Confused no longer - Give me the strength

[Snow White]

Fifth thread starting and it had become abundantly clear that regardless of what method I choose I am not making any progress.

I tried to be the greener grass. H continued behind my back.

I tried to play tough. H balked and continued behind my back.

I exposed to everyone, H moved out and continues to lie and now it is because of me "always having a plan" that we are at this point....

The depth of his lies are in question, is he living with OW, maybe. Is he contacting her since he moved out - definitely. Proof of that is easy to come by he has been gone for 3 weeks today. The phone bill covered the first 11 days, in 11 days there were 13 calls. They weren't marathons, 58 minutes total for all 13, one being 13 minutes long the night that he told me he was leaving before he walked in the door of my house. Still claims she is just his friend.

He tells me he is living at a friend's house that lives less than a block from here, part of me believes him, part of me screams NO at the first part.

I try to DB, but it does not work for me. When I did question H about the # of texts to OW he said that you never reply when I text you. The days I slipped up and did reply, there were no texts to her. This does not justify his actions but it does make me wonder if the ignoring his texts is a good fix for my sitch.

I am no good at being mysterious, or maybe I don't know how to do it right. Although H is God knows where he is very concerned about what I am doing every Saturday night(which is a whole lot of nothing). Last night I had a sitter because I was supposed to go see wrestling. H must have asked 50 times if I was doing anything or who with. I said maybe I am not sure. Finally I decided to go out for a bit, I got dolled up felt good, did some drivebys of some local hangouts but didn;t see any of my friends at any so I went to BINGO. Yes BINGO a real night on the town. I was going to go to the casino after but I was too pooped.(at 9:30 ) So I came home - H made the blocked call at 10:20.

Today when he came over I still had the necklace and ring I had put on last night(in place of my wedding ring which I have not worn for months(too big and not sizing it now)). H asked why I was wearing it. I tried to be mysterious.

me - Oh I put this on before I went out last night.

H - where did you go

me - just out

H - where did you go I am asking

me - no where special, nothing to worry about I was home by the time you called

H - did you have someone here?

me - no

H - are you sure it took you awhile to answer the phone

me - it was a blocked call I was considering not answering at all

H - I was driving by when I called I saw another car here(lie)

me - don't be stupid

H - where did you go tell me now

me - I don't need to I don;t know where you were

H - I have told you 100 times where I am, I am at (x's) same person he always says

H - now stop being an idiot and tell me where you were - were you at (bar)

D - chimes in - she was at Sobey's(a grocery store where I did go after BINGO)

Me - I did go to sobey's at one point

H - fine we were going to have a nice day but if you want to be this way D do you want to go out shopping with daddy?

D - No I want to go back to the park and play ball with mommy

H - D who was at the park with you playing ball,

D - no one

H- there were no other grown ups there?

D - no

Finally I gave in, as H got angrier and angrier (is this the point of being mysterious). Two hours later, H is still thinking about it "right, BINGO, nice story like I believe that."



Previous Posts

Stronger - But still confused

and 3 more! Too lazy, inside that one if you really want to read them, mostly just a bunch of bunk about a very niave lady...

[Snow White]

Oh and of course by the time H left today we were fighting again. We actually had a decent afternoon, went to pick up a new phone(on H's credit card as he broke the other) then had lunch out. Came home I took D in the back yard to play catch> H made a point of saying he wasn't coming out but showed up when no one cared.

H - you can't even catch one of my balls
Me - I guess well never know

So we played catch for about a half hour, laughed and had a good time. (we fell in love working together(like OW) and playing baseball)

Came in and tried to set up his new phone on the contract, can't do it till tomorrow morning. All of a sudden H got goofy. Did not want me to activate it(my name is one the account) because I will go looking through the texts, of course the q is why is that a concern? Oh because Bob might have sent something and you always go crazy over nothing and who knows what he said. I can see you sitting there all day at work getting all upset everytime the phone goes off.

Me - this is the problem
H - yeah you go crazy over everything
Me - secrets and lies
H - why do you ruin every good day!

