Still finding pieces layin around

[KarenMarieS]

Sorry this is long, just venting:

Just when you think things are hunkey dorey ,and you've picked up most of the pieces your ex left behind for you, you find one hiding under the couch.

I know this too shall pass, i think but its painful when its happening.Nothng hurts more then your child hurting.

Had to pick up my son and his friend from a local bar last night, or this a.m at 2:00, now they rarely go out now they are home from college, and I am glad they knew they shouldn't be driving even the very short drive home.

Today when I was talking to S, and asked why he felt a need to drink to that extent, he said he didn't h ave an excuse, just him and his friend having a good time laughing at the Karoke singers.

After a while tho, we started talking.....he said its hard for him to admit, and he hates to even say it, cause it will sound selfish and childish, but he still, is having a hard time seeing his parents, especially his mom with another person. uggh.

He knows people who've never had divorced parents will say, ,,get over it! in fact his dad would say it, but he said its hard after almost 18 yrs to see your parents, your lil family go all different ways and yes, he thinks the world of B ( although i've given up on them ever being best buds) he appreciates everything B does for me and him! he said he couldn't think of a better man for his mom, even better a man then his own father.

But on weekends, when B comes over, even tho we never intend, he feels like this is me and B house and he spends most of his time in his room. No matter how hard B tries to get him to join in things.
Man it hurt to hear my sons voice crack and his eyes well up, it killed me as he is such a strong very non emotionally person.

He said he hated feeling this way and dosnt have anyone really to talk to who understands ( having no siblings really suxs too) apart from his aunt J- No one can understand after all, not me, not his father, who come from intact families.

I think it started when his father stood him up for lunch Sun. Hes' use to this, but I think he was looking forward to it as they were going to go look at cars too.

B and i felt awful so on the way home from our trip stopped and picked up a big steak and potato to grill up for him before he went out.
he said it hurts him when his dad does this much more then he'll admit and h e dosnt know why, he then turns around and goes out w/ him again.
I really HATE my ex!

He said ex has been more attentive lately and even for the first time in 23 yrs has been telling S he loves him!!!??? S said he almost fainted straight over lol
Anyway, it was rough to hear, made me cry , and I know it was hard for S to tell me

he dosnt want to read no stinkin books lol But did agree he could talk to someone, professional to get his feelings out.
Still picking up pieces that ex threw down 6 yrs ago.

Ex was just here, picked up S, as S car is still at the bar- they will go to dinner, Even tho he does what he does, S still cant let go- Ex comes in all nice and talkative, i keep calling for S upstairs, "your fathers here!" egads come down already kid!
Ex dosnt get it. He dosnt-- and karma has yet to bite him on the butt, it keeps coming around nippin on me and S, but not his.

Any advice on how i can help S get thru this, cause it will pass I am sure but its not fun when its happening.

[lost-n-found]

Awe Karen.... that really stinks. Big hugs for both of you. I wish I had an answer that could take the pain from them instantly. It's a horrible thing to endure ourselves but watching our children suffer is almost unbearable.... the anger at the X just wells up like a volcano ready to erupt. Ya know... his coming clean to you with his feelings speaks volumes tho. If he's generally an unemotional guy and he felt safe allowing those to surface and have a voice put to them I'm guessing that in itself will do wonders for him. Just keep allowing him the freedom to feel the way he does w/o telling him what he should know or think and I believe that will do wonders for him IMO anyway....

Hang in there lady... we find there are snags along the way but the journey is much smoother than before....

[qoe100]

(((Karen & Ry)))
Just sent you a long email on this very subject.

[KarenMarieS]

Hey LnF
thank you sooo much for your input, its so nice and comforting
when someone can understand.
I do hope that him getting it out to me does help him, good point! and I know his aunt, my SIL, who too, went thru the exact same things, helps him and always has an open door.

