I let my last thread peter out a while back. I haven't posted much here recently, but have been following several people's threads I find instructive.
I was making good progress DBing for a while, or at least I thought so. I had a sitch I know many here would kill for-- H still wanted to spend a lot of time w/me and ML (sex now fantastic-- we hadn't ML in a couple years prior to him leaving). But he continued to insist he wanted a D, which confused and upset me, even though I knew I shouldn't believe anything coming out of an MLCer's mouth. He was sick a lot and needed me to care for him, which I gladly did.
I finally got burned out and tried to go dark on him for a bit after he got to feeling a little better. He acted hurt and pissy, I lost my temper and had a major backslide (let him have it, accused him of purposely giving me false hope). I subsequently ended up in the hospital with chest pains (I'm okay!).
H now acts like nothing happened, which could be either good or bad. Initially he gets mad when I blow up (says I'm mean), then seems to forget about it.
Here's my quandary. I picked up a book the other day that outlines a 3 month program for getting over a broken heart. It has been through umpteen editions, and has genuinely seemed to work for a lot of people. The authors say the LBS' pain typically drags on for half the length of the R (I was M 25 years, so by their calculation I would be more or less miserable for another 12 1/2), and that some carry 10% or so of it around forever. The formula frequently quoted here for MLCers (maybe) coming out of their idiocy is 1 month for every year of the R (that would be another 25 months in my case, if I'm lucky).
The 3 month program is very anti-DB, unfortunately, but I'm wondering if I should try it anyway. The chest pain thing gave me a real scare. If H and I don't reconcile, I don't think I could take another 12 1/2 years of this!
A Its probably useful and helpful to read about other programs this DB takes time no guarantees the only thing is I think we need time 1. try to save our marriage..a year-2 so we have no regrets 2. probably it takes about that amount of time to really grieve and heal and make the changes we need to make this or another R work so just my opinion and I dont really have any answers I would keep the idea in my reach for that program and possibly try this one first for a time get a little therapy and work on changing myself and healing good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for replying. It's early days for me yet, just 4 mos S, so I know I sound like a real quitter for considering throwing in the towel. But it's also not the first time H and I have been S (3rd time in 10 years), and as you can see from my ref to intimacy issues, the M has had its serious problems. I still love my H, though, and would like to give it another shot, but I don't want to make myself seriously ill in the process.
I thought I was doing pretty well detaching, but was really still having expectations (we'd been getting along great, so not altogether unreasonable). I am trying to go and stay relatively dark on H, but he doesn't seem to like it, and keeps trying to suck me back in. Often when we're together-- at his request!-- he tells me all he really wants is to be alone. But then he asks me out to dinner and/or over to his apt. like every 3rd night or so. Can't figure the guy out. I am trying to be a good sport, but I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I don't want to violate the no advertising rule here, but the book/program has to do with "Letting Go."
A The whole situation with a mlcer is very confusing so we think we are doing well, getting along, talking better than in our m..the mlcer likes the new R, but they do not want to come back..we are devastated and confused more this is the journey as far as I can see it roller coaster ride and if we want them back , we have to wait it out 1-2 years and that is if its an easy one and still no guarantees its a decision we all have to make and remake more than once pray, you will make the right choice and although My ride started 15 months ago and Ive been standing, my H still claims he is done with M I dont think it was a waste of my time though as ive grown and changed a great deal peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Your H still claims he wants D, but has not filed yet? I will catch up on your thread. So many Hs seem to put off D for such a long time... if they are sure that's what they want, why do they wait? Maybe given enough time, he'll come to his senses. I wish you (and all of us here, for that matter!) luck (and love).
I guess I was tempted by the quick fix-- must learn patience. I'm sure I would regret it forever if I did not do everything in my power to salvage my M. My H is certainly worth the effort. He is a good (if confused) man, not a vicious spewer like so many I've read about here. He's had his share of nasty moments over the years, but not recently-- lately he is just very sad, never mean.
He called this afternoon to ask me out to dinner-- Mr.-I-Vant-To-Be-Alone lasted a whole 2 days without seeing me. I went, although I probably shouldn't have. Had a good time, anyway-- at least I know he misses me, right?
I need to do better GALing, though. I shouldn't be available every time he calls.
I did join a writing group-- their next meeting is Saturday, and I have to produce something for the group to critique between now and then (I am dreading it). It's legitimate excuse for taking a couple nights off from H, anyway. I started ballroom dancing classes a while back, but with everybody in my family getting sick (myself and S as well as H), I haven't been able to go in over a month. I need to get back to it. I was studying for the GRE for a while, too-- got to get back to that as well. I am thinking about going back to school, but right now I just don't know where I'll get the energy. This D business sucks it all up.
((((((Andabelle)))))) Great to hear from you again! I'm so glad you're feeling better.
Eventhough your H is following through with D proceedings, it seems he still wants you to be part of his life. Obviously he's still depressed and so very confused. This waivering back and forth can last a long time. It's a very positive sign that H keeps asking you out. Don't accept every invitation. Every once in a while tell him you have other plans and remain a little mysterious. It's really important you continue to GAL - the writing group sounds great and continuing the dance class would be wonderful. I'm also taking a dance class and it's great for my PMA.
In your last post you said you were going dark. How is that going?
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
