Thought this might be a better area to get some feedback about my wife, but really don't know if I can consider her a walk away wife.
I have been posting here and there, looking for info and advice, so my stories are all over the place I think.
My first post is down there if anyone wants to see my story, but I will summarize a little, because it is a long one.
If there are any walkaway wives who would like to actually read it and offer their opinion, that would be great. I think that is what I really need at this point is a perspective from the other side, although the feedback from the guys has been positive on the other threads.
Everyone says to relax and enjoy, because things seem so good, but you know how hard that is....always looking to make sure the direction is the correct one....and of course there are the don't get your hopes up reminders from my wife.
The short version is; she is still here after the talk, which was 2 months ago. She is not going anywhere, no matter what comes of all this. We agreed to work towards a separation, by getting all of our financial affairs in order, finishing up some work on our house, and basically having an amicable, friendly relationship. She was adamant about not working on the marriage, and I agreed to not fight her.
I want her to stay in our house when all is said and done. We have an 18y old daughter (and a dog + 4 cats), that I do not want to see uprooted, was my reasoning to her. Keep the house as a home base and when this comes to pass, I will get out and figure things out on my own. The only time table I ever got out of her was "A year would be too long".
So I guess my question is, should I be treating her more like a walkaway spouse, even though she is in no hurry to walk away?
Should I be distancing myself and showing that I "want to get on with my life"?
If you read my other posts, you will see that really nothing has changed since I first found this site.
We are still together in the same house, still having fun, drinking and partying every chance we get.....just got back from a 3 day getaway that she has been telling everyone "was amazing". Planning another a few weeks from now.
Is this wrong? She really never refuses me, no matter what I suggest we do.
Having received the "don't get you hopes up" talk as recently as yesterday, our first full day back from the amazing weekend, I know she is still, in her mind, on track to be apart.
There is very little awkwardness in our conversations like there was in the beginning, we are having sex on a regular basis (always did really), which at times she has also described to me as amazing....it happens mostly when we are partying, but it is not like she doesn't know what she is doing, or I am taking advantage of the situation...quite the contrary I think.
Right from the beginning this has all confused the hell out of me. I have made some drastic changes in myself....personality wise. As noted in my story, I will be the first to admit that I was out of hand and not being a very nice guy.
I know I will most likely get the "relax and enjoy the ride" comments that I have before, but if anyone wants to chime in with a different perspective, please do.
Any wives out there that have been there and back? Any guys out there with walk away wives that never left? or walked away so slowly you didn't notice??
Does anyone actually think that we should not be doing the things we are doing together?
Should I "get a life", even if she does not make a move to be away from me, and at times goes out of her way to spend more time with me? Does that make any sense?
Hi, I did not read all the posts, but I did read your opening story. I would like to reply to something you said.
"She is and will never be a cheater. I know her too well and when she tells me that is not what this is all about, I believe her."
My H thought the very same thing. He was so shocked that it almost threw him into a heart attack.....literally. So, don't kid yourself. However, I don't know that she is having an A....I'm just saying not to be so sure...ever....that a woman would not do that when her needs go unmet for a long time.
In short, from reading what little I have about your stitch, it sounds as though she is holding the "walking away" as a tool to get what she wants. To still be a party girl at her age sounds very immature to me, but you have apparently gone along with it and she likes it......so why should she leave?
I think you may have been a bit hard on yourself and not hard enough on her in your story. Somebody had to be the grown-up in the M. Why do you think she has such a need for a party lifestyle all the time? If you were to cut that off.......you feel that she would be ready to leave, right? That takes me back to what I said....she is using the "threat" to leave as her tool to get what she wants, just like a little girl.
You said it yourself......how long can you keep this party lifestyle going? At some point in an adult's life, they need to grow up. How does she interact with the 18 year old daughter? By that, I mean does she act more like her sister or another teenager, or does she truly act like her parent? Just wondering if she is in MLC. But, if she has always been this way.......may be hard to tell. How does she dress, etc? Does she dress sexy and act flirtatious when she is out at parties? Does she do things to make you jealous? Have you seen any changes in any of that since all of this talk of leaving has started?
Well, keep posting. Try to find the forum where you feel you need to stay for a while, so we can keep up with you.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There has been a lot of good feedback over there....good people with good advice.
I still stick with the no other man theory. My mind is at ease with that. If she has been with another man the last two months, she has been sneaking out after we fall asleep and coming back before I wake up. Out of the last 60 days, we have been apart maybe 2 or 3.
The MLC thought has crossed my mind sometimes. I see little things that may point to that, but I do believe it is more what she has endured with me all these years.
The partying is something we both have enjoyed and was at one time a big part of our lives. Yes, as adults, you need to calm down a little, but I pretty much cut out the fun stuff completely..we are both probably making up for lost time right now, but I think we both know it can't last forever. We may be acting like teenagers, but we both know we are not.
She is not a flirt and does not dress overly sexy. She is a friendly outgoing, very social woman, who never got a chance to be herself.
If you do have the time please read my story and the posts that follow. I would welcome your input.
I was falling asleep here at the computer when I saw your post and just do not have the energy right now to comment more on your post....I'm sorry.
I have not read your other posts, but my wife is walking away slowly as well.
Dropped the bomb on New Years Eve, so its been almost 6 months of this with pretty much no end in sight.
Things are similar to how you describe however on a slower cyclical pattern.
We will go extended times behaving like normal married couple, followed by (thankfully) shorter periods where she gives me the 'dont get your hopes up' and goes right back to that proto-typical WAW mentality.