I think it will be fine, its a work in progress. With us, we can have other SO, spouses, but our kids have one set of parents, they gotta make it work.

[KarenMarieS]

Thanks Jilly bean!!
Got it, love you for it lol

[Reincarnated]

Karen--
I am so glad to hear that he will talk with someone; that is a huge step for someone who is generally "unemotional." Who knows? Maybe this will teach Ry to be able to open up more freely with those who love him--that will serve him well in the future!

Just like the lessons we learned about ourselves through the mess, the kids have their lessons that they will take away, too. You are already doing the right thing by lending an ear--and what a special relationship you must have with him, that he was willing to talk with you about it at all!!

Hugs to you both...

[KarenMarieS]

Just like the lessons we learned about ourselves through the mess, the kids have their lessons that they will take away, too.

Donna
Thank you so much!
It would be wonderful to think that at least, they will learn some very valuable lessons , hard as they are at the time.

I am glad he said he'd try to talk to someone, I know he has his GF and a few close buddies, but again, talking and sharing things w/ people who have been thru similar like us all, or a professional, would be so great

Thanks Donna for reading and your kind words

[KarenMarieS]

Ry came home from dinner w/ his dad, I asked if he had mentioned why he dissapeared Sun. Ry said oh yea, he apologized and said, he didnt even know they had plans, when were they made? Ry told him last Sun, when he was dropping him off, he said, wanna go to lunch next Sun and look at cars?

Ry and I just rolled his eyes, Ry said, well I have to keep in mind he'll be 49 next week, age and all lol I said hey watch it boy, I'll be 49 shortly there after!

He knows his father asks him when its convenient for him, I suppose Ry feels thats better then being stood up by his dad!
You take what you can in these R I guess.

Thanks everyone for your help, it means a lot to me.

[BethM]

Aw K,

I'm so sorry to hear that Ry is having residual problems from all of this, but I really do think that that's pretty normal. I'm sure that his being at school and away from the constant reminder helped him for a while. He's a very sweet and sensitive guy. You can even see that in his patience with his Dad. I do think that the sensitive types have more of a problem with this. Just the fact that he would even consider getting help says that he is more like you than his Dad.

Anyway, I'm so glad that he knew that he could talk to you about this. So many times our kids hold in their true feelings in order to spare ours (well except my oldest and youngest..hey, the nut doesn't fall far from the tree. Know what I mean?).

I know that this is never what you wanted for him. None of us would choose this, but the fact is his life was forever changed when his Dad left, and that's not your fault. Even if his Dad met him for dinner faithfully every Sunday, it still wouldn't change that hid Dad is no longer a constant in his life. He's become more of a friend that he gets together with from time to time but really has no idea who Ry is. How can he? He's missed so much and he can never get it back no matter how many dinners they have.

He will be alright K because he has so many people in his life that love him. Including his Auntie Beth!

Love,
Bethie

[KarenMarieS]

Hey Bethie!!
Thank you!! XXXX
Yes, I think I really was overprotective of my ony child and now hes seeing life ait always fair is it? yucky lesson but we all learn it.

He said he meets up w/ his dad and its not like his dad,hes someone totally different, I said oh yea, alilens took your father 6 yrs ago didntcha know?

Anyway, R decided that yes too much time on his hands to think, now hes wishin he applied at some fast food place or somethin for 8 weeks! lol

TM ex this a.m, asked how things went at dinner? Ya know ya get different stories. He tm back " yes, he has issues w/ me, I wish he would tell me and now lay everything on you"
Wow ex, at least you now see that when one parent leaves the other is usually held holding the bag for the kids.

I tm back, Thats what moms are for and we'll work it out. You do that when you LOVE someone. ( ouch)

Anyway, School starts up in 6 weeks yeah! lol
always noticed kids even college 22 yr old kids are happier in school , in a routine, and h opefully his GF from NY will be out in Aug.

Thank you all for your help, it sure is great to get this out w/ those who can understand!