads up or something?).

In a happier note, the principal of my prospective new district called me this morning to congratulate me on the school board voting to hire me. He said there was one dissenting vote, but that it was a protest vote to demonstrate objection to bumping my pay up by $2K. The principal welcomed me as an official member of his district. It felt great. Texted good news to wife, who texted back a congrats.

Stopped by my parish to thank my priest for his support and prayers for the new job and let him know the positive results, and dontcha know, he was conducting a spiritual healing service! My sons and I stayed for a healing/blessing, and then when the time for exchanging the sign of peace occurred, I let him know my good news. He hugged me and said "One prayer request down, one to go!" Then he had my sons and I stand before the small crowd, introduced us, and told them my/our good news. We got congrats and we all thanked God for the answering of prayer. Had to leave b/c the three-year-old wasn't digging the overheated chapel scene, but as we were leaving, my priest mouthed to me (while holding up fingers) - "One down...one to go!"

Those four words could be my new mantra.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mike, be careful ok?

What a mother will tell a 9 year old not to hurt him is not the same thing as what she may feel.

What a 9 year old hears, may be more what he wants, than what was said.

I am just saying be cautious. Similiar paths here.