"Once a Cheater Always a Cheater???"

[LivingWell]

Loco,
LOL Robin William's statement had me really laughing! So true...

[luckyman]

I'm going to ask a ?
This is in general.I repeat IN GENERAL.
You always hear men say,that the wife doesn't give it up as much as she used to.
Remember the joke about newlywed sex?
Why in the begging of a relationship(so to say)Are most women ready willing and able to go to bed with a man?Then as time goes on,I guess you get used to us,and the sex gets to be less and less.It's not new.It's not exciting.It doesn't have that sence of danger.
Sue,I remember you saying you had to have sex with your H alot.What was it 3 times a day,some days.

I got married when I was 20.I didn't cheat on my wife.Until 20 months after she left.One month for each year of marriage.
In the beggining she would make the 1st move.That lasted about a year.Then I had to make the move.

I happen to think that these days,people dont give a sh#t.I mean the media has every body cheating.There are dating sites that offer wives.
Adult friend finder.com ,,,Ashley Madison.com. "MY H goes out of town on buiz,I'm looking for some fun"Things like that.They show off alot in their profiles.
There was a dicussion on the radio this morn about a company that will have playboy model type girls aproach your So to see if he'll take the bait.

People change when they're ready.I quit smoking pot when I was a senior in HS.I ran out of pot,and money.I step out the door to walk to school.It was nice out.I said I feel really good.I haven't smoked since.I quit drinking when I was 27.I went 13 years with out a drink.I stopped drinking again 2 years ago.I may have a beer or 2 in a social situation.

Sue,think positivly.
Don't go asking for trouble.Taking care of yourself and the kiddies is more important.

Think good thoughts
Hug your kids
peace

[Velvet]

______________________________________________
"You always hear men say,that the wife doesn't give it up as much as she used to.
Remember the joke about newlywed sex?
Why in the begging of a relationship(so to say)Are most women ready willing and able to go to bed with a man?Then as time goes on,I guess you get used to us,and the sex gets to be less and less.It's not new.It's not exciting.It doesn't have that sence of danger."
__________________________________________________

Well, if you're really looking for an answer to that question, I think the reply from a lot of women would be that it's not that it's not new or exciting or doesn't have a sense of danger; it's that in many cases the H, who was at his best in the beginning of the relationship, is now more often than not belching whenever he feels like it, farting out loud, not shaving as often, or even taking a shower as often, needs a haircut, wears the same ratty 'favorite' T shirt all the time...... You get the picture.

Once my H actually walked into the room, dramatically lifted his leg and farted loudly, then laughed and said "Wow! That was a real crowd-pleaser!" I told him that may go over real big at work (and it apparently does; a bunch of electric co. Linemen) but not here. It may be funny once...
________________________________________________

"People change when they're ready.I quit smoking pot when I was a senior in HS.I ran out of pot,and money.I step out the door to walk to school.It was nice out.I said I feel really good.I haven't smoked since.I quit drinking when I was 27.I went 13 years with out a drink.I stopped drinking again 2 years ago.I may have a beer or 2 in a social situation."
__________________________________________________

About the pot-
I really think (IMHO) pot is a transitional drug - either you go on to other drugs or you stop altogether. It can be very psychologically addicting though.

Alcohol addiction is very real. If you are an alcoholic (not you personally) you will not ever be able to stop completely without help - a LOT of help. You also will NEVER be able to drink occasionally. Sooner or later the symptoms will all be back in full force, as it is a progressive disease. If you can stop easily and start again, without it escalating or affecting you or others adversely you don't have a problem with alcohol and did not overcome an addiction, so it shouldn't be hard to do; more like a decision you just want to drink less.

Velvet

Alcoholic with 19 yrs. Recovery

[Mick]

I agree with Velvet in the respect that cheating is a conscious CHOICE. To imply the a philandering husband is simply the victim of a wayward penis amazes me.

Dont recall anyone saying that actually...

Royce(MICK)

[ April 17, 2002, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Mick ]

[luckyman]

Velvet,What I was trying to say is.No matter how much help is offered to you,if you don't want to quit,you wont.

Womenscentral.com had a little artical on, should you stay with a cheater? I didn't read it.

