Are you ready to say I cannot live my life like this much longer for you.
This is of course looking ahead towards post-D life and to sustain you as you move forward with the D. I know I beat you with my big stick about your responsibility to your kids - well and I have focused on your kids to "persuaude" you to move forward.
However, your needs and you are just as important. And you have to slowly evolve your mindset towards valuing you. First b/c you are going to have to go for a fair settlement and you will need the right state of mind to be able to do this w/o being bouncy and losing control. You are goig to have to constructively fight for YOU and your kids needs. And second, you will end up in other R's where once again, you devalue your own needs for the needs of others - and co-dependency and lack of boundary setting has a way of making us feel like life is controlling us as opposed to us making our choices in life.
BTW: This is the lawyer in me talking. While there is no legal edge to being the one to present the first draft of a settlement to the other side, I do believe there is a psychological advantage. The other side then feels the "pressure" to confront if they want to change the terms. I would recommend getting all of the financial paperwork required for discovery together and to your attorney so that the first draft is ready. Then I would send the settlement as soon as she files a response to your petition to D. I don't go to war often - but when I do I find it to my advantage to be more prepared than the other side, to move forward and to move quickly.
I'm back...it was a great trip as far as I'm concerned! Did my best to not let H's pissiness at certain times affect my mood and my enjoyment... will try to update on my thread to night...
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thanks for your previous post and I am aware of the impact of the big D on kids, but I also know that the current arrangement is having an impact as well + it is a horrible example of how a M should work and that I cannot live my life like this much longer. (
I so get this...and I feel I'm getting to this point as well. Kind of like I'm not quite sure how I will move forward if H doesn't move out in the next month or so...
I think you are sounding more proactive all the time; and that's a good thing...
And you have to slowly evolve your mindset towards valuing you.
So you've got that part of me figured out. Not sure when, where, or how this happened, but at some point in the past 15 years, I lost all sight of this. I have really made progress in many ways, but still have a ways to go.
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I would recommend getting all of the financial paperwork required for discovery together and to your attorney so that the first draft is ready. Then I would send the settlement as soon as she files a response to your petition to D.
I am indeed getting all of the financial stuff together. My L actually requires this at the onset of taking the case, when I went in the first time, she gave me a 1/2" thick stack of docs. to read and fill out BEFORE she would take me on as a client. So I am making my way through these.
As far as sticking to my guns, this has never been a problem, just in getting them out of the holster!
One more query...we are still living in the same house, W in the guest room (she even cooks dinner for us all 2 or 3 times a week). I really am opposed to moving out, since I think it sends the wrong message concerning my role in the kids lives. HOWEVER, this will obviously be more than a bit stressful once the D process starts. Any ideas on the best course of action?
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
My L actually requires this at the onset of taking the case, when I went in the first time, she gave me a 1/2" thick stack of docs. to read and fill out BEFORE she would take me on as a client. So I am making my way through these.
I like your L. She sounds like she is not desperate for work. So many L's bill away and charge you for the time it takes you to decide what to do.
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As far as sticking to my guns, this has never been a problem, just in getting them out of the holster!
That is the mindset part. Good for you. You have that part down.
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Any ideas on the best course of action?
You are going to have to plan on how you and/or W are going to tell the kids. They need to be in the loop and secure regardless of whether you stay or go. And I cannot help you there since I didn't have kids with The X. I imagine it is best if you both sit down and tell them together and make it clear that neither one of you is D'ing them... That the D is between you and W maybe... I think the other posters are better equipped to help you.
I would find a two bedroom apartment and be prepared to move. I think this one depends on W's reaction. Once again, I don't know the answer - your L will be able to tell you more from a legal advantage perspective about whether living in the same house buys you any advantage. And of course, you will need endurance to get through this. It may be W's behavior is such that you cannot live in the same house for the period of time it will take to get through the D.
This may have to be a be prepared but wait and see type of decision.
As a lawyer, I cannot emphasize how important it is keep things constructive and to use your L as a mouthpiece if you cannot speak to constructively to W directly. My biggest challenge with clients with an opposing side is muzzling my own client. You do NOT want to go to trial. The goal is a legally fair (as opposed to morally fair) settlement. Keep that in mind - as far as how much you are willing to give if it comes to a point where you are facing a trial. You sound like you have a good L - she will tell you similar things.
Good luck. Make sure you take care of yourself. And stay strong.
Thanks for asking AG, I was on vacation last week and too busy too post before that. Had an awesome time on vacation with the kids, did some backpacking (their first time) and went to a family reunion. It did feel a bit bittersweet since I know that the kids will soon be dealing with the effects of the big D and will be losing a bit of their innocence.
W spent the time in TX and won't be back til mon. (yeah!)
One of the things keeping me busy is filling out the financial info and getting copies of all the background docs for the L meeting this week . Not sure why this is so critical right now, but I am sure that it will help in the long run.
I've also been thinking a lot about what to propose in the initial filing. Thinking more and more about putting in it that I get primary custody for both kids with significant time with her, I keep the house, and give her a lump sum settlement(1/2 of marital assets) and no alimony. I am not sure if this is a wise strategy or not. She won't like it and surely won't agree to it, but I like the idea of just asking for what I want and then letting her have to fight to get anything else. On the other hand, it could accelerate the decent into ugliness.
Any thoughts?
Busy day tomorrow with Euro 2008 final and also a triathlon that I am going to volunteer at. Should be a fun last day of vacation!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
THanks for checking in on me... wise words as always...and I'm going to try to update tomorrow.
You've been busy!! We're looking forward to the Euro final tomorrow (it was really exciting to be able to watch some of the early games while we were on our trip...including a Dutch game in Amsterdam!)
I am not sure if this is a wise strategy or not. She won't like it and surely won't agree to it, but I like the idea of just asking for what I want and then letting her have to fight to get anything else. On the other hand, it could accelerate the decent into ugliness.
Any thoughts?
I am a big proponent of fair settlements.
(i) It is quicker b/c there is less back and forth.
(ii) You have more leverage in being able to back everything you ask fr if you go to trial.
(iii) Unfair settlements are often revisited over and over again - so the mess is sometimes drawn out long after your D is final.
(iv) The only one that makes money from the ugly fights during a D are the attorneys.
That being said - run your proposed points by your L and ask her opinion regarding whether they are fair and the likelihood of having them granted.
As I now enter my fifth year of attorney dealings and fourth to fix a botched settlement, I have several questions.
1) Why would your W give you primary custody when she would lose child support payments?
2) Why would she accept no alimony when she has no job?
3) Why would you get to keep the house and split everything else?
4) Why would she agree with any of this?
5) What arguments could W make that you have quit on the marriage and are trying to abandon her with nothing?
6) Has W been an attentive and caring mom to your boys or has she shirked her responsibilities to the kids?
7) Are you willing to engage in a custody fight where the court appoints someone to represent your kids and they are brought into the middle of a custody battle?
At the end of the day, if this goes to court, you end up in a he-says she-says situation that is no fun for any party--and extremely costly!!!!!
It's okay to present your thoughts to your L, but what I would ask your L is as follows: If L were representing W, what would L seek to get for W? If L were the judge, what would be a likely outcome? Be tough on your lawyer...ask the hard questions and be satisfied with the L's answers, even if L can't give a clear yes or no (the law is often never that simple). If there's anything you don't like about L's candor and demeanor and L makes you uncomfortable in any way, I'd consider another L.
I'm still an advocate of patience, but much of that is religious-based, so I recognize you are different.
