Hi, I'm new to the forum.

[The Wifey]

Hi. My name is Kelly Jo. June 2nd my H asked for S. I spent 17 hellish days before he actually left. I made all the mistakes - begged, pleaded, cried and threw myself at him sexually. I didn't eat or sleep for two full weeks and had what I call a mental breakdown. I drank about a quart of wine and took at least 15 vicoden. I was convinced that I was 100% at fault and that he would be better off without me. H found me on the kitchen floor and took me to the ER. I know - very, very stupid! This will NEVER happen again.

After 2 days in Intensive Care I came home, packed and went to my mom's. Realized I couldn't live with mom, came home. H left this Thursday. Up until the minute he walked out I tried to convince him we could only work on us if he stayed.

H says this isn't the end, its a new beginning. He loves me, always will, we have a connection. We have been together 26 years, married 21. (S is 19, just finished freshman year of college and is very upset.) We are just two different people H says. Very independent and separate. Few shared interests, etc.

Read a very good book, "Why Men Love Bitches" that I wish I'd had when I was 16! It makes me realize that I have basically been the nice girl since I was 16. Bitch isn't about being mean, its about caring more about yourself and expecting to be treated right. I see so many mistakes I've made from day one!!!!!

I am meeting with a C to work on me. I would very much like to have the M get back on track because I love him so very much, but I have to be okay whether he comes back or not. Just ordered the DB book, haven't received it yet. SOOOOOOOO glad to have found these forums. For the first time I felt hope instead of hopelessness.

Should add we'd had a S in 2004. I'd run up credit card debt and he found it. H was understandably angry and told me he was done with me when S graduated from Highschool. I left. Gone 4 months. He begged me to come back. We had MC and the counselor labelled him as verbally abusive. Things were so good when I finally came home (or so I thought). H says now he bottled things up so as not to be an abuser.

I've made a ton of mistakes then and now and I know that. I also realize that it takes 2 to tango and that he hasn't exactly been working at the M either. H has good "friends" and situation at work, though I am convinced there is no OW (thank GOD!). Now has a motorcycle and takes off in am on the weekend and comes home at dark.

I'm looking forward to the support as I enter the roller coaster. I'm glad to have found this forum. I'm a flawed person, but I love him deeply and would really like to grow old together. I've given you the unvarnished facts about me. Hope that doesn't turn anyone away, but I think I have to be clear that I know I have faults and take responsibility for them.

I also realize that I and our M are worth the work it will take to put it back together. Thanks to the book I already read and the forums I read, greeted him this morning as a friend, AS IF and no tears. H looked surprised that I seemed to be ok. The great thing is that so far I really am OK!

He washed his motorcycle after we had coffee together, gave me a kiss and left. He hasn't come back for his car yet. Don't know when he will be back and am seriously thinking I would go somewhere and not be here when he gets back. It's now after 6 and I don't want him to think I was waiting for him. Supposedly wanted to come back, mow the lawn and change the oil on his car.

I'm feeling like the bitch.

[Kimmie Lee]

Breathe....deep breaths....you're going through hell right now and we've all been there.This is a good place to be when you need support. Be prepared for the OW sitch though. When men leave, that is usually the case. I know that you think there isn't, and I pray you are right, but it almost always comes to light that there is another woman waiting in the wings.

You've already done the right thing by ordering Divorce Busting. also read Divorce Remedy, which I found to be more helpful.

[sgctxok]

Hi Wifey,

Welcome to divorcebusting.com. Divorce Remedy is DivorceBusting upgraded, and I think for your situation, you're fine with Divorce Busting. You can always add DR if you'd like. The extra chapters have to do with Midlife Crisis, Infidelity, and Depression........and understanding that some folks are in this for the long haul.

Your H needs to see stability from you.

If you have been begging and pleading recently, go to the Last Resort Technique....if not, start at the beginning of the book.

What Why Men Love Bitches and DR/DB have in common is using ACTION instead of words. Controlling YOURSELF.


Get yourself centered, ditch the rollercoaster, and work on REAL GIVING. Take good care of yourself, but take the opportunities to really listen to him. Then try to understand where he's coming from. Then, instead of words, take ACTION to grow the love.....by growing the friendship.


Being centered and taking good care of yourself is a little different than being selfish. So take really good care of yourself, have fun, be responsible and grow in the ways he's asking you too............and rebuild your friendship by being a real friend to him. And then flirt. Fall in love all over again. Have fun with it.

I believe you are going to be successful.

