Still Working on Us

[hopeforfuture]

Time for me to start a thread in a new forum. I've been posting on the site since last year. Been through Newcomers, Infidelity and Piecing. After three months working on rebuilding our R, W told me that she still wasn't feeling what she should for me and that she needed to move out in order to figure out what she really wants. I'm not going to try and fill in all the blanks along the way, so I'll start fresh here with this past weekend.

Friday night was busy. I met some friends from my last job for a happy hour. Had a great time there seeing a lot of the old crew. The weather was great that day, so I rode my motorcycle to and from work. After the happy hour, my son's karate school had a movie night, so that meant two hours of free time for me and W. She had mentioned that she wanted to pack and clean during this time, but when I was at the happy hour, she texted me and asked if I wanted to meet her for drinks and appetizers. I said yes and met her at a bar local to our house. Had a very nice time with her. After that, we picked up the kids and then brought them to my IL's house so that we could go see her BIL's band play. The friends that I had been with earlier that night also went to the bar, so I hung with them for most of the night.

W was out on back porch at bar with her S. She told me later that a guy was trying to pick up her S who is married. W said what about me? He told her he thought she was out of his league, so he didn't bother. Now in the past, that wouldn't have bothered me, but today, I realize that it makes me insane. I'm not one for being aggressive and have never picked a bar fight, but I was close that night.

W (Mo2C - she has also posted in these boards) moved out Saturday into her own apartment. She rented a small moving van and her family came over to help out. I also helped with the move. It was a bit weird. I was feeling a bit anxious and on edge in the beginning of the day, but things went really well and I was feeling better when it was done. We got everything to the apartment and mostly set up. Our kids very quickly found friends from school that live close by and were out and playing in no time. W picked up pizza and beer and we hung out for a while before returning the van and then heading back to my house. W left, and I spent the rest of the evening with the kids. W came back later that night because she had forgotten her toothbrush and pajamas. She looked really upset and told me the next day that it was really hard leaving the house after that.

Sunday W took D to horseback riding lessons and I went out with S grocery shopping. This is one area that W took primary responsibility of, so I have some learning to do. W and I had our first 'date' when we went to a late lunch for the opening of my sister's restaurant. I think we had a nice time there. I asked W if she would come over later that night so we could watch a DVD from Netflix that has been sitting around for awhile. She took the kids to her parents for dinner and had them back by eight. I cleaned around the house while they were out. We got them to bed and then watched the movie. After that, she grabbed a few more things and headed to the apartment.

This week is Spring Break for the kids, and I took off M, T to watch them. We went out this morning to get a bed for S, because the one he was using was moved to the apartment. Little League tonight and then back to sister's restaurant.

[cw68]

Hope, your sitch sounds similar to mine. In January my H told me he had to separate. We got an apartment and we share it and the house. Basically whomever has the kids stays in the house. We have the most odd separation ever. We eat dinner together as a family most nights, spend lots of time together as a family, but really don't spend any time together alone. My H is very confused and doesn't know what he wants.

If you're interested, here are my threads:
Solution Journal JenInVen/CW68 #1
Solution Journals JenInVen/CW68 #2

#1 Did I find DB too late?
Too late? #2
Too late? #3
Too late? #4

[minkerman]

Identical to my sitch as well...almost quote for quote. It's a bit scary to read yours, in fact. I understand your frustration and confusion. For instance, here is what I am handling.

My W feels the "need" (not just a want, a desire or a preference) to be on her own. But she doesn't really know why. She loves me deeply. She thinks I'm "hot", and a "real catch". We connect on a visceral level. We can talk for hours. She tells me she is confused, bored, and lonely. We see each other every weekend. We have been together 30 years, and married for 28 of them. We have been through hell and back with family deaths, struggles, extended time away from each other etc, but through all of it we have been there for each other.

Now....she doesn't want to be with me.

Twice in the past 4 months, she has told me she wants to reconcile and move back home...but the next day, has changed her mind.

She feels she needs to discover who she is, and for that she needs to be away from me, away from "us". She thinks that I am probably not in her future, but doesn't discount it entirely. She even thinks it's possible that we might divorce, but somehow end up together again in the future. She needs time and space to discover what she says will become "spectacularly obvious", and feels it can't be rushed with a timeline...and she is certain that I won't wait for her to do this.

