I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

BFM,

I've been reading your posts for the better part of the past couple of days, and I've made it to FW's birthday. First off all, I have to tell you that I think you're crazy - but crazy in a wonderful, strong, loving sense that 99% of people could never understand. What you went through was pretty much indescribable and I doubt there are many people here or out there who could do what you were able to do. I may just be able to do it, but I'm not sure. I do see that right now I am "living my life as though he is never coming back" (your words), and doing so has made such a huge difference in my state of mind.

...they feel like it is more honorable to divorce the innocent spouse so they can go on and find someone "worthy" of them...

This may be so, b/c of the guilt they feel, b/c of the depression, but I also believe that the MLCer (or at least my MLCer) is overwhelmed and terrified by the thought of what it would take to be able to come home and rebuild the M. I'm torn b/w trying to help him see that we can do this together, and just letting him continue to work out in his own mind if he can do it. I know he doubts himself, his strength - and what's more is he is projecting those feelings onto me, so it comes out as "You, FA, you can't do this. I have hurt you too much, done too much damage. You need to find someone you can love & trust w/out being afraid of being hurt again." This is the signal to me that he is still not ready, that he is afraid, that he doesn't believe in himself, that he is still in the tunnel.

He asked me to come to his place tonite, and I said yes. I don't know what to expect, except that he wants to ML to me, so I will expect only that. I too have been able to do that pretty much all along. It has been something that has kept our connection w/ each other and may have been the one thing all along that made H realize that we share an unbreakable bond. I will continue to watch and listen and encourage, as you suggest. I have stopped trying to control him - and that in itself scares him b/c he doesn't understand that kind of behavior from me. He doesn't understand how I am, he still believes that I cry myself to sleep at night, that I anguish over what he does when he is not w/ me, that I obsess over his every move. But I think he is just now starting to realize that he has been wrong about those things. He is confused by my sense of peace and calm, by the fact that I no longer pour out my feelings to him, or ask anything from him. I think he is beginning to realize that I will survive without him.

Your words give me strength, both those from last fall/winter, and those from today. Thank you and I wish you the best.

FA

[fooled again]

FA,

Just checking on you. Seems you're in the same place I'm at, detached and holding. I think H 's dam bursting is a good thing. He has looked at what he has done and the damage he has caused. Reread The six Stages of a Mid Life Crises by hearts blessing, sounds like H might be moving into acceptance. Accept and validate his actions and words. Reassure him he is ok.

Mike

Mike,

Yes I am detached and holding, or more accurately detached and moving along with my own life. I took your advice and started rereading the Six Stages, but then I realized that I'm so tempted to focus on the timeline, and that isn't helping me, so I put it down. I don't know if he's in acceptance yet, but reassuring him that he is ok would be to try to control him, to try to convince him that he is at a place that he may not be yet, wouldn't it? I don't really believe he is ok, nor does he, at least not right now. I will, however, reassure him that I love him and that will never change. And if he asks or talks about it, I will tell him that the door is not closed, but he needs to know that he is ready to do the work before he walks through it. And that means knowing what he wants.

I think H's dam bursting is only the beginning of him seeing some light, but I also think he's a long way from coming out (I could be wrong). There is still a great deal of anger in what he is saying, accusations and defensiveness mixed in with doubt and regret. It's quite a stew of emotions, but it still has quite a bitter taste. I think it needs to simmer longer as the meat is still too tough. (Ugh, sometime my metaphors are ridiculous!)

Thanks for checking in on me. It's like having a big brother (I only have a younger brother who I pretty much don't know).

FA

[micoms]

FA,

I don't know what time frame it takes MLC'er to go through the stages, but seems H is having his mind opened to what he has done. He will have to work through this in his time frame, be patient and supportive.

Thanks for thinking of me as an older brother you never had. I hope one day we will both "break through to the other side" and see although there was a lot of pain and turmoil the prize on the other side was well worth it.

I've always been the older brother, I was hoping I could be the younger brother for once. LOL. Keep the faith.

Mike

[fooled again]

Hey Mike,

You a Doors fan? I always loved that line... I also love "People are Strange".

You're way too grounded to be anything but an older brother. It's how you know that what you're doing is the right thing to do.

Take care,
FA

[micoms]

FA,

I think the Doors words were "break on through to the other side", I wasn't thinking of that until after I typed it out. I did kind of get into the Doors again. A couple of years ago S26 bought their collection and I copied onto my laptop. Just once i want to hear my W say "Come on baby light my fire", Oh boy.

I'm glad you think I know what I'm doing is the right thing because I question and over evaluate every thing. I've been trying to get away from it but the latest with W has me going again.

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

Well, I sure know what you mean about over analyzing. With my H "talking" to me last week and then the "not cleaning" we did last night, today I was in bit of a spin, kept thinking about all kinds of things I wanted to say to him for most of the morning. Finally I did call and initiated a R talk... I know, I know, shouldn't do that. But BFM said that I should follow my instinct, so I did. Now I don't know if it was a mistake, but H has said that he wanted me to talk to him, he felt that I've been holding back. I think if he can come right out and tell me what he needs, it would be foolish to do the opposite. That would not be DBing.

I was not desperate or pleading and did my best not to sound like I was trying to tell him what to do. I told him that I was at a place where I was either going to give him 100% or move on with my life, but I didn't feel I could give him 100% if he could not do the same. I asked if he thought he was ready to do that, and he said that's what he's been trying to tell me, that he feels that he's constantly trying to prove himself to me and he's not getting anywhere. He said I don't say ILY unless he says it first. I asked if it wasn't that he's just afraid to lose me, and he said it's that too, but he wants to talk to me and wants me to talk to him.