Then things slowly get back to where I litterally can 'enjoy the ride' just enough to be heartbroken all over again when she reminds me her convictions are still set and tries to convince me how horribe our relationship is.
There are several economic factors playing a role in how slow things are moving. And I am sure if that wasnt a factor she very well may have left a while ago.
But when things are 'normal' they are very good. She implies in several ways that we have a future together. Of course when the manic-like WA mentality returns, she doesnt seem to recall implying anything, or telling me what she felt I wanted to hear to avoid any potential conflict, etc.
Just to give you an idea of the peaks and valleys of these cycles we are going through: We have one child together and there has been plenty of talk about trying for a second this year(I am fully game, always have been). So yeah...it goes from waaaaay up there to waaaay down there. It sux. Its friggin madness I tell ya!
So I suppose I dont have anything to really say other than I feel ya, and I hate the fact that any other human being is going through something like this.
As far as treating her like a WAW - of course. And when things are normal again, go with the flow but do your BEST not to fall into old habits/behaviors that started turning her off to begin with.
There are times I strongly agree with the Sandi who mentioned she might pull this crap to get what she wants. And if thats true....well, I suppose its her due. I understand what a jerk I had been at times in the past and I dont blame her to be skeptical of any positive changes I make, especially at times when I may slip into former poor habit. Its tough, we are all human ya know.
People have little idea how hard it is to live in this rollercoaster where you CANT HELP but 'get your hopes up' because most of the time spent together is pretty good.
So I feel ya!
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
You guys are way more patient than I am. When mine dropped the bomb, she stayed in the house for a month after and we were on the roller coaster too but I could not take it and actually asker her to please move out ASAP. We were getting nowhere and the way she was treating the kids (ignoring) was killing me and her. It may not have been the right thing to do but I think it was better for my kids than to try to understand why their mom went from doting over them to ignoring them.
It is a tough spot to be in guys. I wish all of you and your families success.
"There are several economic factors playing a role in how slow things are moving. And I am sure if that wasnt a factor she very well may have left a while ago."
We are in the same boat, and I firmly believe if we had both been financially able to go out on our own she would have been gone a long time ago....heck, it could have been me that left, with the way things have been over the years....sad, but I AM SO thankful I have this chance now because of that.
Thanks for the input, and same to you guy.....it's a tough deal, and I really do not see how situations like ours really fit with many of the scenarios I see in the book or on here....they don't fit the "norm" as Forrest told me.
I have come to look at this time with her now as a gift...a last chance, and work constantly to deal with the ups and downs, though honestly, the downs lately are few.....a "don't get you hopes up" or two the last month or so.....still feels like a stab to the heart, even if it doesn't happen very often......
I have been trying to stay with my original post which is in my signature, if you are interested. I will try to get over to read your story....good to hear from someone in a similar situation.
Your situation is classic textbook walk away wife.
She's not having an MLC.
She's not having an affair.
She's simply reached a point where things in life are such that she feels capable of ending a marriage that has been unfulfilling to her for far too long.
Don't get in to playing word games with others on here who will try to convince you to kick her butt out the door.
Everything in those books applies PERFECTLY to your situation.
For crying out loud, you've already carried out MUCH of what is in those books as suggestions for restoring your marriage.
Things are good, not bad.
Honestly, if this thing fails, it will because you grew impatient and quit.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I was wondering from your last couple of posts.......has she always been an up and down type of personality? Is she ever on an even keel or is she either on the mountain top or down in a valley?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your situation is classic textbook walk away wife.
She's not having an MLC.
She's not having an affair.
She's simply reached a point where things in life are such that she feels capable of ending a marriage that has been unfulfilling to her for far too long.
Don't get in to playing word games with others on here who will try to convince you to kick her butt out the door.
Everything in those books applies PERFECTLY to your situation.
For crying out loud, you've already carried out MUCH of what is in those books as suggestions for restoring your marriage.
Things are good, not bad.
Honestly, if this thing fails, it will because you grew impatient and quit.
Blessings,
Bill
Bill I did not come back to this thread for just that reason....have been trying to stay with my first....I thought a little about the MLC, but you know how I feel about the way i treated my wife....I know why she is unhappy.
Also, no one will ever convince me she is having an affair. It is natural I suppose to have those thoughts cross ones mind, but it passes quickly.
The last couple of days talking to all of you over on my original thread has me thinking clearly and focused....thank you....(although there was a little issue last night you will read about if you go over there).
Most comments throughout this site are positive, but I can tell when someone is trying to stir things up, trust me...
Your situation is classic textbook walk away wife.
She's not having an MLC.
She's not having an affair.
She's simply reached a point where things in life are such that she feels capable of ending a marriage that has been unfulfilling to her for far too long.
Don't get in to playing word games with others on here who will try to convince you to kick her butt out the door.
Everything in those books applies PERFECTLY to your situation.
For crying out loud, you've already carried out MUCH of what is in those books as suggestions for restoring your marriage.
Things are good, not bad.
Honestly, if this thing fails, it will because you grew impatient and quit.
Blessings,
Bill
Bill I did not come back to this thread for just that reason....have been trying to stay with my first....I thought a little about the MLC, but you know how I feel about the way i treated my wife....I know why she is unhappy.
Also, no one will ever convince me she is having an affair. It is natural I suppose to have those thoughts cross ones mind, but it passes quickly.
The last couple of days talking to all of you over on my original thread has me thinking clearly and focused....thank you....(although there was a little issue last night you will read about if you go over there).
Most comments throughout this site are positive, but I can tell when someone is trying to stir things up, trust me...
