"Once a Cheater Always a Cheater???"

[Sue]

Oh my gosh Ron!!!!

He would flip if I even tried to say he couldnt go! he has been planning this for months. he even got new pipes!
they do it every year. Its the only big Harley run he goes on. He would probably laugh at me if I said no.
ONE time I told him no to something he wanted to do. He wanted to go watch a football game. now he had been going to the games and watching them at friends houses etc every weekend. ONE time I said you know I have a final tomorrow I really need you here to take care of the kids so I can study. He pouted the whole time. pissed and moaned well into the evening. I heard about it for so long LOL. yeah I am controlling! of course I know all the football fans are probably all aghast at the nerve of me. I just decided that I wasnt going to say "go ahead go" when what I really really needed was for him to stay. Its not like the Chargers werent losing all the games at the time any how

what do they do for four days? well before they would drink, look at bikes, drink, eat, drink, buy stuf, drink.... for four days. AND he already paid the 300 for the room. His mom says he calls her everytime and talks about how miserable he is because I am not there and how much he misses me.

I was thinking I would take the kids out of town for the weekend. I even told him I was going to drop in on him at some point maybe. But honestly I dont think I will. dont want to look like I am checking up on him, like I would be . I know he makes me out to be this controlling w who dosnt let him do anything. Because when he dosnt feel like doing things with his friends he just says that I wont let him. According to him they are always giving him a hard time for me not letting him out to go on all the rides they go on. He says he tells them he has a family etc. But they dont seem to get it. They do tend to neglect their own kids and go on all these trips and take their w's too. I wonder if he really wants to go on these trips and runs it past me the way he does to see what I think. I usually agree with him and say well you have a responsiblity and a big family that you choose not to neglect the way they do all the time. maybe thats how he feels I am controlling!?!?

Ron I would love to go to Fl and see everyone. I couldnt leave my kids for 4 days.
my H would have a heart attack!!! He always thought somone here at the board was going to steal me away LOL
he dosnt know I come and post once in a while either. you know what... he wouldnt let me!

I wondered often how much this great feeling around here is ONLY because of the new baby.

He does help out around the house alot now. He makes dinner every other night and has completely taken over making sure the kids are bathed every night. He seems happy and at peace.

I also think about the self fulfilling prophecy...

[Cathy47]

I'm glad you mentioned the self fulfilling prophecy...kept me from having to bring it up. It was what crossed my mind a couple of times while ready your posts.

You, of all people know we have choices, especially when it comes to our feelings and fears. I say this...if you are happy with your life, you like the family dynamics, taking care of the kids and loving the Harley riding little fella then choose to be happy with it. Make the choice to trust him Sue, don't choose to muck up your life by doubting him. Heck, if he misbehaves again you will get the chance then to worry and fret about it. Until you have hard cold evidence that there is trouble don't go borrowing trouble.

My Dad had a tendency to cheat or do out of character things when drunk. As a sober man though he wouldn't tolerate it of himself. I'm betting your husband is the same way. Relax and instead of worrying about what he is doing for 4 days start thinking about what you are going to do to him after he has been gone for 4 days. I can give you some ideas!!! I think I could anyway, it's been so darn long I'd have to dig way down deep to retrieve those memories. Have fun, enjoy your family and worry when you come face to face with something to worry about.
Cathy

[Sue]

THANKS Cathy!

going back to choosing to trust.

my little head just gets to spinning... knowing he works with the nasty ho.

The fact he isnt drinking any more is what I hold on to.

thanks for cracking me up and making me smile

Sue

[Cathy47]

Any time Sue. It's easy to get side tracked by ugly thoughts. I do it quite often myself. To me, your life sounds near perfect. What more could a woman ask for than near perfect? Enjoy it woman!!! God bless you, your children and that man you married.
Cathy

[GG]

Sue,
I don't know. I think MGoBlue would argue your title statement. I think some people can change. I think they have to want to badly enough. It seems like this happens once you realize what you had---when it is gone. In my h's case, he's not willing to give anything up. Like a kid in the candy store, he wants it all---at not or minimal cost to him, and as painlessly as possible.

GG

[Mick]

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons...not the least being because THEY CAN.
The opportunity arise's and then there really is little turning back especailly with men...an erection has very little conscience..

Royce(MICK)

[GG]

Sorry Mick, I don't buy that one. I would venture to guess that most men have erections, but they don't all have affairs. It's a character flaw, not just hormones. And my h was seeking out ow when he didn't have the erections.

GG

[Velvet]

Since I am being cheated on right now I'm probably in a very biased mode but dammit, if people know they like to cheat and are going to do it, (and cause immense pain to loved ones and turn their lives upside down) then:

A. DON'T EVER GET MARRIED

B. DON'T EVER HAVE CHILDREN

C. GET TESTED (and tested, and tested)

IMHO, if that's what people want to do (cheat) then they should do society a favor and forego the pleasures of the more emotionally mature: marriage and procreation.

Men have brains as well as errections; it's a CHOICE. By saying it's not a choice, it "just happened" etc. we insult all people, male and female, who may be tempted at times but DO make the conscious decision not to cheat.

I would say (sadly) "once a cheater, more likely than not, always a cheater." Not that I want to believe this, just that I don't see much evidence to the contrary around me. I'm absolutely sure there are those who grow enough emotionally to change that pattern, and I applaud them. I just don't think they're in the majority.

[LivingWell]

Amen Velvet! My ex never changed his colors in 23 years despite ascertions to the contrary, and he was a serial adulterer, but that was him. I recognize that under the right circumstances there could be exceptions.

Having said that, I want to say to Sue that I also agree with Cathy about your case. You can't be asking yourself this question about your ex if you also want to trust him and have the kind of marriage that you want. For right now, until proven otherwise, he is committed to you. You can't live questioning and wondering all the time. It would be counterproductive to the type of relationship you are trying to build and you would have a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, focus on your marriage, on him, on you. Don't go looking for problems that aren't there. Enjoy your husband that came back to you, enjoy your children and the family that you have together. Keep building something solid and have faith that no matter what happens, things always work out in the end for the best.
MC

[Dulcie]

I could not resist this topic as the former spouse of a cheater...

The comedian Robin Williams once said,"God gave man a brain and a penis and not enough blood to use both of them at the same time."

I agree with Velvet in the respect that cheating is a conscious CHOICE. To imply the a philandering husband is simply the victim of a wayward penis amazes me. What happened to the ability to reason? Without it, we are no different than the animals that act strictly on instinct. Cheaters, whether male or female are always quick to justify their behavior...but they seldom, if ever, take responsiblity for the behavior and often blame the left behind spouse for their behavior. Often the reason of "unmet needs" is given as a reason for the affair. We ALL have unmet needs at times but not everyone looks outside the marriage to fulfill them. It is impossible for one human being to entirely meet the needs of another 100% of the time. It cannot be done... it is merely a justification.

It's time that the cheaters came up with something new and original for an excuse...but they never do...