Hi from England -My sitch-married 28 yrs. seperated 1. Current condition"holding" No contact for 3 wks now I am trying to detach a bit. He says "I love you and I dont want a divorce but I am afraid I get trapped again and I couldnt go through that again(the leaving)Says he doesnt know if we can be man and wife again-doesnt know what he wants.There is OW involved but he lives alone and I think is being equally ambivalent with her. The more I read posts the more I think this is a MLC. A bit late-he is 55 I am 59. Can anyone tell me where I can read about the stages of MLC? I am holding on but need to know more . Any ideas- I have the DB book and it has really helped-its the stages of MLC I would like to know more about. Thanks .
Always nice when a fellow country man joins the board, but I am sorry you find yourself here.
It is always sad when a long term relationship, all of a sudden, goes west. I have been married for 26 years, 6 months prior to the bomb, I have an eMail expressing what a strong marriage we had, oh well 3 years later, and no significant improvement.
From Strong Marriage, to bomb, only communicating with me by grunts, or eMail, to now a year long nothing. It is difficult, you would send Christmas and birthday cards to a friend you have known for 26 years, never alone have children together to being surgically removed from their life.
The stages you are looking for are here, Stages of MLC
However I would not place too much emphasis on them being stages, but more of symptoms of an overall depression.
This whole Thread has a lot of information of what you are dealing with, which helps, but not as much as getting on with your life - for you!
Thanks so much-Its true- I cant believe he seems able to cast off a 28 year history . I am really trying to get on with my life but this hit me hard- it coincided with my retirement and plans to move north to be nearer my family(feeling lonely in the marriage as Im sure he did too ).Everything I read on the MLC posts fit- down to the words he used. Cant say it was all of a sudden-he withdrew after 2 or 3 years and we had a platonic though friendly marriage neither of us rocking the boat by actually discussing our relationship.But the bomb was a shock.(last may)Have you given up or have you said the door is still open? Thanks again for replying.
WOW...I could have written your post...my H said the same thing...we did have a good love life up to the point he left but he claimed it was nothing to him...one thing I noticed is he was drinking when he was affectionate other wise it was just friendly like you describe. My H lost his career job and looking back I see that is where the MLC started...basically MLC is depression that is handled wrong... My H and I were seperated for nearly 2 years...I heard much of what you did...especially the fear of returning...not knowing if he would be able to be happy as husband and wife again...
I am happy to report that we are together again...happy...and have been for nearly a year now...he returned over two years ago but was a complete physical and emotional mess...it took lots of time and patience but now he is a much improved husband over what I had originally...
Understanding MLC is key in all of this...it helps you have compassion and empathy instead of anger and blame...getting on with your own life is important...even AFTER they return...I still do things for me that previously I never thought of doing...I lived for the family and my H...now I live for me and share that life with my family and H...this is much healthier!
Well imLIN your post has lifted my spirits a lot-thanks and im so pleased you are happy together now. Its true I built my life round him-that was the problem -didnt have my own interests really. I do feel great compassion for him he is in such a confused state- his guilt is terrible I think thats why he finds it hard to be with me or talk right now.But there is nothing I can do to help. He knows I love him and would do anything. Havent heard from him for 3 weeks now- a long time for us .I have been insisting on frequent contact but now have decided to let him be for a while.How often did you contact during your separation? Take Care
My H would rarely contact us...he once went nearly 5 months with NO contact even though our S10 called and emailed him...no reply...sometimes I would phone his work and ask the receptionist if she had seen him just so I would know he was ALIVE! Now he tells me he didn't do this because he didn't care...but he couldn't...he was so depressed that he didn't love himself so how could love anyone else???...he needed that time away to reach inside...although he was doing this with a lot of alcohol he finally came to a place that he realized that he needed to move closer to his S10...my H suffered severe child abuse...I find that those with the most severe MLC have some sort of sad history in common...do you know if your H has this in his past?
Hi Lin- Well,on the few occasions that he has opened up and talked about his childhood he said that when he was 8 his father abandoned his mother with OW for a year-then came back. He said he can remember being told"you are the man of the house now and must take care of your mother never upset her" So he has not been able to express his feelings in case he hurts people. Well, thats his take on it. Actually he is an extremely private formal sort of person who never lets his guard down. he said himself if anyone tries to get close he retreats.This has driven me nuts over the years as I am the opposite and wear my heart on my sleeve! Do you think I should maintain the silence(3 wks now) to give him space- I presume he is still ambivalent as he hasnt sent off the final divorce paper - or contact him like I usually do?
I would follow his lead...if he makes no contact then let him be...if he contacts then answer... Sometimes those who don't let anyone get close have BIG issues in the past that were not dealt with...sometimes they are horrific things as in my H's case...I knew there was abuse when we married and I knew it was bad (mostly on his sister) but I had no idea how bad and how much it had involved him because he shut it out...unfortunately when MLC hits all those "stuffed" memories have a way of coming back to haunt them... My H was actually afraid of what he might be capable of doing...he started to believe that he could become like his father and those that had abused him and his siblings...he had never ever been abusive to me or the kids...actually he was the more reasonable one when dealing with the kids and still is... I think your H might be hitting a time in his life where he is identifying parts of himself with his father and the abandonment issues are coming forward...give him time...this might work in your best interest... For yourself...do what you can to keep busy...make plans for YOU to take time out for yourself...take the best care of yourself that you ever have...build yourself emotionally (I am also a sensitive one)...and be ready to be the strong should H come to you again...because there is usually more to be rebuilt then just a R/M...they have to rebuild themselves and are usually very much an emotional mess at this time...