She thinks she's confused...baby, walk a mile in my shoes.

HFF, I feel your pain...it hurts, doesn't it?

[cw68]

I just wonder what it is that these people expect from marriage? My H tells me that he loves me, respects me, thinks I'm a wonderful person, that I'm an excellent mother, a good spouse and that we have a great physical attraction to each other. What else can you ask for? IMO, it's something inside of him that's broken and can be fixed. Fixed with me, with our family intact, without the hurt to the rest of us. But maybe I'm off here and he actually can't be happy with me instead of my view of him not letting himself be happy with me.

[minkerman]

It's a mental illness, I swear. I don't know how many times I've felt like calling bullshyte on the whole thing and telling her to grow up. But I bite my tongue and prepare for the next day - alone again. And so does she.

She has a bunch of friends who are all good looking and nice - think any of them can find a decent man? She even tells me this!

My W has a MORE THAN DECENT man right here, ready and willing to love and be loved.

It blows my mind.

[hopeforfuture]

CW and MM,
Agree, they do sound similar, at least with the current situations. It seems like the events that led up to this point were a little different.

MM, in some of your recent threads, I could swear you are quoting my life. Particularly when you W was trying to convince you to date the Starbucks woman. She has suggested several times that I go out and see other women. Part of me says yes, part of me says no way.

This past weekend was pretty good with W, aside from her moving out. We went out Friday night to a couple of places and then had lunch on Saturday and watched a DVD that night. She seems quite sad when I've spoken to her. I think it is mostly because she is missing the kids.

The mental illness thing...
If I agreed with you, I'd get in trouble. W knows of these boards and posts occasionally as Mom of 2 Cherubs. Maybe if I say something really outlandish, I'll get her to post something again.

[cw68]

The events are different, but it seems as if they are all stuck in the same thought pattern. grrr.

MM, last week I told my husband to just "man up!" Not good DBing, I realize, but it really is how I feel. He's got a 5- and 6-year old here that he really should be putting first IMO since he's got no big obstacles in his way. But I'm not in his shoes so I can't really understand.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm just going to throw this out - I have thought in the past that it would be great to have a "marriage sabbatical". Not a "separation", but time apart with the mutual, loving understanding that the core of the marriage is solid and that time apart (6-12 mos) is good for both partners and the marriage itself. For those of you whose WAS still seems to truly love you and miss you/the family, wouldn't it be better if your time apart could be reframed as something healthy and normal?

A friend loaned me a book that I haven't read yet - the title is A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman by Joan Anderson. As a writer, she was able to retreat to Cape Cod and the experience was a time of growth for them as people and healing for their M. A lot of us with 9-5 jobs can't go live on an island for a long time, but if there was a way to take "time out" without guilt or pressure I think it would help a lot of Ms.

[hopeforfuture]

I'm just going to throw this out - I have thought in the past that it would be great to have a "marriage sabbatical". Not a "separation", but time apart with the mutual, loving understanding that the core of the marriage is solid and that time apart (6-12 mos) is good for both partners and the marriage itself. For those of you whose WAS still seems to truly love you and miss you/the family, wouldn't it be better if your time apart could be reframed as something healthy and normal?

Interesting. I like the positive conotation this puts on the idea of separation. This seems like it is what my W wants out of the time apart. She doesn't want to get a D. She wants to use the time to work on our R. The only thing that muddies the waters for me at this point is that she suggested that I see other people. I can almost understand that. She tells me that she wants me to also be sure that she is the one for me, so she wants me to keep my eyes open. Not sure how healthy that would be at this point.

[cw68]

Your W wanting to stay married is a huge plus. It's important to have that as a goal. I don't think dating falls into that, but that's me.

I could definitely deal with my H thinking this is a marriage sabbatical, but he doesn't know if he wants a D or not. Actually, more specifically, he doesn't know if he wants to come back to our marriage or not. But he does want to be married and looks forward to being happily married, it's just that what we have doesn't "do it" for him.

A marriage sabbatical. Nice.