I've been on the Newcomer's forum, my thread was "Husband's Midlife Crisis" I'll try to fill you in on what has happened. My H told me 9/6/07 that he wanted a divorce. I had no ideal that anything was wrong except that he had been distant to me over the last couple of months. I discovered he met OW on a scuba diving trip the end of June, they started emailing, texting & phone. H quit is excellent job in Nashville & move to Austin, TX to be with her 3/5/08, this is the longest they have ever been together. I'm so devastated, we were so much in love at one time. He adored me as much as I adored him but he is 48 years old & I believe is going through MLC. H won't admit it.
I don't believe it will work with OW but I don't know how long it is going to last. H was the love of my life & I am having a hard time giving him up plus I realize it is a MLC & hope I could forgive him. He is or was such a good, kind & caring person but has seemed to change over night. H was so mean & cruel to me, not abusive but hateful & very hurtful saying he just wants to be away from me & he doesn't love me anymore. He did tell me that he didn't know what love was until he met me. I cannot imagine my life without him. We went thru mediation 3/3/08 & settled. From what I understand my husband was not happy with the settlement. I got the house & 3 years of alimony, he said I drained him. H also had to pay all lawyer's fees including the mediator. Total for just that day was over 9000.00.
4/8/08 the divorce is final. Hopefully one day he will come out of his fog & realize what he has done.
H moved things out of house 4/11 & 4/12/08, it was hard but I made it. We were cordial to each other.
I got an email from OW on 4/14/08, here is what it says:
I just want so say thank you.....for the most beautiful, amazing, kind, caring, and loving man I've ever known in my life. I am truly blessed beyond my dreams.
(And of course, for not suing me - that was so generous of you!)
Life goes on...I wish you all of the good stuff...love and happiness and freedom from anything that does not lead you there.
I am happy it is all over and I am sure you are too.
Finally we call all B-R-E-A-T-H-E.!
Take care,
Debbie
Can you believe this????????? I called H & left him a message on his cell phone, here is what I said: I don't know if you are aware of this or not or have any knowledge of this but I think it is in very poor taste for your woman friend to email me THANKING me for giving you to her when I didn't, in reality she stole you from me. That is totally without class for her to do this. I would appreciate you telling her NEVER to contact me again. We left it on a decent note. It is not even appropriate for her to contact me, there is not any reason for her to contact me this is between you & me not her.
Then I hung up! I was so mad!!!! I stayed pretty calm when I left that message but I'm sure he could tell in my voice that I was mad. The nerve of that woman!!! I'm pretty sure H didn't condone this, he wouldn't.
So, there is my story & I'm just having some hard times right now. I do hope he will come out of the fog, I keep hoping he will call.
I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to shorten. I guess I'm just wanting to see what everyone thinks & if there is a chance he might come out of his fog.
A little update on the last post, I believe H started MLC in 2004 after my cousin died suddenly at age 47. That had an affect on my H & the next year he took up sky diving & scuba diving. Then the next year is when he met OW. I know he should have resisted but I also know that if she had not contacted him first he wouldn't have kept in touch.
I'm just having such a hard time right now. He was my best friend & I miss talking to him so bad. I keep wanting to call but I won't.
Hi nlt- We welcome you here...but at the same time, we are sad that you are joining us.
I can not believe the audacity of the OW to send you that email. She is in complete denial of what she has done. She wanted to THANK YOU???? I am so sorry.
I am not going to lie, this is a long and difficult process. We are all here to support you through it so keep posting.
I couldn't believe it either when OW "Thanked Me", just like he was a gift or something. I don't believe my H condoned that & I doubt he knew she did it until I called & left him a voice message. That just goes to show what kind of person she really is & I hope he will realize that soon. He thought his first wife was manipulative, she doesn't hold a candle to this woman, I don't think anyway. She has already been married at least 3 times if not more & she was on that scuba diving trip to get her a Man. I don't know for sure but I believe she has done this before & will probably do it again & I doubt she was faithful to my H while he was still here. My H usually doesn't like women like her, he says they slept with every Tom, Dick & Harry & he just doesn't like it. I just cannot figure out what kind of control she has over him. We were so happy & so much in love, he was almost obsessed with me. He would call all the time just to say he loved me & ask me if I loved him. He bought me an SUV for Xmas 2006, so you could tell then he wasn't planning this.
H's son (from 1st marriage 21) told my H's SIL that he knows his Dad is going thru a MLC & that he didn't even know this OW except thru emails & a few visits. He has been out there since 3/6/08 & this is the longest they have ever been together.
I'm so glad I have found this site! Thank you so much for your support, I'm really having some hard days.
How long does this usually last?? I know everyone is different.
We were so happy & so much in love, he was almost obsessed with me. He would call all the time just to say he loved me & ask me if I loved him. He bought me an SUV for Xmas 2006, so you could tell then he wasn't planning this.
I could have written something very similar about my H. I always thought he loved me more than I loved him so I would never have to worry about him leaving me. Gee was I wrong!
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I'm so glad I have found this site! Thank you so much for your support, I'm really having some hard days.
