Ready for the long ride.

[LucasE]

Hi. I have been drowning my sorrows with all of your stories and now it is my turn.

We met in high school. 1984. We were just friends but I was in love. Eight years later, she called me up. Two years later we were married. 1994. Add a d7 and a s4 and we were a model family. I told a new friend four days before the bomb, that W and I were soul mates.

November 28th, 2007, BOMB. ILYBNILWY. She soon wrote a long letter that defined exactly why she didn't want to be married to me anymore. Usual stuff, I know now, it described an unhappy life together with no communication and no joy. I abandoned her too often for my work. I told her I loved her but I didn't show her. I was only happy at work. The letter was three single spaced typed pages. I read it to a DB coach and she was impressed by a WAW who was so eloquent. I try to find comfort in being on a road so well traveled.

While buying W as many xmas gifts as I could find, I found The DR book. I read it but couldn't suppress my natural responses for another three months. I hit bottom when she discovered my suicide note. I never intended for her to find it but she did and the new cold W could only suggest therapy. She is big on therapy. She went to two sessions with her old therapist before the bomb. Now she goes every week. Mostly to recharge her separation batteries. Wednesdays are usually bad. She invited me to a couple sessions, but he is an analyst of the type Michelle warns us about and I was soon uninvited. We separated but are "bird nesting." Meaning the kids stay in the family home and the parents trade nights.

Now, for two months I have been DBing my arse off. When we worked out the nesting schedule, I wanted to tell d7 what was going on. D7 was fine with it because we seemed fine with it. I used that moment to change. I claimed that once I knew that the kids were going to be all right, I was all right, and it worked. Truth was I wasn't better, but she didn't know that. I backed off, and stopped the pursuit. According to The DR, it is working, but ever so slowly. I am in my version of LRT. I don't call first. GAL is in full effect. I'm in a new band, I go surfing, I have taken control of the children's schooling communications. I am always busy with something. We have to see each other every morning to take one of the kids to school on opposite sides of town, so really separating is not happening. I wonder if this is prolonging the situation. W is cool as a cucumber with absolutely no love for me. I got a hug last month that I have been living off of since, but none recently. She did touch my shoulder last week. Ooooohhhh. That part amazes me. How something I took for granted for 15 years is now so rare and so precious.

I don't like to say MLC. I think it might be just an excuse. However, W dresses up in little girly dresses every day now. High heels. Thin as a rail. Shopping sprees. Lasik. Botox. She wants breast augmentation. She spends hours on the computer, secretly texts on her iPhone, and dumps her husband. Oh, she's weeks away from 40.

I love her. I don't tell her, but I can tell you. I make a list of the good things that have happened as a result of all of this. One, I have changed my priorities for the better. I used to work too much. I now have a tight relationship with s4 that would not have happened. I have maintained and enhanced my relationship with d7. I have a killer body now myself thanks to not eating for 2 months and lots of curls with weights. I have relearned to be nice to everyone and that includes myself. I used to only work or be with my family. Now I have time to myself. And a new one is that I am not living in a marriage where one of the partners is unhappily going through the motions. At least now she is being honest. I think.

I was doing great. Yesterday I got a text from her that said "Hi baby, should I call or are you swamped with work?" I freaked. I called her right away. I knew she had been to her therapist and hoped she had worked something out. She hasn't called me baby since November 20th, 2007. She answered and apologized saying that the text was actually for her sister. Uh..., I've known her sister since 1984. I don't think she ever called her baby before. So now I suspect an OM. Or OW, I'm ready for anything.

Anyhoo, thank you for sharing your hurt. It was MM's recent success that got me started here. My prayers are with you all. Let's take the high road together. Have I said too much? If you are still here, these are my questions: Nah, I think you have already answered my questions. Should I back off? Yes. How do I show her that I will not abandon her again when she doesn't want me around? Now is not the time. Patience, right. Sigh. My life was so killer. I thought. We were married for 13 years so The DR says that I might be back in the saddle around Xmas. Wouldn't that be nice? I am ready for the long ride. help.