So here is the kicker, I am nosey I am crazy. H took my cell phone until tomorrow morning so he could call and say good night to D and so we have a contact number for him. (if he texts her from my phone I will peak!) He just called here, to nonchalantly ask who's number is xxx? It was one of my closest friend's, oh just wondering who you were talking to for 23 mintues - well that was over a month ago so he is going through every call.

I honestly had to giggle - maybe it is more of an insane laugh. Ok mister - isn't this what you were just so hyped up about me doing? H - well there are a lot of numbers on here that are not in your address book. Yup I get a lot of people that call me and it is the wrong number.

[whatdidido]

Hmmmmm....he does NOT like not knowing where you were........he was getting jealous.............this is good....methinks he is liking his cake and eating it too. I am saying this, but I haven't read any of the other threads.

Have you every checked on him being at his "friend's house" when he says? Is that the deal breaker?

[whatdidido]

Now, you can check the cell bill whenever you want, etc. Correct? You have made a "no contact" deal with husband, right?

[kat727]

(((((Neecy))))). I know that there have been times I wanted to throw in the towel, we all have. I can hardly remember what I was like then. I do know I cried alot and missed H terribly.
I only found this site in February because I was looking to see if I had any say about the Divorce and how to stop it.
I don't know that I have even made a dent with him and like we get sick of everyone saying, this one isn't about the S it is about you. Trying to get ourselves to a better place mentally and emotionally. Afterall, haven't you spent months on him, trying to second guess him, where is he, what does OW do/have that I don't. None of that matters.
Neecy matters. If he doesn't see that now, maybe he will later when you have stopped giving him so much control over you. Let's starting think about you and your sweet D4. Find stuff that you can do together and stuff that you can do just for you. I promise you will start to feel so much better.
kat

[Snow White]

Hmmmmm....he does NOT like not knowing where you were........he was getting jealous.............this is good....methinks he is liking his cake and eating it too. I am saying this, but I haven't read any of the other threads.

Have you every checked on him being at his "friend's house" when he says? Is that the deal breaker?

I have been trying not to check, for my own sanity. I think you are right, cake eating has been mentioned many time by many of the experts on here. I drove by once and saw his car. I have driven by OW's house numerous times and never seen it, she has a garage, she will be evicted if he is living there. One reason that points to him not staying there is that last Sunday morning he texted her about 20 times before he came here to spend the day, that would be odd if they were in the same house. There are things I could do to find out for sure, like go right to the apartment he is supposed to be staying at and ask the guy, but if he is staying there, it will cause a lot of issues that I did that.

[whatdidido]

Ok, then you have to trust him. BUT, he is still texting. Has he told you he would stop contact?

[Snow White]

Now, you can check the cell bill whenever you want, etc. Correct? You have made a "no contact" deal with husband, right?

When H was still living at home when this first happened he agreed not to call her anymore but they worked together 44 hours a week. Then she was transferred and he was contacting her again, not 200 times like the month I discovered but 38 in a month. When I confronted him he said he didn;t see him stopping talking to her because she was his friend. I called this a deal breaker then didn;t back it up, a month later I got the bill and he hadn't contacted her(other than at her work number) which was a lot of progress. However, after a nasty scene the night of his birthday I asked him to leave and told his parent the whole story, he was home after one night and then picked a fight and decided to move out to clear his head a week later, the phone bill came in there were no calls to her until the day that I told his parents and the the calls and the texting started up again. More so following the night her left our house.

[Snow White]

Ok, then you have to trust him. BUT, he is still texting. Has he told you he would stop contact?

He has told me he would "try". He told me that Tuesday night this week when he was shocked that I told he couldn't move back in if he was even still talking to her at work. So this reulted in him texting her 15 times the first day of trying anf 40 times the second and 3rd day. You see up until this month the phone bill just showed # of texts not to who. So trying means lying for my H. It was texts instead of calls.

[whatdidido]

oh man......ok, I see the situation now. So, he is "clearing his head" now, which means he is probably seeing her otherwise he would just stay home. He looks at your numbers on your phone, yet doesn't want you to see his phone.....you need to call him on that. Have you asked him to go to Pro-marriage counseling?