after a 26yr empty marrige, had an affair with one true love cant get out of head, hes unavailable, not thrilled with his reaction to my husband finding out, husband wants to work out fear may be too late. cant let husband in heart till affair out how do i do this. held onto this guy for 30yrs in my heart!!
And you're exactly right, you'll never be able to work on your marriage as long as you're still involved/in contact with OM.
From your short post I do have one question. Do you think maybe your 26 year marriage just might have been empty if you've been holding on to the OM for over 30 years? How can you have a fulfilling marriage if you're still hung up on someone from that long ago who by your own admission is unavailable? Dont' you think YOU deserve a true marriage, possibly with the one you've been married to for 26 years?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
i agree, how do you get rid of an obsession with someone you cant have but feel destined to end up with??? i know this sounds ridiculious, im 49, educated, own a small company, but this piece of me is always haunting me, please view my whole orig post for all details, i appreciate your feedback
i agree, how do you get rid of an obsession with someone you cant have but feel destined to end up with??? i know this sounds ridiculious, im 49, educated, own a small company, but this piece of me is always haunting me, please view my whole orig post for all details, i appreciate your feedback
You stop thinking about it is how. Destiny is really a romantic notion and one that is thought of if it is meant ot be sort of thing. It is not something that you seek. Your "destiny" is with your husband. Put everything in to that relationship and start to associate something you dislike with this OM. He is unattainable so why "try" to wreck your life and all of those around you? kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If you were "meant to be" with this OM, he would be with you. He isn't. You are just being used. You are an easy convenience. Also, it probably stokes his ego having someone like you idolizing him. And he doesn't have to give you much to have you worshipping and waiting for him.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
JC, I saw your post on another thread. I thought it would be helpful to post it here:
Originally Posted By: jcneedshelp
been married for 26 yrs. in a sex and emotionally starved relationship. stayed for kids busy with work, let life go. ive been miserable for ever!! contacted old flame my first and only true love, we had an explicit on line affair, eventually got to gether had sex i got emotionally attached all over again. asked my husband to leave would have rather been alone, or other mans mistress as he said in same situation, but would not leave his wife. my husband found out, it was not pretty. now my husband is like casanova, willing to do anything to fix our marrage!!! im so confused. broke off in not a great way with affair, still long for him although i suppose would never work out. want to try fix marrage, alot of my life invested. right now although sex is back after 20 yrs. i dont feel love or sexual attraction for him!!! what do i do. one minute im ok next a wreck. this has been going on since january!!!
You will lots of support here. There are other's on this board that have been in an A, but found their way back. You may want to seek out Sandi who is in Newcomers and Piecing a lot.
What do you want? It sounds like you want to work on your M? If so, don't despair if the feelings aren't there. If your M has been so void of feelings/emotions/connections for so long, it will take awhile, and some serious work, to rebuild. BUT YOU CAN DO IT!
If you want to do counseling, make sure you find a pro-M counselor.
The first thing you need to do is to let go of the OM. You can't have 3 people in an R. You're going to need all your energy to work on your M, you won't have any to spare on OM.
Please seek out Sandi. I just posted to her thread on Piecing so I'll send her your way.
Hi JC, I was asked to stop by and meet you. I'm Sandi and I almost walked away from my 41 year M. I too felt the emptiness that you speak of and like you I had an EA over the Internet with OM. However, he was not a long lost love b/c I had never met him before. I have never seen him in real life, just saw him over the web cam. I did IM, email, and had phone calls. Anyway, my H found out, and like your H, he started smothering me and after so many years of not having my emotional needs filled by my H....it just didn't work. So, I'm telling you all of this to let you know that I understand your feelings.
Now that I have your attention (I hope), let me say that all posters don't say exactly what you need to hear when you get up your nerve to finally come on line to ask for help. With that in mind, please....please don't leave us. You will find help and strength here if you will stick it out. So many woman that are in the same situation as you, will come and post a couple of times and then quit. We can't help you if you don't stay with us, even though you've been moved around on the board, don't give up.
I want you to know that there are many of us women here on this board that have been in similar situations like yours, but it takes time for us to find each other. That was one reason I was asked to come find you. So, I hope that you will hang on and let us try to help you and encourage you.
I did not have a PA with my OM and it has taken a long, long time to get him out of my head. I blame myself for that b/c I was feeding the fantasy that I had about him. You said you were obsessed with your OM.....I certainly can understand that and especially when you don't have feelings for your H.
Did I understand you correctly in your post about your H? Did you mean to say that you had not had sex in 20 years? Then after he discovered the A with OM, now you are having sex? Could you clear this up for me if this is not correct? I thought I held the record for going the longest without sex, but if you went 20 years.....you are indeed the record breaker.
I will go back and read your story from the beginning. Then I will know more about your stitch.
Don't give up and give us time to help. Stay on the DB board, okay? The weekends are a little slower b/c many are involved with weekend plans, but get back into things during the week. I will keep watch to see if you reply.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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