Married 28 yrs- bomb last May-EA with OW-seperated 1 yr -kept in touch-"Dont know what I want etc....." Some counselling-wouldnt open up.Regular contact at my insistence then 5 weeks silence from us both. Sent text as must decide divorce or not.He said he felt so bad about us he didnt know how to make contact. My gut feel is he is missing me and is now really confused.Dont want him back out of guilt how do I deal with this sitch?
A, If you really do not want a divorce, then do not bring it up. Yes, your h is a very confused man right now and most likely will be for a while. During this time, protect yourself (emotionally), take care of your health, protect your assets and most importantly, learn to live solo for a while. Do not contact your h unless it's an absolute emergency. He needs to come to you now. The best thing you can do is just leave him alone to figure things out. I know, it's extremely hard and you want answers right now, but you aren't going to get the ones that want because he will take the easiest way out of a situation; rather than work on it.
Sit down and make a list of those things that you've put off doing and start working on them. If he's in mlc, he's got a long road ahead of him and while he's MIA, you will need to figure out what you want to do w/your life and start doing it.
The bb is a wonderful place for support and there is always someone here 24/7 to listen, validate and offer up suggestions on what you may be able to do to help yourself.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for that good advice. Ive waited a year and (for the last 6 after I got wise and calmed down) have done all the right things. The problem is that I finish work in 3 months time I am 59 and wont be able to afford the rented place I am living in at the moment. He is also renting in another part of the country. I will do anything to save this marriage;have learned to live without him,but need financial settlement I am hoping we can come to an agreement without divorce-this would be in his interest he has a large pension fund and Ive been told after 28 years he would have to share it.If I could manage I would leave him totally alone and let him decide even if it took another year.I know that to go ahead and divorce him in order to survive financially will be the end of us.What on earth can I do in this circumstance?
A, Have you sought legal counsel? You may need to do this in order to ensure that you are financially secure after the three months of work. Just because your h is out to lunch and isn't home, doesn't mean that you can't work on ensuring that your are financially secure. Just remember, he's not rational and no matter how hard you try to make him understand your concerns, he's only going to be thinking about himself and how much money you are taking from his "fun" bank. A word of caution, do not take anything he agrees to verbally to the bank. They will agree to just about anything to get us off their backs. Once it's time to cough up what they've promised...well...it's not happening.
A, do not wait another three months to find out what your options are. Start researching now and get your ducks in a row. Once you know what your options are, then I would write them all down and go from there. For now, do this on your own and do not rely on him for anything.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks again.Yes,I have seen a soliciter who says he will probably have to give me-the bulk of the proceeds of our house sale (its been empty a year now) -maintenence until Im 60 -and split pension.Obviously if I go ahead with divorce and this settlement he will not be happy!I am hoping to keep the current friendly relationship going by suggesting that in order to buy time and avoid divorce which he says he doesnt want we go halves on rental for me for next 6 months.That would take pressure off him, give more time for our house to sell,and I could just about manage.We have actually got as far as decree nisi then he asked for a stop on divorce while he was so confused!He is calling me tonight and I thought I would just be social and friendly (we are very good at that -in 28 years no arguements just pushed everything down )and suggest a face to face meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "what we both want" -focus on positives.I havent seen him for 7 weeks and miss him so much. I would do anything to help him but cant. My family think he is a monster but he is so weak and confused.I think I need to be upbeat and in control but not threatening. This wont be easy. I have become an expert at "acting as if " when with my life in limbo at 59 I want to scream.What do you think?