This site has been a godsend to me. It has help me not feel so alone and I can't tell how much it helps to have others who understand what you are going through. Keep posting...vent, ask questions, read other's threads and comment. We are all helping each other get through this.
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How long does this usually last?? I know everyone is different.
If your H is having a MLC it will take time...lots of time...and lots of patience. Here is a link to the MLC Resources. Read this especially the Six Stages of MLC. People have said here that MLC takes 2-7 years. I am approaching 15 months post bomb and seeing positive movement from my H but I am trying not to dwell too much on where he is in all of this. We LBSs are constantly reminding ourselves to keep our expectations at zero and not to pay too much attention to where we think our spouses may be in the stages. There are no guarantees that our spouses will return and that is part of the reason why we have to detach, GAL and work on our PMA.
Hang in there...this is a long journey but, as hard as it is to believe, you will find it rewarding in ways you never expected.
I just can't tell you how mad I feel about what OW wrote to you.
What a complete senseless, uncaring idiot to do that to you.
Your sitch is a lot like mine. I am divorced too. My ex is with his secretary now. However, I think he is slowly coming out of his MLC.
We are here for you
Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Well, I haven't called him except to leave that voice message to tell her to never contact me again. I would love to just call & talk to him but I know I can't. Maybe she realizes that he really did love me. Even after he told me he wanted a D he did say that he didn't know what love was until he met me.
When he was here on 4/11 & 4/12/08, H expected the grass to be grown up & everything look bad, b/c we worked together planting flowers & working in the yard. I had the inside & outside looking great, flowers planted, yard mowed. He asked if my Dad came & helped me, I told him no that I did it myself. He seemed surprised. H's SIL told me that he told them that I would loose the house & have to move back home with my parents. I'll show him! I tried to be upbeat & pleasant around him. He did have his guard up.
OW gave him a chain to wear, I always wanted to get him one but he didn't want one b/c it would pull the hairs, so I asked him about it & said "you never wanted one", he said "it was a gift", I said "Yeah" & he did look at me funny like he was saying don't start. Nothing else was said. Since he has been around her he is shaving his chest & back hairs, I knew everytime before he was going to see her because he would shave. The hairy chest & back didn't bother me, so I guess he is still pretending with her.
We had so many good memories together!!! We went thru pictures & that just brought them all back. He did take a few of me & him together at the CMA Awards & also of he & I in our swim suits on the beach, I think he took one of me & the dogs. He got a lot of himself in the pictures that he looked good in & was skinny & looked younger. He made the comment at how young he look & not old like he is now. I just want him to wake up so bad!!!!!!! He also saw a few pictures of me & made the comment on several of them that it was a good picture of me. That made me feel good, but he didn't take those. We looked at honeymoon pictures & all of our trips together, so sad & so many memories. I hope this has jogged his memory a little but so far he is not acting like it. And of course he is still lovey dovey with OW.
On 4/12/08 is when his brother, SIL & son came to help him move. My friend was with me. I was very upbeat the whole day.
He did get a little snippy with me a couple of times & right at the end of the day b/c he was leaving stuff he should take & I can't get rid of that stuff by myself, I told him lets not do this right at the end, I teared up a little bit.
I couldn't help it, I did break down when he left. He hugged me & said "Have a nice life" & I was crying, he hugged me again & I told him, "I really did love you" he wished me good luck & I said the same thing. I said I hope we can be friends, he nodded his head, so who knows. He went to the dogs & hugged them & told them he loved them, then before he walked out I hugged him & said "I told myself I wasn't going to cry" he left & my friend saw him, she thought he wiped a tears from his eye, so I don't know if that was b/c of me or b/c of the dogs. He knows he will probably never see one of them again.
The next day his son came back to get a few things that his Dad had given him & he asked me if I was going to sell the house. I told him no that I planned on staying here, so I have a feeling my H told him to find out. He got in a hurry & left some things here that I'm sure he will eventually want. We'll see.
My friend thinks in a few months when this wears off with OW that he will be calling me. I just don't know for sure.
I really broke down & cried after he left but he didn't see that. I'm not really sure how I did but my friend thought I handled things pretty well while they were all here considering all that I've been through & as snippy as he got with me a couple of times. I wish I had not cried but I just couldn't help it.
On 4/14/08 was when OW sent that email. That made me so mad too, everytime I think about it! I want to say something to her but I won't. I know he turned in his Nashville cell phone number & has a TX number now. I asked him for it & he gave it to me so she may not have known that he gave me that number. Just goes to show what kind of bitc... she really is. I hope he will see that soon!!!! I don't think she will be faithful to him & he can be jealous or he was with me anyway, she likes to party & he is ok with that at times. I did find out they are renting a house & didn't buy.
So true! But from what everyone has said I did the right thing by not responding to her. She just wanted to make me mad. One of my cousins told me I should have sent her an email back & said that I was trying to find a place to dump my trash so I dumped it on her.
I wouldn't have done that!! I'm still very heartbroken & truthfully he is a wonderful man, he has just lost his mind right now. To quit his job here, especially in these times, was so stupid!!
I am so sorry.