Is there a glimmer of hope for I'mstillhopeful ?

[I'mstillhopeful]

Today H was supposed to come over to work on our income taxes. Last night he telephoned to ask if there was anything from the city that I would like for him to bring to me in the country.

This morning he showed up WEARING HIS WEDDING RING!! The last time we saw each other he wasn't and, as you know if you have been following my sitch I am following his lead. I removed mine and am wearing it on a chain around my neck. It's on a long chain so it is not visible.

I was out of the room for a few minutes and when I returned he had taken his ring off. Color me confused. I wasn't sure if I should have put mine on when I saw that he was wearing his, or, perhaps taken his hand and remarked on it. Instead, I just made a mental note that he had worn it.

He seemed quite relaxed and happy. We laughed a bit, I showed him the new Brain Age game I had purchased and asked him his professional opinion on whether it would really increase my mental acuity. (He had never heard or seen of such a game but had fun playing it for quite a while.)

He admired a coffee cup I had purchased on our last vacation and told me I should have bought two should the first one break. He went on to tell me that he had meant to give me the other souvenir bath towel he had purchased on the same vacation. At that point I gave him the second cup which I had, in fact purchased for him as a surprise. Note: my gift to him was about one tenth the price of the gift he meant to give to me.

I then drove off to the recycling center and left him with the results of his procrastination. About an hour and a half later I returned and didn't enter the room where he was working, instead, busied myself in the pantry. If he needed help finding some documentation I helped him but didn't hover. He then asked for a tomato sandwich so I brought in a few varieties of heirloom tomatoes from the garden and let him do the rest.

At three he had to leave to go to a friend's birthday party but before he did we picked some vegetables from the garden and some apples from the orchard.

When he left he said he was sorry he had agreed to pick up the birthday cake for our friend's wife since he would have to be on time.

He telephoned on his cell to thank me again for the coffee cup.

While he was working on the taxes a friend from the UK telephoned to tell me that the husband of one of my childhood friends had been killed in a freak accident in London. H was mildly interested but then said he would like to hear more about it at dinner some time.

The good news? We may be tiptoeing into friendship, and the dreaded property settlement/divorce paper discussion did not materialize today. I think we made tiny,tiny, baby steps, and I rejoice that they are forward.

[I'mstillhopeful]

Today during our visit I told him I had brought my mild hypertension under control without medication. I told him that I was in "a good place". (Translation: getting a life that was meaningful and satisfying.)

At 5:15 on his way to the party he telephoned again, he had been thinking about the Brain Age game... (or, maybe checking to see if I was home on a Saturday night.)

We discussed how Brain Age might force the brain to be more agile. Rather than end our conversation he pulled the car over to finish our discussion while we continued talking about different aspects of the game. I know it's a miniscule step but I think it is positive that I'm doing something of interest to him...

[I'mstillhopeful]

I've been reading various people's comments that the MLC forum is a place where the LBSs have become stuck in focusing on the WAS. When this thread locks I'll probably go over to "Separated". If anyone still reads this forum I could really use some good DB advice on how to respond to H about a certain issue.

I have been GAL and feeling really great about some of the things I have been doing and some fascinating people I have been meeting. Last weekend H went to the wedding of a nephew while I was to attend a gathering of some people who share an interest in a new sport. In fact, had H invited me to the wedding I would have probably declined in favor of the plans I had already made as I had really been looking forward to the event. Before I left I e-mailed H to advise him that I would be away for the weekend and that if he were to want to work on the taxes he could locate the paperwork next to the computer.

I had a truly wonderful time and returned home early Sunday afternoon. This was a camping event and we had been out in the torrential downpours which were the remnants of the hurricane. The dog and I and our bedding were fairly damp at this point so access to dry clothes was very attractive.

H apparently had tried to contact me on his way from the airport and actually came to the house and drove up the driveway. When he saw that my truck was here he tried to telephone me from his car. I didn't hear the phone so, rather than startle me, or intrude he left. Later he e-mailed and explained the situation in case I had seen his car drive away.

In his e-mail he told me about the wedding and mentioned that noone in his family had mentioned our situation nor, had they inquired how either he or I were faring. I'd like to validate his feelings but can't think of anything to say which wouldn't sound sarcastic or might open up a talk about the R. Any assistance on this would be much appreciated.

Also interesting was that he mentioned that the nephew's father (H's brother) who had been a serial adulterer throughout his marriage, has had two failed marriages and multiple gfs has a new gf. Interesting that H sees this worthy of note. His exact words, "J has a new girlfriend, you know him, J will always be J." I had been thinking that H was trying to emulate J by ditching our long term M so the comment was surprising. Must remind self, "it's MLC don't try to make sense of it".

[hoosiermama]

Hi, ish--

I think you're doing all the right things so far. What I would do about the wedding convo is ignore anything about your R that was mentioned, focus on details of the wedding, the bride's gown or whatever, how was the food at the reception, how the older relatives are getting along health-wise, even the travel there and back, etc. I'd completely ignore the remarks about no one mentioning how either of you are getting along, the nephew's father and his philandering, etc. I think you can't go wrong with that. It will show your interest in your nephew and family, but avoid R issues. Then, for good measure, I'd talk about your weekend and what you enjoyed, the storm, etc. so he knows you're GAL'ing and doing fine.