Me 41
W 39
d7
s4
M 13
ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Lucas, welcome to the club!

I hear you, not wanting to say MLC, but there are certainly signs of that. Fortunately?, for now, it probably doesn't matter.

Should I back off? Yes. How do I show her that I will not abandon her again when she doesn't want me around? Now is not the time. Patience, right.

Yep.

Have you read stories on the MLC board? How strongly do you suspect OM? Would it make a difference? Just things you might want to know the answer to before they come up.

Buckle up, it will be a long ride!

[Starshyne]

It sounds to me that you are doing a good job. I know how hard and painful this all is, and the fact that you are out there GAL and staying busy shows a lot about you. Keep it up!

[cat03]

sounds like you are doing great Lucas! it is great you've found yourself and have become closer to her kids.

I agree with you, MLC should not be an excuse but it fits your W to a T. Hope you've learned by now to not drown her with gifts just keep it simple or she'll think you are trying to buy her love (mother's day is coming up)

I've also been M 13yrs and have 2 kids. Again, you sound like you are doing good, do expect a rollercoaster (well, you've seen that happening here) when there are days you just dont think you can make it. Know it is a long road but you are already on the right path. A great book about separated couples is "getting back together", perhaps it might help you.

[LucasE]

Thank you all for the warm welcome. Last night was one of my nights away from the kids and it is always hard to get up in the morning. I haven't slept past 4 AM once since this all happened. But just now, I thought, maybe someone responded, and I sprung out of my cot. I get to take my d7 to school in a few minutes and face the W for the 10 minute transaction. My parents split badly when I was 10 and those transactions were horrific. My mantra has been, "This is not the same. I am not my dad or my mom. I can do better." So far so good, I think.

As for the OM, all I have is that text to her "sister." No other evidence at all. But after reading The DR a hundred times, I tell myself that it doesn't matter either way. I must continue my path regardless, right?

"Getting Back Together" I will get it today. This is my job now, to do everything I can to save my family. The rewards are too great to ignore. But I know that I may not prevail.

I like to try to prepare myself for what W will be wearing. She usually is all done up by the time I arrive.

It feels really good to be here. Thank you. I feel a spark in my heart that has been quite dark lately.

[minkerman]

Lucas, I will try to add my comments later...just heading off to a meeting right now.

But I did read your sitch and will try to help.

[minkerman]

OK I'm back...

I would ask her point blank, if there is OM. Just ask once, mind you, otherwise it will seem desperate, and projects a lack of trust. If she says "no", then say, "OK, I trust you, I will put that out of my mind, and will not ask again". Then mean what you say, and don't ask again!

The book "Getting Back Together" is quite good. However, the first half talks about what drives folks apart, and how separation can actually be good for a marriage. It tells you a lot of do's and dont's while separated, and gives you kind of a road map for reconciliation. The second half talks about how to reconnect once you are back together.

The key thing you need to do is to be consistent. Tell yourself what you are going to do, and then do it. If you say you are going to LRT, then do it...and monitor results.

If you say you are going to be upbeat every time she's around, DO IT. No matter how difficult.

Set goals, like it says to do in the DR book. Then monitor how you are doing against those goals. I did this, and was amazed at the progress we made...but I only noticed it when I sat down and reviewed the goals I had set.

Baby steps are essential to notice, and to write down (especially here). On your dark days, you will read the positives that you have written, and it will help your attitude.

The best thing you can do is to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. This is hard to do. But you have to be ready for the possibility that your wife will never come back. Once I did that, amazingly I felt 'lighter' and immediately had a better attitude toward the sitch. I was a lot nicer to my wife as well, and told her she had been set free. This reduced the pressure she felt, and eventually allowed her to think more clearly.

Anyway Lucas - keep posting here, tell us what's happening, and many here will try to help. Good luck!