I told him that I was not interested in playing games any more. I told him that I forgive him and he thanked me for saying that and said that he did know if I was able to do that. I told him that I am much stronger than he thinks I am, that I know that I don't need him to be happy, but that having him in my life adds to my happiness. I told him that I don't want to build a future with him because I am dependent on him, because he is the center of my universe, because I choose to do so with him. I told him that I do not think he is a terrible person because of what he did to me and that I think I understand more about what is going on than he realizes, that there is much more to this than simply an A. He said he agreed.

It was a pretty big R talk, and I know that these are not recommended, and perhaps I jumped the gun a bit, given the way I felt that things were going lately. But I guess that's why it's best not to try to figure out what is going on in their heads and instead look at what they are actually doing. I took his talks last week as an indication that now is a good time to respond to him. Quite possibly my detachment was the catalyst to him opening up, since my detachment was sincere and real this time, and I do believe that he felt it.

The essential thing now is for me to keep my expectations at a minimum, while still showing him that I am there for him and that I do want him in my life, and balance that with continuing to live my own life and continue to GAL. It's going to be like juggling, and I've never been very good at that. One week of talking does not a reconciliation make, and I have to remember that piecing is very difficult, possibly the most difficult part of DBing, since we open ourselves up to being hurt or disappointed all over again. I know we both feel very vulnerable and I told him that this was going to be hard, but I said that I think that we can have alot of fun too, but let's start figuring this out.

This week will be a long one, I think, and though I am feeling a bit optimistic, I am also feeling much more grounded that I have in the past. If he pulls back, I'll be ready for it, in fact I expect it.

Mike, speaking of fires, you could possibly think of your sitch as being that you are now setting it up, chopping up the wood into kindling, rolling up the balls of newspaper, laying the kindling over them in a teepee shape, laying out the foundation of the fire. Maybe the fire you are able to build will be small, a close friendship, but it will still warm you both. As time goes on, you will each put another small piece of wood on that fire, keep that small fire going with the little things you do to preserve the friendship. Or maybe as time goes on and you build a good bed of coals, you both may be able to build up that fire, put bigger pieces of wood on it until it becomes much, much larger. But what you are doing is essential to making that fire one that will keep burning. I was never very good at building fires b/c I was too impatient, but last summer I took D camping, just her and I, and I realized all the work that it takes to build a proper fire, figured out that it can't be rushed, not if you want it to last.

That's it, my wisdom for today. And I'm taking my own advice and not throwing any big logs on the fire just yet.

Take care,
FA

[micoms]

FA,

I think there comes a time for a R talk and I think you are there. I think it was good, H told you some things he needs from you, it seems from his point if view that he's trying and not seeing any change from you. Be the first one to say ILY a few times, see what response you get from H. Don't always be the first one to say it though.

I like your fire analogy, my sons were in Boy Scouts and I was Scoutmaster for a while. We had some good campfire lighting ceremonies. One we had a model rocket engine fastened to an arrow, guided by a wire to the fire. Inside the pile of wood was a styrofoam cup filled with black powder and a flare. Inside the cup was an igniter, when the arrow "flew" into the wood, we set off the igniter, lighting the black powder and flare and set the wood on fire. The wood did have some magic juice on it.

These days I'm letting my W lead on where we go from here. No talk from me about getting back together. We have spent quite a bit of time together getting the house ready to put on the market. I have caught her staring at me when we are sitting in the living room together. I haven't said anything or let her know I have noticed. My atty said at court that this is the friendliest D he has ever been involved in, then he looked at my W and said are you sure the two of you can't work it out?

I think one thing she needs to experience is the loneliness, right now she is living with D24, D's boyfriend , our grandson and D19 is down there more than she's with me. Alot going on all the time. Someone around to talk to all the time.

Mike

[fooled again]

Journaling,

I found this wonderful quote today that I had to share with everyone - perhaps I'll also put it into a new thread. Anyway, it struck me that this was all too fitting for what we are all going through.

Beauty Tips
by Audrey Hepburn

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody.

Remember: if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

FA

[micoms]

FA,

Haven't heard from you in a while, hope it's because things are good. Not much movement on my sich. W had surgery to remove skin cancer, not the bad kind melanoma. Stopped by D24's house to visit her, she looks like she got into a fight and lost by a lot! Her nose is all bandaged up, cotton shoved up one nostril, And her left eye is swollen and red, I'm sure it will turn black and blue in a day or two. I was leaving and my grandson cried he wanted to go with me and he needed me, LOL. I wonder if that has any effect on her, that he wants to be with me.

I hope things are going well for you.

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

Thanks for checking in. Things have been, I guess you could say, confusing. I'm really torn b/w two places in my head and heart and I'm trying to figure out if what my H is saying is sincere. Last weekend we talked alot about us and it was very, very difficult b/c when you take those first steps toward trying to reconcile, it's exactly like they say, all those awful feelings come rushing back at you.

He says he wants to be here and that things will work out. I want so much to believe he's sincere and right, but.... It will take lots of time for this if it's doable, lots of work, lots of talking, lots of going over some pretty painful stuff, painful for both of us. This is really, really hard. Detaching is a good thing - it distances you from the hurt - and it's also much easier than piecing. Reconnecting and piecing force you to open yourself up to the hurt, to face all those feelings you have detached from - they never do go away, not until you finish dealing with them.

So, that's what I've been up to. You could say that it's a good thing being here, but there is so much in my head that I find it hard to write it down. I pop in every now and again to check on you and see how things are going. I hope your W's recovery goes smoothly. She really needs your support, especially feeling that she has lost her beautiful face. Your friendship at a time like this likely means more to her than anything.

I wish you well.
FA