Sounds like you are doing well with putting the DB practices to work. I find the best help they do is to keep you on an even keel (it is kind of like an AD in a book). Before DB, it was so easy to get caught up in the emotional rollercoaster as our spouses swing back and forth in their emotions. Afterall we want them to be happy and we hope it is with us. The planning for our future and separating pendulum is very painful. When we show excitement about our future (which we should) then it scares them and they swing the other way.
My weekend went pretty well. Check out my thread in the separated section for details.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Hi - I relate to you very much. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and have successfully battled it. However 3 years ago my h went into the 'overt' phase of MLC - Replay etc, BUT I feel that my cancer started the process because he became terrified of me abandoning him. Not consciously terrified, but at a much deeper level. I have emails from that period saying how he could not imagine life without me etc.
My therapist agrees that this was probably the initial trigger in my case. A life threatening illness is a strong trigger. The final thing for my h was him being seeriously ill [not life threateningly], and my mother dying.
As you know, if it is MLC it is a long process, all about him, and all you can do is be strong for your kids.
I am sure you feel absolutely horrible having come through this, to have your husband behaving in this way, but you have come to a safe and supportive place.
Here is a list of other books that you might find helpful - not my list, but from a reliable source! You dont have to read them all! Others may suggest other titles. I find reading about it helpful. Makes you realise it isn't an isolated phenomenon and that others have had to deal with the same issues.
A
1. In Midlife by Murray Stein This is excellent and reviews stages which is why I think it is a good first book. It's also not too long--less than 200 pages I think. 2. Understanding The Mid-Life Crisis by Peter A. O'Connor Also not long, but may be over 200 pages 3. .Men In midlife Crisis by Jim Conway – an overtly Christian author. Probably the ‘standard’ work 4. The Middle Passage by James Hollis 118 pages--quite short! 5. The Seasons of a Man's Life by Daniel Levinson Longer--300+ pages? Also a more general study of several transitional phases. But excellent--the culmination of 10 years research, though the sample size was tiny.
6. I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real This isn't about MLC, but male depression. There are great books on dealing with a depressed person, but many of those may focus on classic (Overt/Deflationary) depression. Terrence Real does state (I think) that the only cure for Covert Depression is Overt Depression.
A person whose main goal is to avoid a crisis will always be on guard and will invite the crisis in an unrecognizable form. Crises are shape-shifters..
MLC is not mental disease. It is rather dis-ease. Schizophrenia, disease, can be inherited and the result may manifest in ways that are the same. A biological or chemical condition differs from dis-ease. MLC is mental and spiritual--though as with everything, it has biological components, but they are the components of midlife transition--standard aging; the crisis is the mental/spiritual fears and avoidances.
Better take a try on one of those mechnical bulls....that is what it feels like sometimes. Seriously we are for you and vice vs. I can't tell you how helpful this place has been for me
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Thanks Twin. I've watched those mechanical bulls a couple of times, but never had the nerve to get up on one. If I thought I could look as good as Debra Winger in the movie Urban Cowboy I’d try it in a heartbeat. I’m sure with my luck however I’d probably just break my arm. You’re right though, that is exactly what this MLC stuff feels like.
I’m trying to keep positive today. I looked at the calendar and realized that Friday is the one year anniversary of my cancer surgery. I should be thinking about celebrating, but all I can think of is what love and support I felt from my H. at this time last year. I never dreamed he would turn into whatever it is that he is now.
In the past, even when we would have a fight or argument we would never stay mad for more than a day or two. We were always friends, and in fact I had always thought I had married my best friend. Now though he doesn’t want me around. He’d rather spend his time drinking with his male buddies. Recently I heard that one of the older guys, (who is divorced 3 times and now on the outs with his most recent girlfriend), and who I think is just looking for a full time “party buddy” has been running me down to my H. That really hurt because I have always considered this guy to be a friend. Do you have any advice for dealing with “non-supportive friends” such as this?
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Ihope. One of the many lessons I have learned from dealing with MLC is who my friends are! And there have been some surprises, both ways. People I thought were very supportive have been less so, but many others have been real pillars.
I have very gently extricated myself from any non-authentic relationships while this has been going on. We have no choice but to fous on what is positive in our lives, and not on the negative. It is a good general rule, and an essential one if we are to survive this. It does get better, and we do get stronger. Life will never be the same again, but it could be better, hard though that is to imagine right now!
Perhaps this three time maried guy wasn't such a great guy to the women he married either?
It is interesting how peoples friends agenda can reek havoc in our lives. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the friend. It is likely that he has friends that are telling him he is making a mistake. Unfortunately, if he is a MLC then he will only listen to the people that agree with him.