[LucasE]

Thanks again you guys. I am a bit afraid of asking her about the OM. It seems like R talk for sure. Didn't Steve from DR decide that he wouldn't ask questions until he knew he would like her answer? I might not like her answer at all. But I can see where you are right. This should be about honesty and openness, which so far has always been true. For her to really try to insure that I knew that it was for her sister when it wasn't would be the first time she has ever lied to me in 25 years. I guess I don't really know that do I? I am going to have to really consider this action. Isn't it true that it shouldn't matter? I am going to have to do the work either way, right? I'll find out some day if it is real. I have been practicing that response for weeks. Something like, "Oh, that's nice. You do deserve to be loved. I am happy for you." Look how strong I am. I realize that sounds ridiculous, but that is how I would have played the Bomb moment if I could go back. Show strength. Shouldn't I act "as if" the affair doesn't matter?

A friend of mine said, "Well, her covering her tracks shows that she still cares about your feelings." I thought that was sure a good way to look at discovering that your wife is having an affair.

Along the same lines, I had this urge this morning to ask her how she is. I didn't. It seems like a simple and loving question that would show her I care, but I also think that it is R talk. I feel like I have to connect with her somehow. All of these "kid" conversations are just not connecting each other to our true feelings. Or do I let this be the space she is looking for? Maybe asking how she is could allow me to ask if she is dating anyone.

I have recently started my Solution Journal. It is a comfort to reflect on the good moments that would be forgotten. I was riding high on it's effect until I got the misdirected sister text. Since then, I have been using the possibility of her OM as expecting the worst. I am hoping that if I accept that the OM exists then I too will become lighter and have "a better attitude toward the sitch." Sort of giving in to the extent of it all. So far that hasn't quite been the case but it is early. My latest entry would be that she texted me last night to say that the kids were sleeping well. That is something I do every night, per her request, but she usually does not reciprocate. Good sign. That's a baby step, right? Today is bad so far, no contact. Usually by now I would have heard from her. I wish I didn't weigh my happiness on her call but I usually am much happier afterwards.

As for goals, and here comes fear, I am afraid that I might be disappointed when I don't reach them. But here goes, my goal is that in the next two weeks we could have a conversation that addresses real inner thoughts. Not R talk, but true friend stuff. I truly believe that I need to be her best friend first. Even a good friend would be nice for now. Right now it is more like old friends who had a falling out.

As for being upbeat all of the time in her presence, I believe that is what has stabilized the situation. Before she was angry at me every other encounter. Now we are pleasant most of the time. Tension only exists when discussing weekend schedules and the like. If I'm cool, she's cool. Upbeat stopped the crumbling.

A little more information about my situation. Her sister loves me. Her friends love me. Her mom loves me. I'm confident they will do what they can to help if the opportunity arises. The smart ones haven't told her she is blowing it. The others have been rejected by W. I stopped asking for their help early on. I had to figure out that one all by myself. (Her best friend has a big mouth.)

Oh, I forgot to add another important MLC element. W's father was a very important figure in W's life. She worked for him and he was a legend in his field. His death three years ago was a loss of her career, loss of her connection to the inner circle that was her life, loss of her hero, her mentor, and a loss of her father. She seemed to be all right, but I believe this has been boiling beneath the surface ever since he died.

UPDATE: Yes, she was all dolled up this morning. She was getting in the car when I arrived, so the encounter was brief. I think she does the whole overdone look after we connect too closely for her. The Chameleon Effect, right? She looked stunning. Where is she going today? She was kind. No hug. Ill record the look in my Journal.

I have yet to get the book. Maybe tonight. Thanks again for letting me in your club. I read your words like it's gospel. I will continue to be consistent. And when I can I will explore all of your sitches. I have known some of you for months.

My favorite quotes from my journey have been,
"Strength is sexy."
"Slow and Steady wins the race."
"An amazing thing just happened..." (that one gets me every time.)

[Virtually_Handsome]

I would not ask her about OM. I don't see how it could help you. As long as you are willing to move past it, if it exists, it doesn't matter, at least for now. I would keep your eyes and ears open. Not snooping, necessarily, but watching. Sort of a fine line to walk.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Might want to set your goals a smidge lower.

In two weeks you want to talk like best friends.

It takes time to be best friends again.