[I'mstillhopeful]

Thanks Hoosz,
I haven't had a chance to ask him about the wedding, haven't seen him, but your advice was sound and I will follow it.

I was visiting my parents for the past week. When H realized it was my mother's birthday he actually made the effort to telephone her. He even told me to drive safely upon my return. I made the 6 1/2 hour drive yesterday and when he couldn't reach me by telephone e-mailed this morning at 3:38 to see if everything was all right.

This thread has got to be one of the least dramatic in the history of DB but, I just wanted to keep the continuity going should anyone else be experiencing the same.

[I'mstillhopeful]

I was home for one day and then away for the long weekend. I was to meet a friend for the day in a town somewhat distant from our house, the next day I was to go to a meetup dining group in the same town. I notified H by e-mail that I would be away until Sunday.

On Saturday he stopped by our house to pick up some muffins that my mother had sent home for him. He called me on my cell phone and was so warm and friendly I thought he had misdialed and had meant to be calling the OW: "Good Morning! So you're up? How are you?" Very surprising. The signal was weak and we were disconnected several times but he called back 5 times and his final message was to wish me a wonderful day.

When I got home on Sunday I noticed that he had left some cookies from a bakery near his apartment. (My DB coach has noticed that H shows caring and connection through food.)

I didn't have any contact with him until Wednesday when I noticed that he had left a message on his business phone in his home office. He had tried unsuccessfully to reach me on our home phone and "was checking to see if I had arrived home safely from my weekend away." Thinking he was seeing patients and had his cell phone turned off I telephoned to tell him that all was fine. He answered and seemed happy to hear from me. He was surprised to learn that I would be flying to England next week. Just to update anyone who hasn't been following my saga - H booked 4 trips to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. He reluctantly took the first two and bailed out on the last two. I cancelled the fourth and paid my own way on the third.

A few minutes later H telephoned to offer to take me to the train station before my departure and to collect me when I returned. This is not an insignificant offer. It requires a one hour drive North to pick me up, then a two hour drive South to the train station, and another one hour drive back to his apartment. Even if he withdraws the offer, I am walking on air that he even considered extending himself in that way.

Caveat: I'm probably setting myself up for a huge disappointment. It is possible that he is so happy with OW that he can afford to assuage his guilt by being so nice. If anyone has experience along these lines I hope you'll add input whether my thinking is convoluted, or, if the DB'ing is beginning to show results.

[I'mstillhopeful]

I recently added to my sig and thought that I should post an update. I've been away both literally and figuratively.

H did follow through and gave me a ride to the train station. During the drive he handed me a collection of things which he thought would enhance my trip. These included a newspaper clipping, a magnifying glass (for reading maps), some British currency, a pin, a windbreaker, and some apples. When he hugged me goodbye I noticed that his eyes were filled with tears. He kept in contact while I was gone through e-mail and the occasional phone call. The day I arrived in the UK he e-mailed, "Please tell me if you arrived safely so a) I won't have to worry and b) so that I may enjoy your trip vicariously."

When I returned he met me at the train station and drove me back to the house after stopping for a dinner which we could take back with us. He was interested in my travels and then hugged me goodbye and returned to his apartment.

Shortly thereafter I visited my parents for 10 days and he participated in the charade that we are still together to keep my mother's mind at peace. He telephoned almost every night and apologised when he skipped a night.

Just before Thanksgiving he asked if I had plans and suggested that we get together because, "Noone should be alone on Thanksgiving." We couldn't do anything on the holiday because he had accepted an invitation from the SiL whom my coach feels is in an emotionally incestuous relationship with him. Of course it was out of the question for her to invite me to join them.

H did take me out to dinner to a really elegant restaurant on Wednesday night. I left the choice of restaurants up to him and the one he selected is so special that when we were together we reserved it for our birthday celebrations. We shared a bottle of wine and he brought me back to the house for dessert. This is the only time since he left that I haven't met him in town if we were going out to eat. He picked me up at the house and drove 12 miles to the restaurant. While I waited for him I felt like I was waiting for a date. It was amazing and strange at the same time.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I felt a little sad on Thanksgiving. The memory of the previous night's dinner should have sustained me but I was alone on Thanksgiving after all. I did go out for a hike with the dog but didn't have much energy. I haven't had any contact since a flurry of e-mails after that amazing dinner. I did tell him what a wonderful time I'd had and he replied that he had enjoyed it also and that he'd like to do it again sometime.

Now I need to be patient and to prepare for what may transpire next. I'm a little superstitious and worry that posting about such positive interactions might invite some very negative ones from the cosmos. However, I wanted to keep the thread updated should anyone in the future have a similar situation. Of course, now I wonder if I will remain in stage 2 forever. I do have to add that I am happy to see the wonderful man I have known for 30 years and not his cruel alter-ego.