Think good thoughts
Hug your kids
peace

LM,
What was the joke about newlywed sex? Is it clean enough to tell or would I be sorry that I asked?

rayanne

[luckyman]

Rayanne,you of all people should know better then to ask.
Of course it's clean.
Actually it's called the stages of marriage.Here's a short version.

1st stage is newly wed sex.That's where your doing it anywhere,everywhere and very often,kitchen,living room,on the washing mechine.
2nd stage is bed room sex.That's where you keep it in the bed and is less often.
as the years go by you enter into the
3rd stage.Hallway sex.That's where as you pass each other in the hallway,you say F you.

Velvet,have you had a drink at all?Or do you pick up a glass of water,when toasting the bride and groom?I have a friend that wont touch a drop.She's scared that she'll get right back to hwere she was.

Think good thoughts
Hug your kids
peace

[Sue]

Oh my goodness peeps, there were some smokin keyboards yesterday

GG,
I think you are right. Reality just dosnt hit them COMPLETELY until they lose it all. They can get shaken up a little but that passes. I think my calm reaction in the past contributed to leaving him in a state of not fully realizing the impact of his mistakes. Where as when I flipped and said thats it, hope you are happy and hope it was worth losing EVERYTHING for. It really seemed to wake him up. I think that drunken fog didnt help. He really does seem now like the person I fell in love with only much much more. perhaps mature being he isnt 18 any more

Mick,
"The opportunity arise's and then there really is little turning back especailly with men...an erection has very little conscience.."

My counselor told me an erection only means the equipment is in proper working order, dosnt mean you have to use it

I never cheated... I dont think thats due to the fact I dont have a penis and dont need an erection personally. However I do believe there are people that do cheat just because they can. Its a choice they make.

Velvet,
yep! couldnt agree more. Makes you really wonder why on earth they get married. Do they listen to the vows? if thats not what they wanted they need to find a fellow swinger.
Congrats on your 19 years in recovery!!! thats amazing! although I cant say I fully understand, never been in those shoes, but I have watched my H and seen the struggle up close. also learned more then I ever wanted to learn about addiction at Betty Ford.

"I would say (sadly) "once a cheater, more likely than not, always a cheater." Not that I want to believe this, just that I don't see much evidence to the contrary around me. I'm absolutely sure there are those who grow enough emotionally to change that pattern, and I applaud them. I just don't think they're in the majority."

I think once a person crosses a line its that much easier to cross again. thats partly why I started wondering about my topic question.

Mary, I KNOW you and Cathy and everyone else who said that are right. I kept telling myself that. Sometimes I get feeling like a fool. Like am I just fooling myself or is he just better at fooling me now? I know its fear and that as been my weakness before. I try to ask myself what am I really feeling. I listend to her tell him how to keep things going with out me finding out. She told him dont call me from home and if you do just push a bunch of 3s or something so she cant hit redial and find out it was me. Lets just save this for work and other places... these things will play in my head and I have to make a big effort to stop them. Not always. just when something that seems suspicious happens these things rush back to my mind. Like when he is late home from work and says oh I had a late relief... The other day he got home really late from a drs appt which is right by her house. it turned out he was actually surprising me with something nice. I still havent gone on a ride with him just around here because I keep hearing her going on and on about how she loves every thing about the back seat of his bike (in an orgasmic tone). She bragged on and on about how she is the queen of that seat etc. they both went on about how she has racked up the most miles. They talked about our upcomming son and how when they go on rides the first thing he is going to teach his boy is you dont ask any questions and you dont tell your mom or something like that... it made me sick! especially because when he bought that bike he tried to sell it to me by saying he thought of it as a way we could get closer. go on rides the way we used to on the ninja. it will be our ... so any how I try to think good thoughts. I try to remember my al-anon stuff about putting the toxic thoughts out of your mind like pulling a thorn from your hand. most of the time it works and I do feel on cloud 9 especially with my little boo boo bear. every once in a while I wonder if I am being fooled again because we were getting along really well when I discoverd them. This time it hurt me as apposed to before when I just could care less. I dont know I guess its the fact that he admits to nothing! that he still adamantly insists there was nothing going on! If he cant be honest about it then how do I really know its over? I just hold onto he appears to be living life right and he seems happier then I have ever seen him in our 16 years together.

I really believe things are good and I dont want to mess it up by being suspicious and thinking ill thoughts. Its so darn hard to get on the same page at the same time. In the past it seemed like when one of us was trying the other was sick of trying. now it feels like we are trying but it dosnt really feel like we have to try, like its just great. I think part of me feels like OH NO things are great whats wrong? LOL almost like if it seems to good to be true it probably is.