If he did mention that his friend said somthing about validating his opinions, then I would probably say something along the lines of "Honey, why I didn't even think about getting relationship advice from (insert name), afterall he has had so many of them he is bound to be very experienced" Sorry I can be a bit caustic
As far as celebrating on Friday, by all means do so, with or without your H. I would ask him something along the lines of "hey, I was thinking about going out and celebrating friday night, do you want to go out?" Regardless of his response I would go out
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Had a nice, almost normal evening Wednesday and a good morning together Thursday. H. even phoned me at work (like the old days) to tell me a bit of news he had heard. I was calm and friendly, and I have to tell you it sure made my day.
I went home after work, let the dog out and started dinner. H. called me at 6:15 to tell me that he was just getting out of work, had a very dirty, dusty day (he works construction) and was going to stop for a couple of beers. I thanked him for calling me, and told him that I was going to go ahead and eat then, since I needed to go for blood work at 7 am and needed to fast 12 hrs first. He said, "Oh? I thought you had that blood work already done, what did you make for dinner?" I said "spaghetti", and he said "I haven't had spaghetti in quite a while." I told him to go ahead with his plans, that it would be here when he gets home. I told him to have fun, but be careful and again, thanked for letting me know. (That has always been a reason for fights, he would stop at the bar and I would be sitting at home wondering where he was and waiting alone....)
Then I ate dinner by myself, drank a glass of wine on my deck, took a new book that I am reading and went to bed. His couple of beers turned in to about 4 hours, and I woke up briefly when he got in to bed. He must have tossed and turned for a while, because I woke up again about 3 am when he got out of bed. He went downstairs to the couch and turned on the TV.
I got up early and went downstairs to get in the hot tub. H was awake on the couch, and I asked why he had trouble sleeping. He said “probably because I have so much on my mind.” I just said “hmmm” and went and got in the hot tub.
About 10 minutes later he came and joined me! Bringing me a cup of coffee, which I couldn’t drink because of the pending blood work, but I thanked him anyway. He seemed down and depressed (Why do depressed people self-medicate with alcohol???) but I kept things light and friendly. I reminded him that a year ago today we were in the hospital having my surgery. He seemed surprised, and had not remembered that. I said”I was hoping maybe we could go out for dinner or something to celebrate” and he said “we’ll see.” I said “ok”, and nothing more. Another unusual response for me, because he knows how much I hate it when he won’t commit to plans. Over the years I have learned that he doesn’t like to say no to me, so he will often say “we’ll see” when he really means no. This guy is pretty controlling and hates confrontation. If he came out and said no, he knows it might make me mad, we would probably fight, and then I would have all day to go and make some other plans.
So I didn’t give him the response he was expecting. I got out of the hot tub first, and started to get ready for my day. We had more conversation, but I remained detached. I could tell that he was trying to push buttons. He asked me if I wasn’t going to go to the bar that I went to last week when he had brought home dinner to me and I wasn’t there. I said “ No, I’ll be home tonight after work, and you will probably be sitting in the bar.” At that point I had to fight to keep from tearing up. He said “Are you crying for me?” I said “no, I’m just thinking about how things were last year, how you were here for me (and thinking now you’re not).” Then he said “just remember that I was here to get you thru it”. He gave me a big, long hug, said “don’t cry for me, because I’m not worth it.” Then he walked out the door and drove away. (Can you hear the music swell and fade?) Brother!
So, despite this, I am actually feeling pretty good. There have been some positive things happen with H this week. I have a bottle of good champagne chilling in the fridge. My best girlfriend (and neighbor) is going to stop by on her way home from work and will help me drink it. If H. comes home, great. If he doesn’t I will leave him a note and she and I will go out and have dinner. You can bet I will be steering clear of any place that he might be.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Impressive 1hope!!! You are a quick learner of the DB practices and look at the little baby steps he made (a big hug, joining you in the hot-tub etc). You combined some 180s and GAL and didn't talk about the R. I think the only thing I might have considered would be to respond to him thinking about stuff on his mid with something like "do you want to tell me what is on your mind" But what you did was probably a 180 and was just as effective. Remember if he does talk it is best to mainly listen at this stage.
Sounds like you got yourself set up for a nice night....enjoy yourself! Maybe he just might join you. If he doesn't I can bet he will have wished that he did in the morning.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
H just called me at work (that makes 2 times this week!) to tell me that he was home and to discuss some road construction that is going on in front of our home.
He sounded pretty positive and upbeat, but when it came time to hang up there was awkard split second before he said "see you later."
No mention of dinner, was I getting out on time, do either of us have plans?? I'll bet when I get home he won't be there, will be down sitting in our local pub with all the friends we have spent every other Friday evening with for the past few years. Except that now he doesn't want me to be there. He needs his space.
Ok, I have to keep breathing. It doesn't matter. My friend is coming and we will toast my 1 year survivorship and enjoy the champagne. I can do this. (just wish I didn't have to
Hope that you have a good weekend Twin. I'll be saying a prayer for everyone here that is hurting.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