[I'mstillhopeful]

Another update,
When H brought me back to the house for dessert on Thanksgiving Eve he opened a belated Anniversary card from my parents. Inside the envelope was a check which my parents had written to both of us. A week later he called to suggest that he bring the card of thanks which he had started so that I might add my sentiments and send it. Later, he sent an e-mail which included the words: "We really must do dinner again in December, so that would be sometime soon."

It made me wonder if the urgency has something to do with filing papers before the New Year. I sent an e-mail which didn't address the issue of dinner but thanked him for initiating the thanks to my parents. A few days later I forwarded an e-mail from a mutual friend. His reply mentioned that he was planning to help me clean the chimney and asked for a convenient time. I replied warmly and basically said that any time the snow was off the roof would be absolutely wonderful. He had mentioned that he had injured his finger so I also added that we might want to wait until his finger healed.

There was no contact for five days, then a phone call reminding me to use anti-creosote powder so the chimney would be easier to clean. And today, another phone call during which he invited me to have dinner on Christmas Eve. I'm a little less apprehensive about dinner at this point. Could he possibly initiate discussion about D on the night before Christmas?

I do notice that the tone of his voice is much warmer than it was a year ago. I recognize that this is a very long and slow process. And, if he does decide to make our split final, I know that I have done everything possible to restore our marriage. He may be looking for an unrealistic endorphin rush of romantic infatuation and is disregarding a friendship and partnership which he has said were rewarding, exciting and inspiring. We have bicycled thousands of miles all over the world together on our bicycle for two. Believe me, that is a real partnership. Once on a particularly long trip he mused that he wished he could incorporate that kind of activity with the couples he saw in therapy because it was so enhancing to a relationship.

[I'mstillhopeful]

Might these be baby steps?

Following our last flurry of phone calls/emails there was a deafening silence. We had an ice storm and I was without power for a day but having lived through a similar storm several years ago when we lost power and telephones for 13 days it wasn't much of a hardship. The phones were working though and he never called to see how I was faring.

Last night he telephoned to ask if I needed anything from the city because he will be working in our town tomorrow. However, two very interesting things transpired. He has been consistent in helping keep the information that he has his own apartment from my mother. Last night he told me that he had sent a Christmas card to his favorite aunt and had signed both of our names.

Also, one of the couples who were on several of our trips called and left a message that they wanted to wish us happy holidays and to speak with us. H and I have been taking turns calling them but we had not spoken with them at the same time since April. Jokingly I suggested that perhaps H should come over so we could both talk with them on the same day. Amazingly he agreed. He is planning to come over Wednesday night after work. I asked if he'd like to stay for dinner. Rather than decline on the spot he said he'd let me know. (This is a real experiment. It is the first time I have invited him to spend time at the house since he left.)

He then told me that he had trouble driving his car during the ice storm and suggested that the next time I drive South that I use his car so that he could use my 4wd while I was away.

So it all seemed like baby steps toward more of a connection.

Today he telephoned and wanted to clarify that he wouldn't be coming over today and didn't want me to be waiting for him. I'll have to be patient to see what transpires tomorrow.

[I'mstillhopeful]

H did come over for dinner on Wednesday night. There had been a snow storm that morning and the local clinic had called the house to notify him of some early cancellations. I texted him and he called back with heartfelt thanks. We had a fairly long and pleasant conversation about his dog.

Small positive steps:
H has not notified the staff at the clinic that he no longer lives in town.
The purpose of the visit was to call our friends together to maintain the facade that we are still a couple.
H ordered a gift for me from Amazon, tracked it and notified me to expect delivery.
When he arrived for dinner he brought a slice of cake from his work place.
H is now driving my vehicle and seems to be appreciating it.
H thanked me twice for dinner.


One negative aspect to dinner:
Part of the alien had returned. H was inpatient, complaining, and exhibiting all the negative behaviors which had started to emerge as he was becoming involved with the OW. I slipped into past behavior of rescuing and taking on the "super-woman role" which only made him more unreasonable.

After much thought the next day I e-mailed him:
I'm glad you liked the food I prepared. Upon reflection of the dinner I honestly have to tell you that I didn't enjoy myself very much. You'd mentioned going out to dinner on Wednesday night. I had been looking forward to it but now I am having second thoughts. Perhaps we'll catch up after Christmas and I'll give you the things I had planned to give you on the 24th.

His reply:
I'm sorry if I brought stress. I thought we had a reasonably good time dining out before Thanksgiving so maybe we can do that sometime, in fact, I've been calling restaurants to see which would be open on Christmas Eve. Most will be closed.

My reply:
You were checking on restaurants? That's awesome! I had an absolutely wonderful time dining out. I didn't mean to imply that you brought the stress. I guess I should have explained that I was uncomfortable because I felt I was lapsing into actions/reactions which I had hoped to have worked through by now.

I guess it wasn't a major miss step because last night H called me to see if the dog and I were safely inside and warm during the nor'easter.

Small steps I know but I think they are in the proper direction.