Loco Ono,
LOL! imagine all the brain damage they suffer due to gravity!

Sal,

my gosh what a good memory. no loss of blood to your brain.
actually when we cut down to 3x a day it was a good compromise. It used to be like 6x a day. My counselor felt my H was using it in place of alcohol. He dosnt do that anymore. Which also made me wonder what was going on with him. Mr sex addict hasnt been a sex addict anymore. He just really seems to be at peace. He does smoke a lot more though I guess he has to have one crutch.

ok heres my take on your question. comming from someone who only has one notch on the belt LOL. but hey I have done a lot of listening over the years

Men are more romantic in the begining. They take their time. Later it becomes this ok baby I am sprung come take care of me. It becomes a chore! Like Ok, I have to do the dishes, clean the floor, do the laundry, clean the bathroom, do my h, clean up the dog mess, cook dinner, do my h, bathe the kids, straighten the house, pack lunches, do my h, get one hour of sleep start my day over, wake up to do my H, make breakfast....

In the begining we didnt have all these chores of everyone wanting something from you. After a while its like you are just someone that everyone wants something from and sex isnt for you anymore its for your hormonally challenged H who really dosnt care if you are sick or how tired you are because hey he is sprung and therefore the center of the universe.

When you feel good, beautiful, sexy, wanted for your whole package, you feel more in the mood. When you are feeling those "in love" feelings. When women (IN GENERAL) feel "in love" they want to be close. sex isnt just sex then. Oh sure on occaision there is the hormones. But for the most part its alot more about emotions. to me any how.

Oh my gosh, is anyone still reading this or awake? LOL
see what one cup of coffee can do to me hee hee.

thinking postive
having good thoughts
hugging my boo boo bear and snuggle bugs
Sue

[Sue]

Sal,

an alcoholic cant drink "socially" they will end up where they left off and worse. There is no one drink with them. If they fall down they have to get back up and just keep going forward. The residual affect of having a drink is much worse then what they could possibly get out of a drink.

I have heard of people saying they have dealt with the inner problem that was what they were self medicating for and now drink socially. But I dont know how that could really work with a true alcoholic. I supose there are differing views. According to Dr West the alcoholics brain is diferent and functions diferently. its pretty complex. sometimes I wish I could go back hear some of those lectures again. they tought us so much each day of family week it was impossible to absorb it all.
There is diferent levels of alcoholism. My H was physically addicted went into seizures if he didnt drink. had to drink a large amount by a certain time daily or would start going through withdrawals.
no matter how much time goes by with him sober, if he takes a drink he has to deal with very strong cravings both mentally and physically. Its just not worth starting the battle over at watching the clock minute by minute, hour by hour.

Sue

[Atossup]

Sue,
I can tell you something about cheating that I went through when I was single but still "with" someone who I thought I would marry someday.
I know for fact if I had married this poor woman that I would have cheated on her all the time. The presidant had already been set.
I feel that if a woman finds her guy cheated before marriage and marry's him anyway, she is doomed.

Now when I decided to get married the whole thing changed. I made a promise to myself that I would never cheat and when I took my vows, they were the clincher. In my 10 yrs with ex I never cheated. Never wanted to.

With my LF, even though we broke up really 7 months ago, neither one of us has been with someone else. Reason for me was that I still thought we had a shot and I did not want to cover my ass with some explanation as to why if we got back together that I could not "control" myself.

Again, I think and have seen where infidelity during the marriage can pop up again if the cheating partner feels that rush again of getting away with it.
I hate to say that but having been there it was a rush. Blowing the girl off for my girlfriend was also a rush. There was no fear of commitment because I had my GF.

Now then come the psycho's. Everything is hunky dory until you break it off. Had that happen too and thats also a scary factor.
I know you have heard his conversations but did you ever tell him?

I'm sure they hurt you a great deal or you would not be talking about it.
Cathy and the others are right in some regards.
I also think that he should be more responsible to you in reagrds of honesty and stop pulling this control crap out of his pocket when he feels your snooping.
Just because he has not admitted his indescretion does not mean you are stupid and IMHO that should be known.

Take it for what its worth from a former cheater.
Rondo