[The Wifey]

Thank you, I need to believe I will be successful. I am working on the stability. That is what I need to focus on. Unfortunately, when he came back we had only a little while. He said he would come back tomorrow to mow the lawn. I said I might not be here because I planned to go to my mothers and probably for a motorcycle ride with my brother in law.

That is one thing we've conflicted on. I'd had a motorcycle accident at the age of 13 and broke my leg in 3 places. I've been afraid to go. I had asked him to take me for a motorcycle ride, that I was more afraid of losing him than riding the motorcycle. He even bought me a helmet in hopes of me riding some day. But he said I made "a face" when he suggested a trial ride through the park. I never said no. But, from whatever my face must have looked like, he decided it just wouldn't work.

I guess I shouldn't have mentioned the planned ride tomorrow. But, I didn't think he'd get mad. He said "you were worried about me giving someone else a ride, but its ok to go ride with your BIL." I said, "I didn't want you to give anyone else a ride because I was afraid there was an OW. I don't think you have the same concern with me with my BIL. You said you wouldn't take me for a ride, and I just have to see if I can do it." He said I was wrong, that I'd said no to going for a ride and made "the face."

Then he said he was leaving and I said fine, see you later and he left.

I didn't run after him and just let him go, which is an improvement over where I've been. I guess I should have just not said anything. I should have left it at I am visiting my mom and left out about the ride. What's done is done and I am still going to go. I really, really want to do this to prove I can.

I guess I hope some day that I can share the motorcycle with him. Not sure if he'll carry a grudge about this, though. He tends to make a list of all my faults that come back at me when he gets mad.

One day at a time. I have to prepare for an exam for a class I am taking. I will try, try not to focus on this all night - it will be hard!

[sgctxok]

Wifey,

It's going to be ok. I've actually come through something similar with the Coach. What about, tomorrow, after he's sweaty from mowing the lawn, you tell him you want HIM to take you for your ride? Do something in your grooming that HE likes. If he asks if you're trying to get him back, or balks with some stupid 'man' words..........just be light and say, no strings you'd just rather it be him, just do something fun, (your version of light words). If he really doesn't want to, go do it with BIL.

I think guys in a lot of ways are pretty EASY... they are about how you make THEM feel about THEMSELVES. If he thinks he's hot (or wants to be hot), you be hot, etc.

RELATIVELY, I think you will be successful more quickly than some of the others on the board with their situations, if you don't backslide...


What kind of class are you taking?

[The Wifey]

I'm taking a graduate math review class in preparation for registering for my MBA. I am fighting the urge to call him and ask him to take me instead of the BIL. From what I've seen that would be wrong - or would it. I could call and just say I'm sorry I made you mad - I really wish it was you taking me.

[C_K]

Hi Wifey

In just a couple of posts you actualy have covered a couple of major issues and I think that like the previous post you have something to work with.

I had asked him to take me for a motorcycle ride, that I was more afraid of losing him than riding the motorcycle

Fear... this is probably the hardest part of this whole thing. letting go your fear of losing your H. Its better to stand by what you feel is right and right for you , you will surprised how angry the WAS can get and then appologise the next day if you stay firm on what you think is right.

He tends to make a list of all my faults that come back at me when he gets mad.

This is very common , its a way of self justification and I think most often used when WAS is feeling guilt about what they are doing. Try not to rush around fixing it all , its more a red herring , we all have faults .

The main thing you brought up was in your first post. It was LOVE vs ATTRACTION.

The good thing is your H still says he loves you, what is evident is the attraction has gone , this is very common. Now this gives you something to work with .
The good news is that if you study the DB or DR book the actions you take will help you be more attractive to your H .
You cant do anything at all about what he is doing , but you can work on yourself .

Its not going to be quick or easy , but patience and time will be your best friends.

Dave

[The Wifey]

The very weird thing is that he is Physically attracted and before this we had a great sex life. I know that making love isn't enough to keep a marriage together. I think I understand what you mean by attractive though, it is more than physical attraction. It is seeing me as someone he wants to be with and someone that can make him happy. I will continue to work on me.

BTW - I left him a voice mail that I am sorry he left mad. That I really wish it was him that was taking me for a ride. I needed to see that I could do it and that I hoped that that could be something we share in the future. Nothing fancy or mushy, just said I love you, goodbye.

[sgctxok]

I had just suggested that you ask HIM.

[The Wifey]

I did ask him. He decided that it might be better if I went with my brother in law, so I did. I didn't panic and we rode for quite a long time. We stopped off at my in-laws toward the end of the ride and my father in law gave me his old leather jacket. He understands why I rode. My mother in law thinks I'm nuts, thought she'd never see me on a motorcycle. Spoke to my husband by phone later at night and told him it went well.